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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Masters - Stupid Golf Slang:

The Masters - Stupid Golf Slang:

I love golf.  I love to play; I love to watch it on TV.  What I don’t love is the stupid golf slang that announcers feel they are required to constantly use.

The MASTERS CHAMPIONSHIP starts tomorrow.  This is my favorite tournament.  Lots of people watch this event.  People who do not understand golf watch it simply because the venue is incredibly beautiful.  Perhaps this year TV announcers will recognize this fact and explain the game in terms that average people can understand.  Stop the cutesy crap!


Golfers putt with a putter.  Stop calling it THE FLAT STICK.

The area that golfers want to land their drives is called the fairway.  Stop calling it THE SHORT GRASS.

Sand is in a sand trap, it is not the BEACH.  The grass in the rough is tall, but the rough is not called the tall grass.  It is called the ROUGH.  To play golf in Europe you cross the Atlantic Ocean.  It is not a THE POND.

Golfers start a hole hitting a driver, not THE BIG CLUB.  Errant shots land in the water hazard, not THE DRINK.

The announcer most guilty of abusing golf slang is Johnny Miller.  I play the game and I don’t know what the hell he is talking about most of the time.

I know what a chip is.  I know what a pitch and roll is.  Tell me Johnny, what the hell is a “Chunk and Run?”

“He just needs to feather it here.”  Feather it?  Tell me Johnny, what is feathering it?

“This is a spot where I like to just slow swing it.”  Huh?  What?

“These green are Augusta fast.” OK. I understand that one but then Mr. Miller follows with, “They are 13’s maybe 14’s.”  WHAT?  EXPLAIN Johnny EXPLAIN!

Here is a Johnny Miller statement that makes no sense at all.

“Tiger needs a win.  You don’t want to go from no wins to winning a Major, he needs a win” What the frick does that mean.  It almost makes sense until I start to think about it and then….no…It is just a stupid thing to say.

These are more Johnny Miller golf vomitisms I heard this past week:

“That was a little chunky.” (He didn’t hit the ball clean; he hit the ground a bit before he hit the ball.) 

“He got a draw with a fade wind; that is juicy there.” (He tried to curve the ball left into a cross wind.  Juicy?... I got nothing.)

“The wind is against him…well it’s a little greasy, but not that bad.” (I have no idea.)

“He is going to want to cozy-it down with an option to go clunk.”(He wants to make sure this putt does not go past the hole but wants to give it a chance to go in.  I know that is stupid but I think that is what he meant.) 

I know you understand the game like no one else Johnny, but could you please explain it in English?

Maybe I will have to cozy the volume down with an option to go click.


  1. One more reason why I hate this "sport". Is golf an actual husband loves it I find it extremely..yawn...boring

  2. In any given sport and even worse still- at work, some asshole always has to use words or phrases to sound much smarter, slick or something, than they really are.

    Epic Fail!

    They usually end up sounding like complete & utter morons instead. It would be nice if we could just kick them a good one each time they open their mouth. It would at least make me feel better.

  3. Golf - a good way to ruin a nice walk!

    My friends took up playing golf. I lost them forever!

    Out for a stroll one day and I saw these guys out in a paddock, beating the bush with sticks. I asked them what they were doing? "Golfing" they said. Reminded me of flushing rabbits out of a thicket. Later on I met up with them again as i returned on my walk. "How did the golfing go?" I a enquired. "Great!" one said, "We won and got a trophy!" and he showed me two white balls. "All that effort", I said, "why didn't they give you the whole golf instead of just its balls!"

    I did play golf once - at St Andrews, Scotland, would you believe. Played with the retired greenkeeper. he carried a wood and a three iron, that's all. I said "How are you going to putt?" He said to me "That's what the walking stick is for!" and he showed me an old rosewood walking stick with a flat handle.

    "Are you any good at finding balls?" he asked. "Sure," I said. "Good! You get to finding a couple and we'll get this game going!"

  4. Excellent ending to the post!! Really made me smile. I feel like the announcers/narrators/hosts for fishing are the same way, but I am not a fisherman so maybe it is just me. I suggest you audition to replace this Johnny Miller! Having a Cranky announcer would certainly be entertaining!

  5. Great post! As a casual golfer, who occcasionally ventures out on the fairway to hit a few, I totally relate to your point, and such a fun perspective. I wonder what Johnny Miller would say if he were watching on the day I hit a pink noodle ice ball into a pine tree and knocked down a bird's nest? The noodle caboodled into a birdie on the fly? Makes me wonder... Thanks for the laugh, Cranky!

  6. My Dad is a golfer, my husband is a golfer, my eldest son was a golfer but gave it up when he realised he spent a lot of time wandering around bored stupid, and all he actually wants to do is drive the carts....Now he drives the cart for the husband...

    Damned expensive sport if you ask me and I have to agree with John further up and his comment - "Golf - A waste of a good walk"

    Lou :-)

    PS. If we end up moving out to Palm Springs, my Dad has already said he will be wintering with us for the rest of his life - I wonder why????


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