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Thursday, November 12, 2015

Are You Facing The Door?

Are You Facing The Door?

My wife has an internal GPS that almost never fails her.  Unfortunately, sometimes she over directs when telling other people how to find something.

It is kind of like that MapQuest thing where they give so much detail it can confuse you. 

Instead of telling you to take exit 12 and follow the signs to Rt. 287 east, MapQuest instructs you to:

Take exit 12 to Oakmont.
In 200 feet, turn left to Glockenspeil road.
In 10 feet turn right onto Flannigan Street.
In 250 yards turn right to Rt. 101.
Follow for two miles to Rt. 287 east.

If you just follow all the road signs to 287 east, you cannot go wrong.  If you follow all of MapQuest directions you (Make that I) sometimes get confused and make a wrong turn that takes me miles out of my way.

Mrs. Cranky’s directions can be like that.

The other night she called me from work.

“Can you get me something from the kitchen?”

“Sure, what?”

“Go down the stairs.  Walk to the counter where my blue work bag usually is…”

“Yeah, what am I looking for?”

“Are you by the counter?”


“Are you facing the sliding glass door?”

Mind you the sliding glass door is on a 45 degree angle from the counter.  I am directly facing the kitchen counter, but as per directions I angle myself toward the sliding glass door.

“OK, now what.”

“Do you see the yellow paper?”

“No, I see a yellow bag on the floor.”

“Are you facing the sliding glass door? (That was asked with some sense of urgency.) 

“YES!” (That was responded with some sense of exasperation.)

“Do you see the yellow paper?” (More urgency)

“No! Just a bag of paper on the floor!” (More exasperation.)

“Are you looking on the counter?”

“No, I’m looking towards the sliding glass door; the counter is not in my direct line of sight.”

“Well look at the counter!”


“Next to where my bag usually is do you see a yellow piece of paper?”


“Under the paper is an envelope.”


“Read me the address on the envelope.”

“Holy Hannah, why didn’t you just tell me to look for an envelope under a piece of yellow paper next to where you usually have your blue bag in the first place?”

“Because you would never have found it!”

“But I just did…and what was the crap about facing the door? That changed my line of sight.”

“I didn’t want you to be facing the fridge, you know how you are.”


“Just read me the damn address. JERK!”

Still, I would be lost without her.


  1. It's nice to know that even JERKS have their place in this world!!

  2. There's something about Mrs C that often reminds me of SD ...

  3. My daughter once gave me directions to a container of icing sugar in my kitchen, from her home clear across town. She was right too, it was exactly where she said and she'd never yet been into that kitchen.

  4. Loved this.... thanks for an early smile. I definitely like Mrs Cranky.

  5. Hmmmm..well, I'm guessing you've had trouble finding things in the past.

  6. Don't confuse me with the details! Just tell me what to look for.

  7. Bwahahahahahahahahahaha. You have such an interesting life. You really do.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

  8. You're dancin' with the devil mister :)

  9. I never did get that part about facing the sliding glass door. I think I'd still be looking for that envelope.

  10. Hahahaha.

    Somebody gave me directions once how to get to her house: Take Main Street going out of town, cross Elm Street, and then, after you pass by the house that Jack built, turn right onto my street. Say what??? Turns out The House That Jack Built was a bar just around the corner from her house. Heh.

  11. So the refrigerator is the week point eh?

  12. I totally understand the necessity of Mrs. C's directions. Thank goodness she is not a herpetologist who leaves work at home. That snake would have bitten you before you ever found it.