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Saturday, March 7, 2015
No opinion for
Cranky Opinion Saturday instead
A Rant for
CRANKY RANT SATURDAY
I hate salespeople. I’m sorry, are you in sales? Fuck you!
I’m on to your tricks.
First off, I’m not your friend.
I once had a sales guy pitching a new roof job that I needed. He had the best shingles with the best guarantee, and the best certified installers. He gave me his price and then pushed a contract to me to sign. If I signed right away I would get the one time, offered this week only, 10% discount. I told him I wanted to see a few more contractors before I decided.
“What’s the matter, don’t you trust me?”
I told him,
“You seem like a very nice guy, but I’ve only known you for 35 minutes. I have friends I’ve known since grade school who have fucked me, so no, I don’t trust you enough to sign just yet. Thank you!”
Oh, and the price he quoted me ended up about 150% higher than the price I finally paid a contractor who was not my “Friend.”
My favorite is when they offer a “Free Estimate.”
No kidding, thank you so much. A free estimate, what a great deal, because I hate it when the sales guy tells me it will cost me one million dollars for all new storm windows and then charges me 100 bucks for the estimate when I don’t buy his windows for a million bucks.
Who the hell pays for an estimate?
I love guarantees. “Guaranteed for life” is always a good one. Whose life? The life of the product? “Yeah, the washing machine died and was guaranteed for life? Sorry, its life is over!”
In 1970, I bought a Ginsu knife that had a fifty year guarantee. It broke last year while I was using it to cut a brick. Where do I go to get my new Ginsu? Doesn’t matter, somehow I’ve lost the sales slip anyway.
I have never known anyone in my life that has ever got a new product back from a lifetime guarantee (Ok, maybe Tupperware, but that shit never breaks.)
“On Sale today only!”
Does anyone really believe this one? First off most sales are for shit the store just can’t sell because it sucks, or it is just a price reduced from a ridiculous list price that only an idiot would pay. Like jewelry. I have never ever bought a piece of jewelry that was not on sale. It is always on sale, and the sale always ends tomorrow!
There is a clothes store chain that offers a special, “Buy one suit get one suit free” sale. I do not believe anyone has ever left that store with only one suit.
Furniture…is there a furniture store on God’s green earth that is not going out of business? There is a store a few miles from me that has been going out of business for 25 years. “Everything MUST go!” Well then why do you keep restocking?
That’s it, rant over.
Buy my first book for twice the list price, and get my second book free. Both are guaranteed to make you laugh. If not simply return them along with $29.99 postage and handling and I will return your purchase price. Act now, this offer expires as soon as you buy the book.
What, you don’t trust me?