CRANKY’S TV RULES
I am an admitted TV addict. Don’t get all judgy on me. I quit smoking (except for an occasional cigar), I quit drinking (except for an occasional glass of wine with dinner or scotch with my occasional cigar), I have recently quit carbs and sugar (except for…OK I’ve cut way back). Point is I am NOT giving up my TV.
I do have a few TV complaints which I wish the powers-that-be would rectify (tee hee Val, I said rectify.)
If you are listening, powerful TV people, here is my list of Cranky’s new rules for TV.
New Rule – I get to steal Bill Maher’s “New Rule” schtick.
New Rule – No whispering. I CAN”T FRIGGIN HEAR YOU! Speak up. If you are not in a library or a movie theater, speak at a normal volume. I know you think whispering is dramatic, but so is HEARING! If the scene is in a library or a movie theater, use sub titles.
New Rule – English accents do not make a character interesting or sophisticated, they make a character difficult to understand. Between the whispering and the accents I finally lose the ability to concentrate and lose the plot altogether. Just use a sub-title that says “This character is sophisticated.”
New Rule – Characters need to look different. When everyone is thin, white, and blonde, and whispering with an English accent, it is impossible to tell who is who. Mix them up, TV moguls; throw in some black people, some Asians, and some Mexicans. Have them wear different color clothes, mix up the hair color and length. Hell, if I had my way I would assign numbers with names on the back of each character like they do the players in baseball and football.
New Rule – Names have to sound different. “Is that Marge, Mary, Margret or Marcy?” Come on, mix it up. If there is a Mary, make the next person Betty, then Noreen, then Peggy. I’m old; can you please make it easy to follow along?
I grew up when TV knew how to make watching easy. Hop-a-long wore a great big white hat…Black Bart wore a black hat. Hoppy spoke clearly and loudly…Black Bart mumbled. Hoppy was always smiling; even when he was tied up to a chair with fire following a trail to a giant can of gasoline. Black Bart was always angry and when he smiled it was with that evil villain laugh. The TV I grew up with was easy to watch. There were no twin brothers to confuse you; no dead people who did not actually die; no fancy optical illusions or technological tricks used by the bad guy to confuse the audience. We knew who to root for and who to boo, and when the bad guy was caught (never killed) he always admitted his guilt and explained what he did and why, with any blanks in the story filled in by the victorious good guy.
When you watched a show in the good old days, you pretty much knew what was going to happen, then you saw it happen, and at the ending wrap up, just to be sure, they explained to you what just happened.
Finally, New Rule – If the show is not going to end on this week’s episode, tell us before we start to watch. If the plot will extend to several seasons, let us know. I can wait and binge watch three years from now.
That’s it TV moguls. Those are Cranky’s New Rules. Please fix them…