WHEN HALL MONITORS GROW UP

WHEN HALL MONITORS GROW UP

I’ve always wondered what happened to the kids in eight grade that walked the halls with those white shoulder-strap-belt things.  Remember?  Hall Monitors!  Those teacher’s ass-kissing goody-two-shoe kids that told you to stop running in the halls.  The ones who ratted you out for chewing gum or smoking in the bathroom…remember them? 

Apparently, they grow up and become Home Owner Association monitors.  They are keeping my townhome safe from improper outside lights, and spitting on the street or whatever infractions in the fine print HOA rules they have to enforce.

Our home is currently within a 30-mile radius of the epicenter of the current pandemic that has halted almost all activities, shut schools and restricted all but essential businesses.

My wife and I, being in the age group that has been warned to self-quarantine, have not left the house for nine days. 

What did we just receive in an email from the HOA hall monitors?  A warning not to put up house “For Sale” signs.

Yeah, that has been my big concern these days. 

For the ten years I have lived in this area, there have always been “For Sale” signs, and I never heard a complaint.  Suddenly this is a problem?

Such a big problem that they notified EVERY homeowner, and BTW I have not seen one such sign in a long while though I’m sure a few probably exist.

Meanwhile, the HOA hall monitors in the last few years have installed around 100 signs telling dog owners to clean up after their dog.  Yes, I think people should clean up after their dog, but people who don’t clean up after their dog are not the people that obey signs…UGLY signs, at least every bit as ugly as a “For Sale” sign.

Hell, why not just put one sign at the entrance that says, “Humans live here…Behave!”

Today, while I am under self-quarantine as suggested by experts, the Governor’s request, and by state law, I was awoken by six men with blowers clearing the area of almost seventeen leaves.  Up my front and back yard, on my front stoop and on my back deck six men clearing LEAVES for crap sake.

Is this an essential service?  Leaves that have been around since after the last November clean-up now need to be blown away in the middle of a pandemic? 

Why not send the furnace inspector into our homes or the vent cleaner, or plumbers to check our sump pump?  Because…because I don’t know, but rules are rules and priorities are priorities.

Screw a pandemic virus, nothing in the bylaws about that, but we can’t have “For Sale” signs in the yard, and by damn, leaves are supposed to be cleared by May.

Thank God for the Hall Monitors.  I would never have survived eighth grade without them, and now in the middle of a PANDEMIC they are saving me from the scourge of “For Sale” signs and LEAVES!

Now I want to sell this house, just so I can put a "For Sale" sign in the yard.