FLYING FIRST CLASS

FLYING FIRST CLASS

Re-run from March 2014

The Cranky’s don’t fly often, maybe twice a year.  We always fly coach, because flying first-class is stupid-expensive.   First class costs a little over 2 ½ times coach. 

Whenever we do fly, we always board after first class.  I hate filing past all those seated smug, rich, fat a-holes who are willing to pay 2 ½ times my fare just to get to the same location.  I feel, as I drag my bag through first class, that all those smug pricks are purposely looking away, not wanting to be in any way associated with the riff raff, hoi polloi passing by.

They make me sick.

I get it, you’re rich.  You pay 2 ½ times my fare just for bigger seats, free booze, a meal, and nicer peanuts...Jerks!

Last year, around my birthday, we stayed in Aruba for a four day vacation.  We flew coach.  When we arrived in Aruba,  I was starving, and my arthritic hip ached because my seat was so cramped.   I had to pee like a race horse, because every time I started for the lavatory, someone else jumped up and beat me to it.  I was tired, because the passenger next to me kept winning the armrest war, and I couldn’t sleep.  I didn’t complain, because I was so happy to be on a warm inviting island.

When our stay was over, and we headed to the airport for the trip home, I realized that Mrs. Cranky had not got me a present or even a card for my birthday, which was that very day.  When I mentioned this, I was told that when we got on the plane she would give me my present.

Now she had me going.  No matter what I guessed would be my present, she gave me no hint.  I figured it was a special airplane head rest, or a new crossword puzzle book, or maybe a DVD for my laptop.

While in the waiting room, they announced loading for first-class passengers.

“That’s us, let’s go.”

“What?  Not yet, they just called first class.”

“I know, that’s us, Happy Birthday!”

“Get out of town!”

“Yup, I bundled a whole bunch of mile credits, and upgraded to first class.”

I piled onto the plane and marveled at how much room there was in the overhead compartment.  I didn’t have to shift and squeeze our carry-on to make it fit.  I sat down and reveled in the comfy leather seat which provided unlimited leg room, and my own personal arm rests.

When the other passengers were allowed to board, I had to look away.  Such riff raff, why are they even allowed to board through first class…I would have to send a complaint to the airline.

On the return flight I watched a movie, had two soft drinks, a meal and an extra bag of peanuts.  There was no wait for the lavatory, and most of the way I slept like a baby.  When we landed, we deplaned before everyone else.  My hip did not ache, and I was totally rested.

We are going back to Aruba in a few weeks.  We will be flying coach both ways.  I don’t know how I am going to survive the trip with all those common people.