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Monday, November 11, 2019

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

Our townhouse is not large, but it is a good size for Mrs. Cranky, myself and an occasional visitor.  It is an end unit and we have a plenty of privacy outside.  Inside, however, it is sometimes a bit creepy.  We border on two other units, and sometimes when our neighbors come home, or just slam a door it sounds like they are inside our unit.  That combined with the fact that Mrs. C came home a few years ago, and saw a window had been jimmied open by intruders sometimes keeps us on edge.  She never saw the intruders, she rang the bell, called the police, and heard the burglars leave out the back door in a hurry. 

Nothing was stolen except for our sense of security.

We now have active burglar alarms, and there are only two ways to enter the home, the front door and a sliding glass patio door.  We always keep the front door locked and the patio door is locked plus a wood brace makes it impossible to enter from the outside.  Still, the occasional downstairs noises can creep you out even when you are positive the doors are all secure.

One night it sure sounded like our front door was opened, and there were footsteps in the downstairs hallway.  Mrs. C was concerned.

“Did you lock the front door?”

“It’s fine; it’s just noise from next door.”

“OK, but it is sure creepy.”

“I agree, but it is nothing…go to sleep.”

Just then there was a tremendous crash from downstairs.  It wasn’t next door.  It wasn’t a creepy floor squeak or house shifting noise, it was a crash, then a second crash, then silence.

“What the hell was that?”

I grabbed an old police Billy club a friend gave me years ago and got out of bed.

“CALL 911, I’M GOING TO CHECK IT OUT.”

“I’M DIALING RIGHT NOW!!”

WHO EVER IS DOWN THERE, GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.  I’VE GOT A PISTOL.  I’M COMING DOWN IN TWO MINUTES. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!”

“What are you going to do?”

“Shhh, do you hear anything?”

“No.”

“I’m going downstairs.”

“Be careful.”

I crept down the stairs, club in hand, heart pounding.  I heard nothing, there was no movement, no shadows, and nothing was moved.  I turned down the hallway, TV police style.  I slashed blindly with my club as I turned into the hallway; nothing.  I checked the bathroom; nothing.  Every room was clear.  Then there was the pantry.  It is large enough for a person to hide in.  I slid silently up to the pantry door, and ripped it open with my club raised. 

Cans fell out at me, cereal boxes were all over, the pantry was a mess.

Two weeks before I had installed new shelves in the pantry.  Mrs. C told me the molly bolts I used were not big enough.  I had told her she was crazy.  For two weeks I was right.  Tonight I was wrong, very, very wrong.  The bolts had pulled out under the weight of one too many soup cans and had crashed heavily onto the shelf below which then succumbed to the extra weight of the fallen shelf and pulled loose on its own…hence the second crash.

The shelf failure was my fault.  The mess was my fault.  The ungodly scare was my fault.  I felt like an idiot skulking around my downstairs calling out to a non- existent burglar and swinging wildly with my club.

Mrs. Cranky thought I was very brave.

Then referring to the molly bolts she said, “I told you so!”
re-run from November 2013

18 comments:

  1. I think you are brave too, I wouldn't be creeping around if I heard something in my own home. Outside my home is a different matter. I'm surrounded by people who thing nothing of washing dishes at 2am, or dragging stuff from their flats down the driveway to dump on the footpath. Others will have "visitors" who come whistling and knocking anytime at all after midnight and sometimes I will be looking out of doors or windows to see if things are "normal" or if I should call the police?
    I hope you fixed the pantry with bigger molly bolts whatever they are.

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  2. Your bravery outshines your handyman-ness.

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  3. At least she told you that you were very brave before she told you "I told you so."

    betty

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  4. You were brave I would have called the police and felt like a fool when I found out what it was.

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  5. What a hoot! I was living through this, waiting for robbers to jump on you. Your lady wife managed to get the last word though, like always!

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  6. Brave yes. Handyman ... probably not. What did the police say? Did they at least fix the shelves for you?

    God bless.

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  7. How scary even if it was a builder's mistake. Glad you are safe and hope those original burglars are out of the neighborhood.

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  8. Noises like that freak me out. I'm often creeped out by noises from our basement. The furnace will sometimes make sounds like clanking metal. Last week, we woke up to scraping sounds. I think a squirrel managed to get in the wall in our dining room.

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  9. That would have freaked me out. I don’t worry about intruders much anymore with Ol Hook. There’s something about a hundred pound pit bull that says to a burgler, “maybe we should get the next house instead of this one.”
    I’m glad you didn’t have to unload on someone with a billyclub.

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  10. Never a dull moment at your house. That would have been most scary though. Glad that's all it was.

    Have a fabulous day, Joe. 😎

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  11. Funny....but not really, because I've heard creepy noises downstairs while lying in bed upstairs and the experience is exactly as you've described it! But here's our more typical scenario from a house well populated with animals: the cats knock stuff down, and the 80 lb. German Shep mix goes charging to see, barking like a maniac. I feel safer with her leading the charge. You might want to invest in a dog for an extra layer of protection, but in your case, you can skip the cat. Mrs. C. already has you to create midnight havoc! :)

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  12. That first break in was totally scary but the phantom one was even more so. Give you credit Joe, I'd have waited for the police to break down the door then had serious repairs to make to the house and my pride. Phew.

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  13. You are brave. That's scary! - Have the neighbors ever heard stuff clatter and falling at your place and called the cops??

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  14. So after a little praise she's back to letting you know you're a jerk, right?

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  15. I would have peed my pants...you are brave...not a good carpenter maybe, but brave!

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  16. You were very brave. Police might have advised you to lock yourself in your bedroom and wait for them to show up.

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  17. believe me i imagined the whole scenario and i think YOU ARE SO BRAVE dear JOE :)

    you went straight into hole of possible danger ,i am proud of you :)
    and yes see what mrs C is right even this time too :)
    try not to avoid her words again :)

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