THINGS I WANTED TO SAY

THINGS I WANTED TO SAY

We all know Mr. Rogers would NEVER do that!

Through the years there have been questions, comments or statements that I was never in a place where I could speak my mind.  It’s never too late, here is what I wanted to say, it just feels good to let it out.

To Mr. Dunham, my fifth grade teacher when I got caught sneaking out of school with Johnny Pear, to have lunch at the local deli instead of in the cafeteria.  My excuse was Johnny wanted to do it.  I was asked,

“Would you jump off the empire state building if Johnny wanted to do it?”

I said, “No Mr. Dunham.”

When I wanted to say,

“Dude, lunch at a deli…certain painful death…isn't that an apples and oranges kinda thing…ya dumb shit!”

In seventh grade, I was caught giggling in the back of Mr. Franks home room and asked,

“Would you mind telling the rest of us what is so darn funny?”

I said, “Nothing Mr. Frank.”

When I wanted to say,

“Jerry just farted, it was a silent but deadly and it really stinks.”

In the eighth grade and Miss Chiarella caught me whispering with Tommy Olson,

“What are you whispering about?”

I said, “Nothing Miss Chiarella.”

When I wanted to say,

“We were just discussing how perky your breasts were today.”

To my high school football coach who said,

“Goll dang it Hagy, you just don’t want it bad enough”

I said, “Ah...er...sorry coach.”

When I wanted to say, “Yes sir, that and the other guy is forty pounds bigger than I am and faster to boot.”

To my college English professor who took off ten points on an essay asserting that,

“You cannot have a paragraph with less than three sentences!”

I answered, “Yes sir, sorry sir.”

When I wanted to say,

“Fuck you!...Is that a paragraph?”

To my boss who wanted me to resolve 175 booking discrepancies before noon and said,

“I don’t care how you get it done, just get it done.”

I said, “Yes sir.”

When I wanted to say,

“No wonder you are in a managerial position; you have such expert guidance and motivational skills.  I know, I’ll just tell the guys ‘I don’t care how you do it, just get it done’…you stupid asshole!”

To the annoying overweight lady who stopped me during a smoke break outside of my office and said,

“Do you know smoking is bad for your health?”

I responded, “Yes, I am trying to quit.”

When I wanted to say,

“Yes, it is probably almost as unhealthy as stuffing your fat face with doughnuts and cheese cake you morbidly obese busybody!”

To my ex-wife who every time she got in an argument with someone  would end up screaming at me,

“Why don’t you ever step up to the plate for me?”

I would say, “I'm sorry dear, you’re right.”

When I wanted to say,

“Because you are always so obviously over the top unreasonably inappropriate and out of touch with reality WRONG it is all I can do to say nothing at all!”

To the cop who pulled me over and asked,

“Do you know how fast you were going?”

I said, “No sir, was I over the limit?”

When I wanted to say,

“I was doing 65 in a 55 zone, you know it, I know it, give me the damn ticket and stop playing your Officer Asshole bullshit!”

How about you?  Got anyone you care to blast?  Go ahead, I won’t tell.

Re-run from November 2014