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Monday, November 4, 2019

THINGS I WANTED TO SAY

THINGS I WANTED TO SAY

We all know Mr. Rogers would NEVER do that!

Through the years there have been questions, comments or statements that I was never in a place where I could speak my mind.  It’s never too late, here is what I wanted to say, it just feels good to let it out.

To Mr. Dunham, my fifth grade teacher when I got caught sneaking out of school with Johnny Pear, to have lunch at the local deli instead of in the cafeteria.  My excuse was Johnny wanted to do it.  I was asked,

“Would you jump off the empire state building if Johnny wanted to do it?”


I said, “No Mr. Dunham.”

When I wanted to say,

“Dude, lunch at a deli…certain painful death…isn't that an apples and oranges kinda thing…ya dumb shit!”


In seventh grade, I was caught giggling in the back of Mr. Franks home room and asked,


“Would you mind telling the rest of us what is so darn funny?”
I said, “Nothing Mr. Frank.”

When I wanted to say,

“Jerry just farted, it was a silent but deadly and it really stinks.”


In the eighth grade and Miss Chiarella caught me whispering with Tommy Olson,


“What are you whispering about?”

I said, “Nothing Miss Chiarella.”

When I wanted to say,

“We were just discussing how perky your breasts were today.”


To my high school football coach who said,


“Goll dang it Hagy, you just don’t want it bad enough”

I said, “Ah...er...sorry coach.”

When I wanted to say, “Yes sir, that and the other guy is forty pounds bigger than I am and faster to boot.”


To my college English professor who took off ten points on an essay asserting that,

“You cannot have a paragraph with less than three sentences!”

I answered, “Yes sir, sorry sir.”

When I wanted to say,

“Fuck you!...Is that a paragraph?”


To my boss who wanted me to resolve 175 booking discrepancies before noon and said,


“I don’t care how you get it done, just get it done.”

I said, “Yes sir.”

When I wanted to say,

“No wonder you are in a managerial position; you have such expert guidance and motivational skills.  I know, I’ll just tell the guys ‘I don’t care how you do it, just get it done’…you stupid asshole!”


To the annoying overweight lady who stopped me during a smoke break outside of my office and said,

“Do you know smoking is bad for your health?”

I responded, “Yes, I am trying to quit.”

When I wanted to say,

“Yes, it is probably almost as unhealthy as stuffing your fat face with doughnuts and cheese cake you morbidly obese busybody!”


To my ex-wife who every time she got in an argument with someone  would end up screaming at me,


“Why don’t you ever step up to the plate for me?”

I would say, “I'm sorry dear, you’re right.”

When I wanted to say,

“Because you are always so obviously over the top unreasonably inappropriate and out of touch with reality WRONG it is all I can do to say nothing at all!”


To the cop who pulled me over and asked,


“Do you know how fast you were going?”

I said, “No sir, was I over the limit?”

When I wanted to say,

“I was doing 65 in a 55 zone, you know it, I know it, give me the damn ticket and stop playing your Officer Asshole bullshit!”


How about you?  Got anyone you care to blast?  Go ahead, I won’t tell.
Re-run from November 2014

13 comments:


  1. “You cannot have a paragraph with less than three sentences!”

    I didn't know that. Oh dear, such since I commit!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Someday when I am shopping and there is a long line at the checkout and a woefully inadequate number of cashiers I imagine myself responding to the standard "Did you find everything you were looking for?" by taking out a shopping list and checking off all the items on the conveyor. In one version of this fantasy, I might even claim to have not found something. "Oh, hang on. I forgot the oregano." My imaginary life is way more twisted than my real life.

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  3. I hate strangers saying "smile" when I am in deep thought. I usually paste a weak one on and move past them. What I want to say is," My back needs surgery, my husband is cheating on me and my dog is dying. No thanks." Pretty sure I will never say that but it might be fun. Even grinners like me don't smile ALL the time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I remember going somewhere and there was a health care working sitting in a chair and she needed three chairs because she was that heavy. She want to talk to me about how to stay healthy. You know you're over 50 and need to take care of yourself. I just looked at her in disbelief. I was in great shape, not overweight and already eating healthy and exercising. I still remember that piece of work and always wondered if she ever really looked at herself in the mirror.

    Have a fabulous day, Joe. 😎

    ReplyDelete
  5. Omigosh this cracked me up good! Just what I needed, thanks Joe :) This reminded me of last October, was out to lunch with a former coworker & her spouse--she went on for a solid 20 minutes about the new driveway they'd just put in. When her husband asked what was going on with me, I said "Well, I've been dealing with some kinks in my Obamacare" and his wife said "Yes,yes--we know all about it. I'd rather you didn't talk about it."

    ReplyDelete
  6. My then supervisor used to always end her emails saying how much she appreciated everyone on her team. No what she appreciated was that we kept her in turnaround time so she could get her bonus.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
  7. A cop pulled me over and said, "Well, little lady, do you know how fast you were going?" I answered, "Pretty fast." He let me off with a warning. I think youth and gender were on my side.

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  8. No, I think you've covered it, Joe.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh i think some times it is better to leave things unsaid dear Joe

    i hope none of them reads this post ,specially your ex lol

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well, as you can imagine, I've not had very many of these moments in my life. My family swears I came out of the womb flipping the world off BUT I actually do have these moments when it's been a challenging day for me and then I get the happiest store clerk to help me and tell me how much she likes my shirt and walks me to the aisle instead of just pointing and chatters all along the way... Yeah. I'd love to tell her to just shut the f*ck up. Hahahaha. - I love the Jerry's fart situation. Everybody laughs at farts, kids and adults. Oh, and yes. I totally agree with the fat people giving out health advice. I'll take fitness advice from Jennifer Gardner not so much from Roseanne Barr.

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  11. If your English teacher said "less than three sentences" he was an idiot, it should have been "fewer than three sentences" and as an English professor he should have known that. He also should have known that there's no such rule!

    ReplyDelete
  12. My fantasies of when I want to say things seem to happen in grocery stores for some reason. Like when the cashier asks me if I found everything: "Why, are you hiding stuff?"

    And in the next one I'm the cashier in the express checkout lane, to the woman who has 15 items in the "10 items or fewer" checkout: "Which 10 items would you like to buy?"

    LOL. You made me laugh, Cranky.

    ReplyDelete

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