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Monday, September 23, 2019


This cranky re-run is from September 2013
I think I need to learn a new language.   As I get older I need to keep the mind working, I need to exercise the brain.  Learning to speak a foreign language might be just the mental exercise I need.

Learning a language should be a good way to work out the old grey matter.
What language should I learn.

I don’t want to learn French.  I don’t like berets.  I don’t like stinky cheese.  I don’t plan on visiting Paris or Montreal any time soon.
I don’t want to learn Spanish.  I already know all I need to know: No fume, salida, sala los de hombres, cerveza, gracias, no lo se, and por favor.  Well I know these when they are accompanied by little stick figures.

Russian, Chinese, Japanese, Arabic, all of these require learning a new alphabet…I’m not that smart.  Besides, I want to learn a language I can use every day. 

I want to learn the secret language of woman…Womanese.

This language would come in handy in many situations.  Have you ever been at a party where you and your wife chatted for twenty minutes with a perfectly lovely lady only to have your wife comment as you move to another corner of the room,

“What a bitch, do you believe what she said?”

“What? She said it was nice to see you and your hair looks great.”

“First of all, my hair doesn’t look great, so that was just mean; secondly, did you not hear how she said 'it was nice to see me?'  Did you even see her eye brows?  Are you completely oblivious to voice inflections?”

“No, no I didn’t, and yes, yes I am…I do not speak Woman.”

Maybe if I spoke Womanese I would not have been divorced twice.  If I spoke the language I might have known when something I thought was trivial was in actuality really important.  Where I often think, “Why don’t you just tell me what you want,” it has never occurred to me that maybe they are telling me exactly what they want, I just don’t speak the language.

The problem is I don’t know where to find a school or even a book that teaches Womanese.  How do women learn? 

There must be a pamphlet somewhere that teaches “Basic Inflections 101.”

Where do I find “Eye movements, facial expressions, and body language for Dummies?"  It is not sold at Barnes and Noble or Amazon.

How about “Rosetta Stone,” can this program teach me when“You look so pretty” is a good thing, and when it means “F-off bitch?”  Why is “Have you been working out?” sometimes such an awful thing to ask?

There are so many phrases, and so many different meanings; so many inflections, so many facial, shoulder and hand movements.  Every combination of phrase, inflection, and body movement conveys a completely different meaning. How do women learn them all?

Mrs. Cranky told me, “It is really quite easy, I could teach you everything you need to know about speaking Womanese; you just need to learn to listen.”

I wonder what she meant by that...  


  1. Hahaha! Your wife is a wise woman. 😄

  2. i agree that learning at this age is good idea dear Joe

    i am woman (it looks like at least lol) and i don't know womanese nor i want to learn
    i know that this language is spoken in events and gatherings fully often but i never take part in it because speaking this one can pollute my faith in goodness :)

    i believe that men also use such language though not as much as women

  3. "you need to learn to listen" is much more than what it seems. Just listening isn't enough. You need to pay close attention, probably from age five, to every facial expression, every twitch, every eye roll, every teeny tiny nuance, and then pay attention to what goes before and after each and every one. Then, by the time you are thirty, you may just have a handle on "Womanese". Or not. I'm a woman and don't understand it myself.

  4. Oh, dear. I've learned and lost Spanish. Sometimes things come back...often when I forget to put a stamp on them...see...there ya go. Good one Cranky!

  5. And of courrse, in the South, the dialect is different.

  6. I am not good with womanese even though at last look I am a woman.

  7. I think before I would have Mrs. Cranky teach you Womanese, you need to make sure you understand her definition of listen.


  8. The listen part is hard for some guys. Just saying. Your wife is a hoot.

    Have a fabulous day, Joe. ♪♫♪♫

  9. Good luck Cranky. There are so many dialects of womanese. You may learn one version only to find out it doesn't play the same with all women. Example. "You really look so pretty today." It is the "today" one must be wary of. It implies that the receiver looks crappy every other day. Lesson one-- the hidden innocent sounding words. You're welcome:))

  10. Bless your heart. Realizing that you don't understand womanese is the first step...

  11. Hahahaha. Again, I side with Mrs. Cranky. I've been to those parties and I've chatted with those women. I totally get it. You should not only listen you should be way more observant. Maybe learn body language. :)

  12. Maybe you should spend time in the corner? Staring at a wall? That is your safest bet.

  13. This is so funny! I agree with Mrs. C...once I had someone say to me: "Gee, you've lost a TON of weight!"...seriously? A Ton!!! B#$%h!

  14. Another good one, Joe. You're amazing!

  15. I think Susan has the right idea. I mean, what can go wrong when stuck in a corner.

  16. THAT gave me an LOL at the end!
    Btw, I took two semesters of Spanish at a local community college in 2018. Coincidentally, I was supposed to begin another course tonight - Intermediate Spanish (Adult Learning), but received a call yesterday saying that it was cancelled. Booo!