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Friday, December 11, 2015

HEAVEN or HELL - a cranky re-run again

Originally posted December 2011 and again in 2012

 As I get older and I realize my time above ground is limited, I reflect on my life and wonder….am I going to Heaven or Hell?
The problem is I don’t really know what the rules are.  Sure the major religions all claim they know the rules, but do they? And, does God take sides?  Surely if I lead a good life I won’t be sent to Hell just because I did not face Mecca and say “Ooga booga” six times a day, or just because I ate pork.

Who goes to Hell?  I gotta think Hitler went to Hell.  Who goes to Heaven?  Surely Mother Theresa is in Heaven.  What about those in between?  What are the rules?  

I guess if the rules were hard and fast, those who go over the line would know there was no turning back and just keep on sinning.  

I think God wants us to have the chance for a do-over. Catholics believe in the do-over in the form of “confession.” Is that really fair?  Could Hitler have merely gone to confession and got a pass?

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

“What are your sins my son?”

“I killed nine million people Father.”

“Oh my, that is bad.  Were they Jews?”

“Yes Father.”

“Well then, say 150,000 Hail Mary’s and stop killing Jews.”

“Yes Father and thank you.”

I know I have not led a perfect life, but I am no Hitler, I think I should not go to Hell.  Then again I am no Mother Theresa, should I go to Heaven?  There must be some compromise. The gap is too large, the consequences too dire for this to be a pass/fail system.

“What is it Saint Pete, up or down?”

“Hmmm Joe you look pretty good…wait….I see you egg bombed Mrs. Krances House when you were ten….I’m sorry, you are going down.”

“With Hitler?”

“Yes, sorry, it was a close call.  Say hello to Saddam and George Carlin.”

“George Carlin?  He was so funny.”

“Yes, but that seven words thing.  It was another close call.”

There must be an in-between.  Mother Theresa deserves steak and lobster, Hitler deserves dog shit.  I think I should at least get “The Olive Garden” and pasta with Asiago cheese.  

I think maybe the in-betweeners have to do some time in Hell and then go to Heaven, but not first class Heaven.  Maybe I could do two weeks in “Toys are Us” on Christmas Eve and then make tourist class Heaven.

Whatever the requirements, a “C” average or above, pass/fail, or a quota system, it is probably too late for me to make any major changes.  I plan to try not to be mean, not kill anyone and hope I can plead a case with the life I’ve led so far.

And I thought final exams in college were important.


  1. Hi Joeh,

    I'm a Catholic and I haven't been to confession since the age of 14. Also, I haven't been to a Mass since 16 (if you discount weddings). I married a Protestant, divorced her, and now live "in sin" with an atheist.

    Thankfully, we have "Purgatory" so if this Catholic thing is true, I will suffer torment for a while in Purgatory to atone for my sins before going to Heaven with my tail between my legs.

    Of course, they may just skip Purgatory because, according to a lot of Born-Again Christians, I am doomed to an eternity with Beelzebub (and Hitler) because I love heavy metal music.

    Anyway, whatever happens, we can both chat about it in the afterlife because I'm certain, ultimately, we'll end up in the same place.




  2. Well, if what i happen to read in the cheat book (The Bible) is right, believe that Jesus paid for your sins, and live out of His love for everyone, and you won't have to wonder. If what i believe is wrong, well, at least, like you, i've done my best and not killed anyone that i know of.

  3. I think most of us are going to be just fine Joe. I've know several people that made the hair stand up on end. These people have indeed killed people and are not sitting on death row in San Quentin. I don't think they will be where we are and they probably will be with Hitler.

    Have a terrific day. ☺

  4. I've decided it's safer never to die!!

  5. A fun post, even though I don't believe in Heaven or Hell other than what we create here on Earth.

  6. How are the comments different/same between this post and the original? Just wondering if you've got a different audience, or if their views have changed.

  7. Lemme tell are not going to heaven or hell. You're coming back as a cow in India!

  8. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...Wait! That's the theme song from Facts of Life.

    I don't have an answer, I guess.

  9. For some reason I am reminded of the Evangelical "Christian" guests on Larry King Live who who would sit there and tell him to his face that he was not going to heaven because he was Jewish. Hmmm, I don't know the real answer, but I have a feeling that one isn't it!

  10. Bible pretty much clearly lays out how to get into heaven; of course that would mean someone would have to believe that the Bible is the word of God. I'm thinking it is because it is truthful, it doesn't try to gloss over how hard life can be, and it is life changing (usually in a positive way) for those that read it, take it to heart and follow what it says about eternal life. I'm 100% sure where I'll be spending eternity and 100% sure in the "method" to get there in believing who Jesus is because he 100% keeps his promises and word. That's a pretty good track record I think :)


  11. I think my mum is probably stuck in the in-between, because, in her own words, "God doesn't want me and the Devil doesn't either."
    Me? I'm going to heaven because my god is more forgiving than hers. Maybe.


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