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Wednesday, December 23, 2015


With the college bowl season upon us and the NFL playoffs on the horizon I offer for you casual fans the following explanations of the football talk you will be hearing from coach interviews.

“We are going to play ‘Smash Mouth Football.’”  - These guys are faster and more athletic than we are so we will try and beat them by playing dirty.

“We just need to execute better.”  -  We are being totally outplayed and I have no idea how to make any adjustments to beat them.

“Turnovers are killing us.”  -  Our ball carriers cannot hold on to the ball and our quarterback has happy feet and is making bad throws.

“Our quarterback has happy feet.”  The quarterback is afraid of being hit.

“We just have to improve our tackling, too many missed tackles out there.” – Their running backs are too fast and are faking us out of our jockstraps.

“Special teams are going to determine the winner.”  - No one can move the damn ball, the team with the best punter and place kicker will win.

“Our guys just don’t want it badly enough.” – Those guys are bigger, faster and better coached than we are.

“Penalties are killing us.” – I should have done a better job of coaching.

“Our front four needs to do a better job of rushing the passer.” – Our defensive line sucks.

“We need to do a better job of containing the run.”  - That big friggin tight end is manhandling our defensive end.

“We just have to play our game and not panic.” – We are in deep doo doo.

“We have to establish the run.” – We can’t move the ball passing it, we better do something.

“We have to do better in the red zone.”  - We can’t score when we get close to the goal line.

“They put their pants on the same as we do, one leg at a time.” – They are going to kick our ass, have you seen the size of those guys?

“We just have to buckle our chinstraps and go get them!”Nobody has a clue what this means.

Enjoy the games everybody!


  1. Well, as a follower of a team that likes to play Smash Mouth Football, I've always taken it to mean, 'they might be faster and more athletic than we are, but we'll hit harder than they will.' Not necessarily dirty, just physical.

    But, you know, that can be a fine distinction sometimes. . .


  2. I've watched the coach of the Arizona Cardinals on his post game press conferences. What amazes me is how long they go on and how many different ways the reporters can ask the same questions and the variety of his answers. A bit redundant at times; its like "we played a game, it was a good game, it wasn't a good game, we made some mistakes, we should have tried harder, we'll do so the next game; the end"


  3. Yes, these quips are all mysterious double-talk to a non-fan like me, but the one lasting "football lie" I learned ages ago as a youngster waiting patiently for daddy to take us to the park is that, "This is the last quarter, honey, three more minutes on the clock!" NEVER translates to just three "real minutes!" Boo, football!

  4. I can't tell you how refreshing to actually know the translations of the coaches comments :) Good job Joel.

  5. I'll try and remember these explanations if I turn the TV channel and accidentally end up watching a football game. Merry Christmas to you and Mrs. Cranky.

  6. These are excellent, Joe! Merry Christmas to you and the Missuz.

  7. It sounds a lot like political speak -- say a lot to say about nothing. Have a blessed and beautiful postseason -- er, um, Christmas!

  8. “We just have to buckle our chinstraps and go get them!”

    So that's what's wrong with the Dallas Cowboys this year. Coach Whathisname keeps telling them to buckle up their JOCKstraps!