Do You Believe Everything You Read?

Do You Believe Everything You Read?

 

I just read an interesting article about a liberal, college- professor, intellectual who suggested that perhaps we no longer need to be ruled in this country by The Constitution. 

His point was that we should not be ruled by the ideas of people who knew nothing of our country as it exists today.  For instance, the rule that our President must be born in this country was probably more meaningful and important in 1783 than it is today.  What does it matter, for instance, if Barack Obama was not born in this country?  If it did matter, then people would use that as a  basis to not vote for him.

The comments that followed this article were full of venom and hatred for this intellectual.  I doubt that many of this person’s persecutors even read the entire article.  The title “Let’s Give up the Constitution” was all they needed to go all “Fox News” on him.

Much of this man’s argument for getting rid of The Constitution was really more in a “Let’s rewrite those sections which make no sense in today’s world” vein.  I don’t agree with the assertion that we should junk The Constitution.  We do have the ability to amend the document plus judicial interpretations often effectively make the document more in keeping with today’s world.  I’m not sure the professor really wants to junk The Constitution either.  I think he was being provocative to make a point.

I almost commented on this article myself, with the intent to stick up for the author and point out that he might not really be a America hating intellectual Liberal piece of crap, but if you read the piece with an open mind, he had an interesting point of view.  I thought better of commenting to people with such closed minds.

Politically I am generally a Conservative (some would say just right of Ghengis Kahn) and certainly do not want to scrap The Constitution.  However in reading the comments to this article I was reminded of one of my favorite retorts:

Years ago at a weekly meeting my old boss held with his underlings, he mentioned an article he had read which suggested a unique way to manage people (I don’t remember the specifics.)  He wasn’t telling his managers to follow this advice; he merely thought it an interesting perspective.

One person at the meeting disagreed with the ideas the article raised.  He challenged my boss, “Let me ask you…do you believe everything you read?”

My boss paused and then responded, “No…but I THINK about everything I read.”

Too often people today make the same mistake.  Thoughts and ideas are immediately accepted or lambasted and discarded based on the perceived political bent of the author. 

The world would be a better place if everyone would not either believe or deride everything that we read, but if we would at least THINK about what we read.    

HOME DOPE-O

HOME DOPE-O

Not a real Home Depot worker...

Maybe in four years.

 

Years ago there was a guy in my bowling league who worked at Home Depot.  We probably only bowled against his team a couple of times, but this guy stood out to me.  He stood out because he was somewhat unusual looking, as in kinda creepy, as in you might not hire him to babysit your children kinda creepy.  He also did not strike me as being particularly bright.  In fact I thought he was downright stupid.  If he was in the movie “Dumb and Dumber,” he could have stared in both parts.

Neil (not his real name) (actually who cares, it was his real name) worked at Home Depot.  I know that because I once overheard him discussing how all of his bosses were really stupid and all the customers who shopped there were even more stupid.

Several years after bowling in this league I ran into Neil while shopping at Home Depot.  He was working as a cashier.  I was purchasing several items and the shortest check-out line was Neil’s.  I checked out at his register.  I nodded in recognition when I approached him, but Neil did not seem to know me.  I did not try and refresh his memory.

I checked out my items, paid and left the store.  As I exited the store, lights flashed and bells rang.  I stopped.  I was confused because I knew I did not shop lift anything.  I turned and looked, waiting for a store rep to frisk me.  Neil waved me on, “Go ahead, it does that all the time.  Don’t worry about it.”

Cleared of any crime, I left the store.  As I was crossing through the parking lot to my car I started to think about what I had just purchased.  The final tab seemed low…almost $70 low.  I pulled out the receipt and checked it off.  Sure enough I was not charged for a $68 outside light that I had just “bought.” 

“No wonder the bells went off” I thought, “Numbnutz Neil never rang up the light fixture and did not run it through the demagnetizing strip which allows items to leave the store without setting off the alarms.”

I considered playing stupid and leaving for home with a free $68 light fixture, but a vision of my father, the original Mr. Honesty, waving a finger at me from heaven made me turn back.

I returned to Neil’s register. 

“I don’t think you charged me for this” I said pulling out the box holding the fixture.  “I think that is what set off the alarm.”

“Oh no. those things go off all the time.  I think they’re broken.”

“Well maybe, but here is the receipt, I don’t see where I was charged for the light.”

Neil examined the receipt for about five minutes before realizing he screwed up.

“Hmmm, I guess the system didn’t pick this up.” 

“Right, the system” I thought to myself, “most likely a problem with the jerk pushing the buttons.”

“Ok, I’ll just ring this up again, that’ll be $72.46.”

I paid, nodded goodbye, and started out the store.  As I turned to go Neil called out, “Don’t mind those bells, there just going to go off again…they do it all the time.”

As I walked out the door, I paused slightly…no bells.

I am sure the bells do go off all the time, especially when creepy Neil is on the job, but I doubt very much they are broken.

When I got home, I called Dan, my account manager at Merrill Lynch. 

“Dan, the stock I have in Home Depot…SELL!”   

OH WELL!

OH WELL!

 

The following is my son Matt’s favorite story about his grandmother, coincidentally my mother.  It may sound callous or cruel to some so I must provide some background.

My mother grew up at a time when getting sick often meant you might die.  The caution “Put on a coat, you’ll catch your death” was not just an expression.  Mom lost her mom to disease before she was eight years old.  She lost a baby sister when she was four.  Her father died before she was ten.  Mom was raised by her step-mom who was a wonderful grandma to me, but apparently seemed more like Cinderella’s guardian to my mother. 

My mom had many friends while growing up who did not make it to adulthood.  People from her generation knew children who died from a sniffle, they knew men who killed themselves when they lost everything in the stock market crash, they knew many, many young men who left home for war and never returned.  Simply put, mom was no stranger to death and was more numbed to its pain than those of future generations. 

My mother lived on the Maryland eastern shore, on a creek which led to the Chesapeake Bay.  I wish I could have claimed this as the home where I grew up, but my folks did not move to this idyllic house on the water until after I graduated from college.

In the summer when we visited, my kids loved to catch Maryland blue claw crabs off the dock. Mom would throw them in a pot and steam them for dinner.  If this seems cruel to you, (live crabs frantically clacking in a steaming pot for ten seconds before they die is not pretty) keep in mind crabs do not die of old age.  If we do not catch, steam and eat them, a fish will find them while they are shedding their shell and methodically bite off their legs before slowly eating them alive.

Anyway.

When my children grew up they still visited “Gammie’s” every summer for an annual “Crab Feast.”  They went with their friends, crabbed from the dock and Gammie would steam the crabs and serve up a feast along with corn-on-the cob.

One year, several of Matt’s friends were not aware of the size restrictions on keeping and eating blue claw crabs.  They brought up a bushel of crabs for Gammie to steam and as mom was grabbing the crabs with a long-handled crab tong and throwing them in the pot, she realized one was under the size limit.

“Oh my, this crab is too small.”

“Really, we didn’t know, should we throw it back Mrs. Hagy?”

“He really is under sized…” Then as mom flung the tiny crab into the steaming pot she declared,

“Oh well, babies die every day!”

Matt still laughs today at the thought of this sweet little old lady and her flippant remark.

 

When I am gone I hope my children have a fonder memory of me than this casual comment that they will always remember from Gammie.

And yet: 

The vision of an 88 year old, 102 pound gray-haired lady callously flinging an undersized crab into a steaming pot and saying “Oh well, babies die every day!” somehow was endearing. 

I think it represents the hard life of her generation, her toughness and in a strange way the strength of her religious convictions.  People die, babies die, life goes on and is everlasting. 

“World without end…ah…ah..men, ah..ah..men.”

SPEAK ENGLISH - a Monday re-run

SPEAK ENGLISH

CAN Y’ALL BE CONVERSATIN WITH ANY MORE STUPIDIDITY?

This week's Monday re-run is from August 2011.  Since this post "Conversating" has offically become a Webster's Dictionary accepted verb.  It is still unacceptable in Cranky's book! 

I be watchin reality TV shows lately an I be suprisedly exprised at how stupiditized some people be conversatin lately.

I know these people went to school at least through eighth grade. I know they can speak proper English. I know some slang and colloquialisms are acceptable and can add spice to the language, but HOLY CRAP, these people are over the top. OVER THE TOP, and I know they speak that way on purpose.

It is one thing to be ignorant. It is another to know better but choose to revel in your ignorance anyway. Nothing says “I’m stupid and I’m proud of it” like butchering the English language:

Whatever happened to the possessive “s?”

“My baby daddy.”

“I be going to my mom house.”

“If they not careful, I gone to kick they ass!” (Shouldn’t that be they’s ass?)

Do tenses matter? Do singular or plurals matter?

“Do it matter? Yes it do!”

“He be doing that shit alla time.”

“I had went to he house.”

“I be go over later.”

“He being coming over soon.”

Can y’all say y’all enough?

“Y’all better not be late or y’all going to be sorry, y’all.”

And shouldn’t y’all represent more than one? Apparently not.

“Y’all is late!”

Am, is, be, are; if you are going to use them, why not use them wrong?

I is; he am; you be; they is; he are…

Contractions? Hey, anything goes:

Am not = amen’t; go on = g’wan; have not = h’aint. Ain’t works for just about anything: he ain’t, we ain’t, they ain’t, you ain’t, y’all ain’t.

Some words do not need to be spoken with all their (they) letters and some words can just be left out.

“It cos fity cen.” (Sometimes “It costes fity cen.”)

“My boyfren”

“If I fin out you be lyin I gone go crazy on yo ass.”

“Whey you at?”

“Girl, yo be crazy.”

Why say you had something when you can say “I did had?”

“I did had me a drink.”

By all means make sure to give everything the colorful and descriptive adjective “mother fucking.” 

Why threaten to kick someone’s ass when you can kick:

“They mother fucking ass?”

When someone is wrong, they be:

“Mother fucking wrong.”

Apparently if you are really really tired, you are:

“Mother fucking tired.”

And these people did not just do something, they ACTUALLY did it.

“I was actually wearing a blue dress.”

“I actually woke up at nine o’clock.”

The only person on TV who ever calls these cretins out on their use of the English language is Judge Judy.

“Where were you that night?”

“Um..”

“Um is NOT AN ANSWER!”

“Were you drinking at the time?”

“Er..Yeah.”

“That would be YES!”

“Well your honor, we had been conversatin..”

“Hold on; you were WHAT?”

“Conversatin.”

“Conversatin? Byrd, what is conversatin?”

“I believe she is trying to say they were talking.”

“WHAT? Then say talking. I don’t know what conversatin is.”

I hate when people butcher the language on purpose; it is as if they are ashamed for others to think they have any education at all!

HOWEVER

I love Judge Judy.

STUPID HEADLINES 012713

STUPID HEADLINES 012713

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINES

And you thought there was only one

 

With Cranky’s stupider, sophomoric, and sometimes offensive comments

Russia moves to enact anti-gay law nationwide – Country is also considering making left-handedness illegal, along with laws against being blind or deaf.  Russian leader stated, “We are sick and tired of all these inconvenient differences!”

Republicans hit Democrats with ’179 trips to the moon’ since Senate passed a budget – Even more graphic, the Giants have beaten the Patriots in the Super Bowl twice since the Democratic senate last passed a Budget.

McDonald's settles $700,000 suit over Islamic diet in US – Fast food restaurant also agrees to stop serving Osama Mac-Ladin burgers.

Former French President Sarkozy may leave country to avoid high taxes – Ex-Prez disputes the high tax claim saying he just wants to get away from “Stinky Cheese.”

Rhode Island lawmaker introduces legislation to save father-daughter dances - Traditional dance was cancelled because it was gender specific.  New law would allow the event if other functions for opposing genders were offered.  So there will be a father-daughter dance, a mother-son dance, a father lesbian-daughter dance, and a mother gay-son dance.  ACLU will intervene in behalf of bi-sexual sons and daughters…our culture is doomed!

Man who lost nose to cancer will grow a new one on his arm – How will he wipe his sleeve on his sleeve?

Subway Sued Over ‘Footlongs’ That Came Up Short – Thank you lawyers, the world will now be a better place, except I now fear wives might get together and file a class action against husbands.

Las Vegas woman reportedly sues Match.com for $10M, claims site doesn't properly scan applicants – Maybe we should sue bars for any pick-ups that go wrong.  I’m pretty sure Match offers a disclosure, “Warning some men you meet on-line might be complete assholes.”

Packers' Saturday calling it quits after Pro Bowl – Saturday to quit playing on Sunday.

School to Limit Parental Access to Children – School now has a three year waiting list for enrollment!

Cory Booker rescues dog left outside Newark home – For those of you outside New Jersey, Cory Booker is the Mayor of Newark.  He regularly dons his cape and stops robbers, rescues people from fires, lifts cars off pedestrians, and now saves freezing dogs.  He is an actual Super-Hero!  Only in New Jersey!

Lingerie Football League losing the lingerie – I am there!  What channel?

Philadelphia school district defends decision to scold, search student over paper gun – Rules are rules, but it is a shame when a school loses the ability to think!

 

Is it a bad paper gun, or a bad cut-out of the State of Florida?

Come back next week for more

STUPID HEADLINES OF THE WEEK

Women In Combat

Women In Combat

 

The USA is currently about to remove a restriction that keeps women from the front lines in combat situations.  This is somewhat controversial, and a ripe topic for:

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

Politically correct opinion is of course that women are every bit as capable as men in combat situations.  We all know that most women are unemotional, strong both physically and mentally.  I hardly know any women who could not handle themselves and be victorious versus any man in combat.  Most women also are knowledgeable with guns and are expert markswomen (marksperson?).  Clearly carrying a forty pound backpack all day long in boiling hot or freezing weather would not slow any woman down.

Except all the above is unadulterated bull shit. 

If it makes you feel good ladies then go ahead and believe it, but I am 67 years old and I am willing to bet that I could beat the snot out of 90% of anyone without a penis.  Sorry, but you cannot bend facts just to make people feel good.

There are clearly women who are capable of fighting on the front lines both physically and mentally.  If these women choose to volunteer for combat should they be allowed to fight with the men?  I guess, but I’m not sure that men all volunteer for combat, and I’m not sure I would want women to be forced onto the front lines.  If they are to be treated as equals, that would be the case.

Occasionally women have competed professionally with men in golf; none has ever won a tournament.  No women has ever competed professionally with men in Football.  No woman has ever competed professionally with men in baseball or basketball.  Billy Jean King once beat an old man in tennis and it was acclaimed as a major breakthrough.  If a woman comes along who could throw a pass 60 yards and win the Super Bowl she would get a contract.  If a woman could hit a baseball 450 feet and bat 300 the Yankees would sign her.  There are no rules against women competing against men in professional sports, it just hasn't happened.  Is competing with men in combat any different?

Perhaps when we declare war against another country both sides could agree on a separate female army which would only fight against the other’s female army.  This might make things fair, but I have my doubts such an agreement could be accomplished.

I suppose there shouldn’t be a rule against women in combat, but allowing women on the front lines should only be for extraordinary situations and not be the norm.

We used to have a draft where any man 18 or older could be forced into service and be on the combat line in time of war.  We no longer have a draft, but it could be reinstated if needed.  If you are in favor of allowing women in combat, ask yourself this all you moms and dads out there:

Would you be in favor of a country that would draft and sent your 18 year old daughter into combat?

 

The above opinions are those of a Cranky Old Man and do not necessarily represent those of management – Mrs. Cranky

 

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

 

 

When I was a non-retired man, virtually every working day ended with one of my wives asking, “How was your day?”  My answer was the same as every other working man’s answer when posed with that daily wifely inquiry, “Fine.”

As sure as the sun rises in the east, this response was then followed by thirty minutes of why my wife had just experienced the worst day ever.

Don’t get me wrong, I know a SAHM’s* day is no picnic.  I just wonder if the average SAHM has any idea that her husband’s job also is not a bed of roses.  How could they, we never tell them. 

“How was your day?” is wife code for “brace yourself, have I got some shit to tell you!”  Well now I am going to finally answer that question.  Skip to the next blog if you wish, I understand, my wives would have never listened either.

“How was my day you ask?”  Here was my typical day.

The alarm woke me at 6:00 am and I hopped in the shower.  After showering and shaving, I dressed using a tee shirt I found in the dryer which was still slightly damp, but I didn’t have time to run it through again. Dressed, I did not have time for breakfast.  

I jumped into my car to find the windshield was frosted over.  I did not have time to warm the car up, and the defroster didn’t work, so I melted a hole in the frost with a Bic lighter.  With four inches of visibility I drove for the train.

At the light on Rt. 1, the car stalled out because the gas filter clogged again.  I jumped out, pulled the gas filter and blew out the crap causing the clog.  I only missed one light doing this so I still had a chance to catch my train.  I did in fact catch the train, but only after running full speed and hopping on just as it was pulling out of the station.  It was a good day; I managed to get a seat.  I did not have time to get a paper or coffee which I could have used to get the taste of gasoline from the filter out of my mouth.

 I almost caught a nap but first Joe “The Blind Guy” woke me to ask if the seat was taken, and then the conductor nudged me because he could not read the date on the ticket I had displayed in the seat ticket holder.

After 40 minutes we got to Newark and I changed for the Path train to downtown NYC.  I did not get a seat. There were lots of sweaty people with arm pits in my face for another twenty minutes.  At 9:00 am I arrived at work just before starting time for my job as a supervisor for a brokerage firm, processing security orders and executions.

One of my clerks, Lou, was late to work again and I had to reprimand him after listening to his lame excuse.  I got into a fight with an arrogant broker who demanded I adjust the price of a trade or he would have me fired.  My boss told me if I changed the price I would be fired.  The computers went down three different times and we had to process orders manually, which pissed off several other brokers who demanded to know why we took so long to enter their orders.  Lunch sucked because I had to eat it at my desk while I fought with the traders on the floor for reports.

The afternoon was pretty much the same, another five straight hours of answering questions and arguing over the phone.  There were no breaks, there was no quiet.  Telephones and high-speed printers provided a constant noise.  I left the office at 6:00 pm and caught the Path train back to Newark.  The train had no heat, but I did get a seat next to a dude who kept falling asleep and nodding off on my shoulder.  His breath rivaled that of a St. Bernard.

The train from Newark to home was uneventful, and I was lucky enough to have a seat handle to hold on to while standing all the way to New Brunswick.  At the station I ran to the car to get out of the lot before all the other commuters jammed the exit.  Four stop lights and my usual 20 minute drive home and I walk in the back door.  At 7:45 pm I was finally home.  I made the monumental mistake of asking, “What’s for dinner?” and got an earful about what an insensitive ass I am for worrying about dinner without first asking my wife, “How was your day?” Then I heard forty minutes of how miserable her day was.

I wolfed down a cold dinner because everyone else had already eaten.  I clean up the kitchen, help two kids with their homework and yell at another for something he did while I was at work.

That was how my day was.
 
That was how my day was every day for forty years. 

Well it was not every day.  On a good day the gas filter didn’t clog and the car didn’t stall.

 

 

*SAHM – Stay at home mom (For Cranky’s friends who have yet to crawl out from under the rock.)      

Now Available- "I USED TO BE STUPID"

 

My second book "I USED TO BE STUPID" is now available at RoseDog Books

http://rosedogbooks-store.stores.yahoo.net/iustobest.html

 

Perfect for the bathroom!

 

 



 

Soon to be available at Amazon

 

Below is the Introduction and Table of Contents:

 

INTRODUCTION

W

hen I was only six years old, I looked back on my short life and

thought, a year ago I was finger painting and just learning the

alphabet; wow, I used to be stupid.

At eight years old I looked back and realized that at six I could barely even

read. Getting through “The Cat In The Hat” was a big deal; man, I used to

be stupid.

Ten years old, now I knew I was smart. Rock and roll was cool replacing sing

song kid’s music. Fractions were easy. I was going to go far. It is hard to believe

what a dumb kid I used to be. I believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and

the Tooth Fairy; no doubt, I used to be stupid. At least I was never as dumb

as the girls.

When I was thirteen I realized how far I had come. Girls were actually pretty

neat. I could stay up late, and I learned how to dress real cool. Gone was the

beezer haircut. My locks were slicked back in an ultra-hip duck tail. What a

goofy kid I used to be. I now knew it all. It was then that I realized I used to

be stupid.

Wrong again I surmised at sixteen. I now could talk to girls where at thirteen

I was a mess. I was now reading actual novels and doing real math. I would

become a famous athlete, be wealthy and the world would be mine. High

school was big time; what a jerk I used to be. It was at sixteen that I realized

my parents were almost as stupid as I used to be.

1

HagyJPagesRevisionA092512 9/25/2012 1:18 PM Page 1

Twenty years old I was a college student. There was sex, booze, parties, and

freedom to come and go as I pleased. High school kids are so immature. Yes,

I used to be stupid.

Married at twenty five, three children at thirty, what was I thinking at twenty?

Now I was an adult, working, parenting, and making real decisions. At thirty

I was smart and my parents were suddenly wise again; at twenty I used to be

stupid.

Forty six years old and what did I do with my life? I owned a house I could

not afford; I let the kids rule the roost and did not see that my wife was ready

to leave me. I guess experience was the greatest teacher. At last I had it all

together. I realized the mistakes that I made and now I was wise. I knew I

used to be stupid.

Now I am sixty four years old, looking back at a second bad marriage, bad

financial moves, mistakes made with my children, and missed opportunities in

my occupation; it has taken so long to finally become smart. Wisdom is so

hard to come by and in my wisdom I know that from forty six to sixty four, I

used to be stupid.

Have I really attained wisdom? It seems that as you grow older the period of

time during which looking back you realize that you used to be stupid, simply

grows longer. I suspect that if I live to be ninety I will look back at my current

life and think, wow, I used to be stupid.

Then again, I probably won’t remember.

Joe Hagy AKA “Cranky Old Man”

2

CONTENTS

Introduction...............................................................................................1

It Pays to Read...........................................................................................3

Cub Scouts and Gold Mining.....................................................................6

The Tooth Fairy .........................................................................................9

Driving on Ice..........................................................................................12

The New England Moth Champion of 1959 ...........................................15

White Suspenders.....................................................................................19

Cussing ....................................................................................................22

Study Hall................................................................................................25

Mike and Manny ......................................................................................28

TV Emasculation .....................................................................................31

The MGA ................................................................................................33

Nick Names .............................................................................................38

Recycling .................................................................................................41

The Name of the Game Is Football ..........................................................45

Ad I’d Like To See ...................................................................................47

Christmas Letters .....................................................................................49

Football ...................................................................................................52

Bruce Miller and the Shaving Cream War .................................................58

The Garden Hotline .................................................................................62

Fighting

     Martinize Him...................................................................................65

     Don’t Mess With the Jaker.................................................................68

     Celebrity Encounters .........................................................................71

Hitchhiking..............................................................................................75

What Does the Temperature Feel Like? ....................................................79

The USA Needs a King............................................................................82

College Graduation ..................................................................................85

HagyJPagesRevisionA092512 9/25/2012 1:18 PM Page ix

What I Learned in College .......................................................................88

Terrorism .................................................................................................90

Marriage ..................................................................................................93

The Grocery Store....................................................................................97

Wow, I Got a Color TV! ........................................................................100

It’s Behind the Mayo..............................................................................103

Cocktail Parties ......................................................................................106

Working Out..........................................................................................109

The Five Dollar Doctor..........................................................................113

Drimking ...............................................................................................116

Sleeping at the Wheel.............................................................................119

Pride Rock .............................................................................................122

Tongue Twister.......................................................................................125

Marijuana Will Make You Stupid............................................................126

Raising Kids ..........................................................................................130

Winter Holiday ......................................................................................133

Cranky ...................................................................................................136

The VW Bug .........................................................................................138

I Don’t Know Nuthin Bout Birthin no Babies........................................141

Commuting ...........................................................................................146

The Circle of Stupid ...............................................................................151

Eats........................................................................................................155

Home Improvement ..............................................................................158

Forty Years on Wall Street.......................................................................162

Divorce ..................................................................................................166

Finally Smart..........................................................................................169

CABLE THEFT - part II Cable Smable

Part Two – CABLE SMABLE

 

When we last left the Cranky Old Man, he was concerned about a pending Cable Guy check-up which might detect his three illegal hook-ups.

If you need to catch up here is part I:
http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/01/cable-theft-part-i.html?

Caught up? OK

 

Desperate to not go to jail for theft of service or to have to pay $150 plus penalties, I rushed to undo my multiple hook-ups by Tuesday…four days away.

I removed all my splitters, pulled all the now worthless cable wire and patched up all the holes leading to my extra TVs.  Paranoid about the cable cop’s inspection I even removed my extra TVs and stored them in my attic…in the back…covered with blankets.

When Tuesday came I was determined to not allow access in my home past the primary TV.  If they wanted to find proof of my TV transgression, they would have to get a search warrant.  I doubted any judge would believe that airplane-interference crap and issue a search warrant.  Still I worried.  I worried on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  On Tuesday I took a personal day from work so I could make sure the cable gurus did not find any evidence of my illegal multiple hook-ups.

Tuesday came and I waited for the cable detectives to come.  They were due between 10 and 4.  I sweated from 10 to 3:30 when a cable truck pulled up.  I waited inside for 20 minutes before the cable guy finally rang the bell.

“Mr. Hagy?”

“Yes.”

“Mr. Hagy I’m from the cable company, sorry we came so late…I think we found the signal leak we mentioned to you last Friday.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you do any digging in the back in the last year?”

“Ah…well I did put in a walk way…had to do some digging to put in the edging…”

“Well that did it.  We found a nick in the cable right by the walk.  We fixed it and your signal should be just fine now.  You were probably having issues with channels 2 and 4 right?”

“Well no,” I lied, “But thanks.”

“Gee, I’m surprised you didn’t have any reception problem, but at least were sure there won’t be any interference to airplane instruments that pass overhead.”

“Is that really a problem?”

“Not generally, but yes, it does happen.  You have a good day now.”

The cable guy did not even come into my house.  They detected a signal leak outside with some kind of instrument and repaired the leak in 20 minutes.

I checked my TV and sure enough, channel 2 and 4 now came in as crystal clear as the other 38 channels.  Two and four were also available on my other 3 sets along with channels 5, 7, 9, 11 and 13…plus a few UHF stations.  They were a bit fuzzy unless you got the rabbit-ear antennae just right.

I was not about to re-wire my other sets to cable.  Not only was I still afraid of being caught, but I sure did not want to be responsible for an airline accident.