WHERE THE F#@% IS THE F#@%ING REMOTE?
Last year we vacationed two weeks at the New Jersey shore. We stay at a small first floor apartment. It is not a luxury apartment, but it is clean, air conditioned, has room for 6 to 8 people to crash, and is fifty feet from the beach.
The apartment has a small TV with a remote. Last year the remote was lost on the first day of vacation and not found until two weeks later while we were cleaning up to leave. It was a lovely two weeks except every night I went berserk turning the place inside-out looking for the freaking remote.
Many years ago I did not need a TV remote. There were only six channels and three of them sucked. We always knew what was on without channel surfing. Saturday at eight... “All in the Family,” Thursday at nine…“The Adams Family,”…any day at eleven was the news, at eleven thirty it was the “Tonight Show.” Without checking the paper or spanning the dial, given any day and time, anyone with a TV could pretty much tell you what show was on which channel.
These days watching TV without a remote is like ordering food at a Chinese restaurant without a menu. The choices are endless and without a remote you know you are just settling and possibly missing a great show.
This year we returned to the same apartment. I made a specific rule:
WHEN DONE WITH THE REMOTE PUT IT BACK ON THE TABLE WITH THE TV!!
On the first day of vacation, my son Spencer left the black remote upside down on a black chair. I came off the beach and went for the remote. “Where the FRIG is the remote?”
“It’s in the room someplace.”
“Oh no…not this year, we are going to find that flaming flipping flooppteedooping remote TONIGHT!!
We looked and looked for forty five minutes and found nothing.
“That is it! SPENCER, you lost it, now you are the official remote. Plant yourself by the TV and when I say surf, you start changing channels. When I say volume up or volume down, you adjust the volume.”
With my new remote in place I settled down in the black chair and sat on that chameleon of a remote. Crisis averted.
The rest of the vacation the remote was placed on the top of the TV when not in use.
Could someone please design an I-phone TV remote app so when the remote goes missing I could just call it up and follow the ring!