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Monday, October 15, 2012
THAT FRIGGIN TOILET
THAT FRIGGIN TOILET
When the noisy fill hose does not stop, you can jiggle the toilet handle and sometimes that will solve the problem. Sometimes it will not solve the problem. Sometimes the only way to shut off the fill hose is to remove the top of the toilet, reach into the tank, and fidget with the flapper to stop the leak which allows the tank to fill and shuts off the FRIGGIN TOILET FILL HOSE!
Now this may not seem like a major problem given all the bad things that can happen in one’s life, but at four in the morning your perception of major problems changes. I often have cause to use the toilet at four AM as do many 66 year old men. At four AM there is a small window in which to do your business and return to bed without finding yourself wide awake. If you miss this window, your mind reels and you are subjected to several hours of tossing and turning. This tossing and turning wakes up Mrs. C., who then gets angry because you woke her up. Thus begins the tandem bedroom turn and toss.
The next day we are both tired and extra cranky. All because of that FRIGGIN TOILET!
Mrs. Cranky tells me, “Why don’t you just make sure the toilet stops running before you come back to bed?”
The toilet takes 2 minutes to fill up when it is working correctly. Two minutes seems like an eternity at four AM. Two minutes takes me beyond my fall back to sleep window. I respond to Mrs. C., “If I wait to make sure the toilet stops, it will be too late and I will not get back to sleep.”
Here comes the Mrs. Cranky quote of the year:
“The toilet never does that to me, you must not be flushing it correctly!”
I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can flush a toilet. You push down on the little chrome thingy on the side. That technique works just fine on the other two toilets in the house. It has worked successfully on every toilet (and there have been many) that I have ever used before. I am pretty sure that if the toilet does not always flush correctly it is the fault of the FRIGGIN TOILET!
I am calling a plumber in the morning. We will be getting a new toilet.
It may cost more than just a few bucks, but I am on my third marriage. It is a good one and I am damned if I will let it go down the FRIGGIN TOILET!