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Monday, October 15, 2012



Our master bathroom has a temperamental toilet.  Sometimes the tank will refill and the fill hose will shut off, and sometimes the tank will not refill and the fill hose will not shut off. 

When the noisy fill hose does not stop, you can jiggle the toilet handle and sometimes that will solve the problem.  Sometimes it will not solve the problem.  Sometimes the only way to shut off the fill hose is to remove the top of the toilet, reach into the tank, and fidget with the flapper to stop the leak which allows the tank to fill and shuts off the FRIGGIN TOILET FILL HOSE!

Now this may not seem like a major problem given all the bad things that can happen in one’s life, but at four in the morning your perception of major problems changes.  I often have cause to use the toilet at four AM as do many 66 year old men.  At four AM there is a small window in which to do your business and return to bed without finding yourself wide awake.  If you miss this window, your mind reels and you are subjected to several hours of tossing and turning.  This tossing and turning wakes up Mrs. C., who then gets angry because you woke her up. Thus begins the tandem bedroom turn and toss.

The next day we are both tired and extra cranky.  All because of that FRIGGIN TOILET!

Mrs. Cranky tells me, “Why don’t you just make sure the toilet stops running before you come back to bed?”

The toilet takes 2 minutes to fill up when it is working correctly.  Two minutes seems like an eternity at four AM.  Two minutes takes me beyond my fall back to sleep window.  I respond to Mrs. C., “If I wait to make sure the toilet stops, it will be too late and I will not get back to sleep.”

Here comes the Mrs. Cranky quote of the year:

“The toilet never does that to me, you must not be flushing it correctly!”

I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can flush a toilet.  You push down on the little chrome thingy on the side.  That technique works just fine on the other two toilets in the house.  It has worked successfully on every toilet (and there have been many) that I have ever used before.  I am pretty sure that if the toilet does not always flush correctly it is the fault of the FRIGGIN TOILET!

I am calling a plumber in the morning.  We will be getting a new toilet.

It may cost more than just a few bucks, but I am on my third marriage.  It is a good one and I am damned if I will let it go down the FRIGGIN TOILET!    


  1. I hope the plumber checks first to be sure you don't need only a new flapper gizmo. The cost difference would make a nice night out with Mrs. Cranky.

  2. Why is it that only women are born with an innate knowledge of how to work these complicated appliances?

  3. Nothin like getting angry at a
    Friggin Toilet which transfers to that Slacker Flusher at 4 a.m. to ruin what's left of a crummy night's sleep.

    Love the similarity between Jeff Dunham's Walter and our illustrious VP!

  4. Had a plumber here the other day because of a partially blocked toilet drain
    He quoted me $650 - $800 to replace the toilet
    Now that's a FRIGGIN TOILET

  5. Get a dual flush flapper installed. That way it takes only half the time to fill...since it only used up half the tank water. That's of course if you only did #1 :)

  6. You can get a new low-flow toilet that will fill in 15 seconds. They cost under $200 retail. And with the water you'll save, depending on water rates in your area, you can make up that $200 in only about 450 years. ;)


  7. Cranky you should know by now that technology works differently for men and women.

    The toilet obviously just doesn't like you, and it likes Mrs C....Either that or you are imagining the whole thing because it is 4am and you are really asleep!

    Seriously though - get the inside gizmo checked rather than buying a new toilet - could save you a small fortune!

    Lou :-)

  8. Seriously...why do you even flush the toilet at 4:00 in the morning? Haven't you ever heard of "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down?" In THIS house, flushing the toilet at "o'dark-thirty" is NOT a common practice. It could wake a sleeping toddler or an infant - or worse, it could wake DAD! It's simply not worth the risk. Nope, those who pee in the middle of the night in this house do not flush. It waits until morning.

  9. Have to agree with Katrina on this one - that is what happens in our house. A is under threat of death if he flushes the toilet during the night unless absolutely necessary because to wake me with that is not a good idea !!! While he isn't 66 he is getting there and he too seems to be up and down during the night to go to the loo.
    Hope you managed to get it fixed without having to replace the whole thing.
    Have a great day !

  10. Love it! I've managed to train myself to get up at night and pee without waking up, except for that one time when I just dreamed I 'd gotten up. Anyway, a running toilet screws everything up. I can totally sympathize with you.

  11. You don't need a plumber - or a new toilet. Just take the top off and clean the flap and the pottery where it seals. Something is stopping it seating properly.

    It wouldn't happen in the UK because we use a syphon system rather than those flaps.

  12. A new flapper will most likely solve your problem, but I say the price of a plumber and a new toilet is cheap compared to losing a good marriage over a flapper that sticks.

  13. Lol... Ya... You're probably not doing it right ;)

  14. Well, you have surely made me laugh! Good luck, Cranky!

  15. Our upstairs toilet does the same thing. It's very temperamental. We resolved that issue by just nor flushing overnight.