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Friday, June 19, 2015


There is something about a trip to the supermarket that almost always gets me in trouble. 

Generally it is the ladies that refuse to mind their carts.  They always find a way to block the aisle I want to use, and hemming and hawing does not get their attention. I suppose I could nicely ask them to move their cart, but I just feel as they should be aware and look out for other shoppers.  To me it is an act of aggression to block the aisle and I should not have to point it out to them.  Instead I try to sneak by and fail, rattling their cart or their backside and then mumbling an apology.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see your cart, I guess I just didn’t expect to see a cart unattended in the middle of the aisle.”

The other activity that gets my blood boiling is the coupon ladies.  Why do I always get in the checkout lane behind a coupon lady?  They pull out a fist full of coupons and then proceed to argue over half of them.

“Expired?  Are you sure?”

“If it is good for the 24 oz bottle it should be good for the 12 oz. also.”

“Please call the manager; it should be interchangeable between brands.”

Today I ran into a new battle at the 15 item or less line.  Oh I’ve had some battles here as well.  I always count the number of items the person ahead of me is purchasing.  If there are 16 items it pisses me off, though I seldom say anything.  I might mumble or cough “sixahemteen.” And I don’t count three identical items as one, that is bull shit.  Three items is three items.

Anyway, today I encountered a new 15 item or less battle.

At my Shop-Rite there are two 15 item or less lanes.  The lanes are not separated into distinct lanes, and it is easy to jump from cashier to cashier.  Now to me, you should choose a line to a specific cashier.  If one line happens to move faster than another and you pick the wrong line…too bad.

Apparently the tradition at this market is to form one line and then move to whichever cashier finishes with a customer, much like the snake line at a bank. 

Today I am was line with three items, eggs, bacon and yogurt.  In front of me was an old bald dude with a strange accent and behind him is a dude with neck to ankle tattoos, a Duck Dynasty beard, spaghetti arms and one of those size 32 inch waists that still has the beer belly bulge.
Tattoo Dude was arguing with Foreign Man because he wanted Foreign Man to choose a lane.  Foreign Man was trying to explain the lane protocol, and Tattoo Dude was having none of it.

The argument started to get heated and Tattoo Man turned to me for support.

“He gotta pick a line right?”

“Well I’ve been here before and that is how they usually do it; personally I don’t give a damn.”
Tattoo Man is now pissed off at me.

“Are you kidding me, you siding with this fool?  Are you an idiot too?”

I might have changed my tune and agreed with Tattoo Man, but his spaghetti arms and pot belly told me his bluster had no backing.
“You know what, it’s like I said I really don’t give a crap, but I gotta tell you, if I was looking to get into a friggin fight today I would have gone to a biker bar, not a sissy-ass Shop-Rite.”

At this point, a cashier freed up, and Foreign Man moved up to check out.  Tattoo Dude moved behind the person at the other cashier and I fell in behind Foreign Man.
Tattoo Dude turned his attention to Foreign Man and mumbled a lot of smack; Foreign Man stood his ground and answered back with what sounded like gibberish.

I couldn’t help myself as the potential altercation seemed to be averted and I pointed out to Tattoo Dude,
“By the way your three cans of tuna count don’t count as one; you’re in line with sixteen items.”

Hey, you can’t be a wimp and at Shop-Rite.


  1. I often worked the twelve items or less checkout and if I had no one waiting I'd call over someone from a regular line, even with a full to overflowing trolley; we're allowed to do that, then if someone else gets in line with just a few items, that's too bad. I was a speedy worker anyway and could process a full trolley in about three minutes. It helps that we don't have the coupons here in Australia.

  2. They should ban coupons and reduce the prices. They should also ban people like the Tattoo Dude. Oh, if only I had my way.....

  3. Since I'm a new reader, I have to ask . . . Did you really have that conversation with Tattoo Dude and he had no response to your biker bar/sissy ass comment?

    I hate all the things you mentioned (plus bluetoothers!). My biggest peeve are people who write checks and then the light gets turned on and you wait around for an 18 Yr old manager to mosey over and approve it.

  4. I hate it when I'm in the regular line with my full cart, waiting patiently as the person in front is finishing up. And some guy with three items comes up and gives me the Puss 'n Boots look I am going to let him go in front of me. Wrong! he might as well do some more shoppin', 'cause I'm gonna be here a while.They have special lanes for people in a hurry. I might write a check too.

  5. My goodness. I don't often prescribe prilosec and meditation, but take 2 of each and call my office in the morning.
    Oh, and one of those football mouthguards for teeth grinding.......

  6. Don't forget the check writers. There are still those old ladies or men that write a check and by God they won't start writing until the clerk has rang every single item up. Bless their hearts. All these things get to me. Going shopping can make your blood boil.

    Have a fabulous day and weekend. ☺

  7. and that is why I like self check out lines for just a few items. I always pick wrong if we have choice of cashiers. What I think will be a short ring up usually is the ring up from hell, call the manager, go and check this price, etc. I've learned patience in grocery stores and also learned gratitude; at least I have money to buy such groceries :)


  8. One of the joys of retirement: I have nowhere to go and all the time in the world to get there. So I just relax and enjoy the things that drive you mad in the grocery store.

  9. glad you know who to pick your battles with. to whom with which to pick your battles. harumph...

  10. Frankly, my have a mouth writing checks that I hope your non-scrawny arms can cash. These tattooed, spaghetti-armed, Duck-Dynasty-bearded, beer-bellied folks are my people, and they are crazier that crap-house rats!

    How about when you try to get around the cart the ladies have abandoned in the middle of the aisle, and they turn around and give you the stinkeye and rush over like you're going to steal their purse?

  11. This is why i try to get all of my shopping done before 8am. Many of the places i go are 24-hour or open at 6am, so i can get out before any of these people show up!

  12. I feel your pain...I have one super power and sadly, my super power is to pick the wrong line in the grocery store. I really should get a T-shirt that says Don't get in line behind me.

    However, I make up for lost time by skipping those "checkers" at the exit at Sam's Club. I breezily and cheerfully walk right past the long line waiting to leave the store and the employee checking their receipts while chatting with a long-lost friend from kindergarten. "'m...we need to check your ticket!" - "No thank you, I checked it myself!"

  13. You're dancin' with the devil dude. People at grocery stores will cut you faster than you can say express lane.

  14. This is ne well-written funny post.
    Sissy-ass shop rite, huh? I hear they've been known to be plenty tough, too. You gotta mind your mouth or you end up in the back getting a swirley. Maybe the biker bar would have been safer. LOL

  15. You're living dangerously. Road rage can happen in a check-out line as easily as it can on the road.

  16. ROFLMAO! This is hilarious! My personal peeve is bumbling older men who know there will be hell to pay if they don't come home with EXACTLY what wifey wrote on the list. Their hands shake with fear and they plant themselves and block traffic just as bad as your ladies do. I've often thought there should be an "old men only" night for a couple hours - and that's the ONLY time they can get in!