PAROCHIAL DIRECTIONS
Several
years ago, while still married to Mrs. Wife #2, we went on vacation to Kauai
Hawaii. The flight out took about twelve
hours and by the time we landed at the airport we were well past travel weary. We rented a car and were assured the hotel
where we were booked was less than twenty minutes away.
The
rent-a-car lady, a local, gave us directions to the hotel.
“Take the
main highway east, and look for a left turn at Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive*. Drive two miles and then turn right at
Lookeymakooky Way, and the hotel will be on your left. Can’t miss it!
We packed
our luggage and easily found the main highway east. As we past every possible left hand turn we
looked for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
Surely it was impossible to miss a sign for Kawanakeelookyfishducky
Drive. Thirty miles later it was quite
evident that we did in fact miss Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
Mrs. Wife #2
was not good with missed directions on a normal day. After a twelve hour flight her head started
to spin and she was hacking out green “exorcist-like” sputum. I hated when she did
that.
We called
the hotel and they confirmed that we missed the turn for
Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive. They gave
us directions to back track and we did in fact find the hotel thirty minutes
later.
While
unpacking the car it soon became apparent that I had left a dress bag at the
airport…more head spinning and green sputum spitting ensued.
The next
morning after being called every name in the book and a few which would require
an addendum to “The Book,” I set out to the airport to recover the forgotten
bag.
On the way I
was determined to find where I missed the turn off to Kawanakeelookyfishducky
Drive. It did not take long. With my eyeballs refreshed from resting after
the twelve hour flight (my eyes were rested, but I did wake up with a new
asshole; one of many new assholes Mrs. Wife #2 ripped for me during our fourteen
years of marriage) I spotted Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
Kawanakeelookyfishducky
Drive was clearly marked on a three inch by fourteen inch sign which was
hanging under a two foot by five foot sign which identified ROUTE 35 as the other name for Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive.
I
kinda wished that local Kauai car rental clerk might have mentioned that
Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive was also known as ROUTE 35 !!
It
might have saved me some head spinning, green sputum spitting name calling, and let me keep my old asshole.
*A post by
that fabulous blogger, fishducky http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ , reminded me of this story.
What a fun post! I love Hawaii, by the way. Went there in April for my daughter's wedding.
ReplyDeleteRetaining one's original asshole is paramount.
ReplyDelete:-)
Pearl
You crack me up. How many a&&holes did you ex number 2 take from you?
ReplyDeleteI am honored! I have been many things--most of them unprintable--but I've never been a reference (or an asterisk) before!!
ReplyDeleteRoads here in Portland often have multiple names and it can really be confusing giving people directions. Maybe this is why we don't get much company.
ReplyDeleteHow on earth could you get lost on Kauai? It's an island and a little round one at that! Just keep driving and you'll eventually arrive where you started...all assholes intact :)
ReplyDeleteMy dad used to try and give me directions like that. I'd listen, nod, smile....then go get a map and figure it out myself.
ReplyDeleteHow many new assholes did #2 rip for you? I'm thinking you could make a darn good living as a freak show attraction.
S
What is it with Hawaii and twenty syllable street names all starting with K? Sure does confuse the haoles and probably gives the islanders a great laugh.
ReplyDeleteRoute 35--that's too easy.
Did you leave #2 on Kawanakeelookyfishducky Drive and tell her family to just look for the sign?
ReplyDeleteI was laughing so hard through this one! As soon as I saw the fishducky drive part I knew that woman was involved somehow. Well done my friend and although you mav have acquired a new a hole it was sure could for a chuckle!
ReplyDeleteand just think, after all that he still refuses to learn how to read a map! i wont get into the episode this past weekend ....
ReplyDeleteWe had our honeymoon on Kauai and got lost the first night trying to find our condo too. Yeah, it's a round island but after 9 hours on a plane we didn't want to spend the entire night driving in circles rather than climbing into a nice soft bed.
ReplyDeleteGorgeous place though. We loved it and hope to go back someday.