THE CRANKY OLD MAN
Random thoughts and stuff from a cranky old man. Humor (maybe), satire, and some politics, mostly stuff from a confused head.
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
EXPLAINING MY PROUD CULTURE
EXPLAINING MY PROUD
election has convinced me, much to my disappointment, that this country is
still not ready to accept racial and cultural differences.As a member of a new minority this concerns
me greatly.I think much of the problem
is that people just do not understand my culture and its traditions.I will attempt here to explain my culture and
its traditions in the hopes it will promote greater understanding and
right, Cranky is a WASP!
Cranky's baby spoon...unashamedly born with a silver spoon in my mouth!
I will hide
my heritage no longer.I am proud to be
a WASP.Oh sure there was that little
thing about slavery, but I did some research and it turns out that none of my
relatives ever owned other people.Some may
have been nasty bastards that took advantage of people of lesser means, but
there is no proof of that.
I often read
about the difficulty and hardships that people of non-WASP heritage had to
endure growing up; well let me tell you, growing up WASP was not a picnic.
At age four
I was forced to ride a pony.At age ten
I was forced to learn how to sail a boat…by myself…alone! I had to know the
difference between a sloop and a ketch; I had to know how to tie a bowline, a
half-hitch, a figure-eight and other nautical knots.I had to know how to spell yacht, and learn
what red-right-return meant.
I have been subjected to numerous
hurtful WASP stereotypes:
All WASPs do
not tie the arms of their sweaters around their neck.If you see someone who does this, he is a
WASP, but all WASPs do not do this.
have thin lips…ok this one is true but it is still hurtful to point it out.
All old WASP
men say “Harrumph” a lot. Once again, if
an old man says “Harrumph” he is a WASP, but many old WASP men do not say
are not rich; some are just comfortable.
are not named Biff, Buffy, Mitt or Trey.If someone has one of these names, he is a WASP, but all WASPs do not
have these names.
I had to endure several WASP rules
not show emotion.
for women only and then only in private.
be behind closed doors.
unnecessary as long as you can say gosh darn, gol dang, crummy buttons, dang,
cheese and rice, shoot or flip, there is no need to curse (WASPs do not say
laugh, but knee slapping is frowned upon.Women must hide their mouth and feign embarrassment if they dare to
burp or fart.
fart, but it will be called breaking wind, and it is never acknowledged by
WASPs do not
cry at funerals. They sniff and dab at their eyes.Anything else is considered undignified.
traditionally prefer bland food; flavor may trigger emotion.
children are not brats…they are precocious.
never wrong…we are misinformed.
WASPs have a special affection for
silver.Silver is elegant, gold is
“showy.” Silver is especially important at the dinner table.Every setting has several different forks,everyone has a butter knife and there is an
array of special silver utensils like a tiny fork for stabbing olives, a giant
round knife just for that Thanksgiving cranberry log, and of course a silver
Important WASP utensils Cake cutter not included...I think my brother got it.
WASP silver is the small silver salt bowl…with a cobalt blue glass insert.A tiny salt spoon held between the thumb and
middle finger, and tapped by the index finger distributes the salt.It takes the average WASP years of practice to
master this technique.
WASP salt distriburion tools
WASPs love antique furniture. Holidays at a WASP house smell of turkey, silver polish and furniture polish.
WASPs do not
get drunk…we get inebriated.
I would tell
you about WASPs and sex, but I am a WASP.
are good people.We have a heart, we go
to church, we give to charity, and we are honest and hardworking.We love our family, and we love our country.
Kind of like
I hope some
of these rules and traditions have helped you to better understand my
culture.I am a WASP.I am proud to be a WASP.Someday maybe non-WASP people will learn to
be tolerant of our traditions.