CRANKY DRESS EXPERTISE
Followers of this blog probably know that this cranky old man knows a lot about wedding dresses. That’s right; I am in touch with my feminine side. I know about wedding dresses because Mrs. C watches a TV show “Say Yes To the Dress.” Mrs. C allows me to watch golf and football without complaining, so I endure “Say Yes To The Dress.”
I know all about dresses, “ruching,” “crumb catchers,” “Princess Dress,” “Mermaid style,” I know them all. I’m not sure about what a “beaded bodice” is, but I love to say it. Beaded bodice...Beaded bodice.
There are a couple of terms I’ll never understand. They have been explained to me, but I still don’t get it. “Couture” and “fashion forward.”
I think these are just terms designers use to keep you off balance and make you feel inferior. It is like in the “Emperors’ New Clothes” nobody really knows what these terms mean, but no one wants to admit it.
Couture has been explained to me as classy, unique and not cheap. Hmmm…classy is in the eye of the beholder, and in fashion if unique is popular it will soon be mass produced and sold at a less expensive price, so couture really just means “EXPENSIVE.” When someone says, "I want something a little more couture," what they are really asking for is something that looks more expensive.
“Fashion Forward” is a design that is different and is pushing the direction of where the next big fashion statement is going.
What a bunch of gobble-dee-gook!
How do you know something is “fashion forward” until the next fashion statement arrives?” You can look back on a dress and say "That was fashion forward," or you can realize it was a piece of crap that no one would ever want to imitate. You might as well just say, "I want something that is the future of design...whatever that will be."
Like I said; gobble-dee-gook!
One thing I have learned from this show; Brides…do not bring your gay friend to help pick out a dress.
The gay friend does not give a dang about what you want, he is just fulfilling a gay dream at your expense. This is his chance to exert his gay card and he is determined to go to the wedding and tell everyone, “I picked out the dress; you should have seen the hideous thing she wanted before I pointed out how dreadful it was!”
The gay friend will put the kibosh on anything the bride picks out by planting an image that ruins any choice the bride might like.
“Oh honey, it looks like some fluff just threw up all over it.” Or “Attention K-Mart shoppers!” Or “I’m sure all the Grandma’s will love it.”
The gay friend always wants bling, wow factor and ka-pow, but he wants his bling, his wow factor and his ka-pow…whatever the heck bling, wow factor and ka-pow is.
Enough of this fashion banter and my feminine side. While I was writing this I have consumed several cans of a very masculine brand of beer.
I must excuse myself to go sit down and pee.