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Monday, February 25, 2013

I COULD KICK HIS ASS!! - a Cranky re-run


A Cranky Monday re-run
One of my favorites from August 2011...enjoy

The other day my wife introduced me to one of her friend’s husbands. Nice guy, twenty years younger than me, in good shape, my size maybe bigger, happily married and no threat to me in any way; and yet as I was shaking his hand what thought was going through my head? I COULD KICK HIS ASS! It dawned on me how ridiculous was this thought.

I am not a violent person. I have been in two fights in my life, and both of them were when I was in the 6th grade, and yet I realized my first thought when I meet a new person of my gender is whether or not I could beat him in a fight. Do all men do that? Why do we do that? Why do I almost always think that I would win a fight even though at my age I pull a muscle if I get out of bed too fast?

There must be something deep down in our DNA which automatically seeks to defend our women or property from an intruder. Something which forces us to size up a potential aggressor and determine that if push comes to shove we need to run or I COULD KICK HIS ASS!

Most of the questions we ask someone we just meet are all part of the sizing up process.

“What do you do?” “Who do you like this year in the NFL?” “Did you play ball in school?” “Do you work out?” “How much can you bench?”

Why does a non-violent person such as myself, someone who would walk away rather than wail away, still feel the need to size up every male’s ability to win or lose in a fight?

Do women have a similar response when introduced to new members of their gender? What is the female version of I COULD KICK HIS ASS?

Come on ladies, fess up. Is your first reaction “I could win her man?” Do you size up your looks against this interloper? Do you think “I could outsmart her?” What questions do you first ask someone?

“Are you married?” “Do you have children?” “What kind of work do you do?” “Where did you go to school?” “Where do you live?” “Is that your car out front?”

Does everyone try to size up new acquaintances before they decide to be friendly or not?

Maybe it’s just me.

So what!



  1. I learned a long time ago that I am not like most my first thought is checking out her face, maybe her hair, how she dresses and then I want to know what she likes and dislikes. Are we in sync philosophically. Where is our common ground. Once I know her well enough I might be interested in our uncommon ground.

  2. Seems to me as long as the first thing you think when meeting a woman is, "could I get in her pants", you're OK. Just stay away from guns.

  3. I hate to admit it but I always compare my body to hers and probably boobs first. If my boobs are better, I typically don't feel threatened. If hers are better, she's a real cow! (Gosh we are so shallow)

  4. A fun post. I don't think I size other guys up this way since I probably couldn't beat up many people. It takes a lot for me to reach my boiling point and I've only been in one or two fights, like you back when I was a kid.

  5. thanks for the laughs. i'm not gonna spill about women's thoughts.

  6. We all do it Joe, we just dont always admit to it. I probably compare looks, very shallow I know but honest.

  7. You're not the only guy I know who admits to this.

    And I would never let you in on what women think. :-) You lose your license that way, I hear.


  8. We are more primitive than we want to believe. :-)

    Not sure about other women, but I am always sizing people up on a "Can I trust you?" basis, rather than comeptitive.

  9. Having a much younger wife will enable you to overlook a lot of things that you might have once envied. ;)


  10. My friend, I am your age, and I do see the pasture in the far distance. However, even though I was a kickboxer, a martial arts instructor, and continue to practice several different disciplines, I would run away from a fight in a heartbeat. I would have to be cornered and left with no choices. There is no honor in violence.

    That said, it is normal for guys our age because in our day things were settled on the playground with fists, not guns. That defensive posture stays with you throughout your life, especially if your were not the school bully. Make love, not war.

  11. The only time I ever wanted to kick some random butt was at a casino a few years back. And it was not even another woman, but a frat rat dude who breezed by my slot machine and tried to PULL MY CRANK!

    Well, he might as well have waved a red cape at a cranky bull. I'm sure I could have taken that drunken idiot.

  12. I can't think of a time when I've sized up another chick upon meeting... except when meeting my best guy friends' prospects.. then it's more like "I will kick your ass if you break his heart!"

    But I don't really have guy friends anymore... probably because upon meeting my husband he gave them the "I could kick your ass" vibe haha

  13. I'm such a great guy nobody would want to kick my ass. Anyway, I hope I can outrun you.