I’VE GOT AN IDEA, BODY ART! - a cranky re-run

I’VE GOT AN IDEA, BODY ART!

This re-run is from August 2012.  Some commenters found it to be Misogynistic.  It just goes to show you that women do not understand sarcasm.

When I was a child it was common to make fun of the strange customs of other cultures.  In China they bound young girls feet so they wouldn’t grow.  How crazy is that?  In some African cultures they used rings to stretch the necks of their young girls.  Some tribes put plates in women’s lips…always an attractive look; and what virile young man would not want to show off by adding a bone through their nose?

How silly, how backward, how strange we thought once upon a time.  Yet our culture today is every bit as silly and even more backward, and strange.

EXAMPLES:

I’ll see your plates in the lips and raise you lip injections. Doesn’t everyone want to look like a duck?

Bind your feet?  We got anorexia, what young girl wouldn’t look more attractive if they could only lose five more pounds?

Bone through the nose?  We have nose rings, tongue studs (alwas bawy attwaktive.)  Want more?  How about toe rings, ear rings, nipple rings, belly-button rings, vagina rings, and penis (shudder) rings?

Not enough?  We have breast implants, butt lifts, penis enlargement, nose jobs, grills, and tattoos.  Yes tattoos because we can’t have enough permanent shit painted on our body. 

Mrs. C. wanted me to get a tattoo.  I almost got the New York Yankee “NY” permanently affixed to my left bicep until I realized that would be the new initials of my first ex-wife.

In what universe do people think earlobes stretched to your shoulders is a good look?  I have never had anyone elbow me and say, “Hey Dude, check out those earlobes.  Damn they are HOT!”

Face lift?  Would you rather look like a mature woman or catwoman?

Why are black people bleaching their skin white while white people are risking skin cancer in the sun trying to be black?

Here is a really good idea.  Squirt poison in your face to reduce wrinkles and gain that always attractive porcelain smooth no expression-ever look.  And just to keep it in place, squirt that poison in every four months.

I can understand a little plastic surgery for actors and actresses whose living often is dictated by their looks, but women do you know:

If your husband found you attractive when you married, he probably still finds you attractive as you age.  Well…most men.

Beauty is skin deep.  Body art, surgery and ornamental attachments do not make you attractive.

You want to be more attractive? 

Lose some weight (or gain some weight) it’s healthy. 

Men…get a job, a car, and move out of your parent’s house.

Women…read a book.

Men…take a bath, wash your hair and brush your teeth.

Women…smile and stop complaining.

Men…open doors, pull out a chair, and learn how to give a sincere compliment.

Women…say thank you, and act like a Lady…oh…and show some cleavage for God sake!

SURBURBAN NAZIs

SURBURBAN NAZIs

A long-winded cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little expertise on the subject opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome but will be ignored.  Mean spirited opinions will be deleted.  As always, please, no name calling…and that means you, you big stupid head!

A lady in New Jersey was recently exonerated from a charge of child abuse after fighting it in the courts for six years.  This lady had an 18 month old child asleep in a car seat when she ran into a convenience store to make a quick purchase.  She left the car running which was pretty stupid whether she had a child asleep in a car seat or not, but this was in a low (practically non-existent) crime area.  When she came out, a police car was waiting and she was charged with child abuse.

Before you comment, I know car theft happens and leaving a child in a running car is careless.  On a hot day, children can become dehydrated and die if left in an unventilated car.  There are many, many, instances where leaving a child unattended in a car is so careless that it could indeed be considered child abuse.  However there are also many, many instances where it is perfectly safe and reasonable.

 If you ever had a child who would not go to sleep, who cried uncontrollably for several hours and then fell asleep in a car seat when you left the house for a bottle of milk, you understand leaving the child in the car while you run into a Quick Check for a two minute purchase.

Apparently until recently, in New Jersey this meant you were automatically guilty of child abuse.  No questions asked.  No excuses.  You perhaps would have your child taken away to be raised in a foster home…like there is never serious abuse in a foster home, or like being pulled from his mother does not seriously affect any child negatively.

Fortunately the New Jersey Supreme Court has amended the law to be interpreted as leaving a child unattended MIGHT, in certain circumstances, be considered child abuse.

See, my issue with any of these across-the-board law interpretations is the many self serving, self appointed, holier…better than thou, busy bodies out there who just go looking for shit to complain about.  The local Mrs. Kravitz (TV’s “Bewitched”) of which every neighborhood has at least one, just waiting to dial 911 for any perceived indiscretion.

There is one in our townhouse community.  I don’t know who she is, but I know her from her signs.  She leaves laminated signs at the post drop telling all the residents how to behave.

“REMINDER…There is no alcohol allowed in the pool area.”

I have been going to this pool several days a week in the summer for five years now and have never…EVER…seen anyone with as much as a can of beer.  Why the sign, and why the seven (yes I counted them) signs declaring the same thing within the pool area?

“RERMINDER…When you collect your mail, please do not sort through it while in your car.  There are people behind you waiting to get their mail.”

REALLY?  Well then the people behind me should haul their fat ass out of the car and walk the five yards up to the mail boxes and stop worrying about how other people choose to check their mail. BITCH!

Today there was a new sign:

“REMINDER… (With a picture of a dumped garbage can) Please leave your garbage out on pick up day properly covered!”

Well, thank you so much for your concern.  In five years I have never seen a garbage can tipped over and spilling out garbage, but we do have raccoons, foxes, and other creatures…maybe even your dog, that are occasionally very good at garbage can tipping, so yeah, it is possible.

My neighbor in a previous home had two small children and she appointed herself as the traffic control officer because she was afraid for her children.  She even clocked cars with a radar gun and reported speeders to the local police.  The police had to tell her to stop. I drove by her house today, and she still has signs out telling cars to slow down because her children are at play…Her children are in high school! Teach them how to cross a street for Christmas sake!

Where was I? 

Oh yeah, don’t leave a child unattended in your car, but laws should have an element of common sense and not be cut and dry. Unless, of course, you want to live your life with ex-high school hall monitors like Mrs. Kravitz peeping at you from their holier than thou windows ready to report you for littering, getting your morning newspaper in your bathrobe, spitting on the sidewalk, or leaving your child asleep in the car seat while you bring in the groceries.

The preceding way too long-winded opinion was from a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

GOLFING DETOUR

GOLFING DETOUR

Today it was back to the golf course to play nine holes.  I could play all eighteen holes, but I would be wiped out and suck on the back nine, so playing just nine holes is fine.  I walk, dragging my clubs on a cart so it is still pretty good exercise. 

On my way to the course I was plotting how I would bust Ernie the dick’s chops (see http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2015/08/no-chipping.html ). I figured since he made such a big deal out of not allowing practice chipping behind the first tee where there is no sign saying practice chipping was not allowed, that I would make a point of asking if it was ok to practice chipping behind the first tee.  I was then going to ask why not, then ask why there was no sign, and then ask if it was necessary to be a dick when you tell people that you are not allowed to practice where there is no sign saying you could not practice.

That was my plan, but then I started thinking that one, Ernie is probably too stupid to get that I would be just busting his chops, two, I was not sure I could positively identify Ernie as half the dudes working the course are old fat short dudes with a slight limp, and finally I realized I would only get my own juices boiling and that is not conducive to playing golf.  The game requires a relaxed mentality.

So fuck Ernie, let’s just go play golf, nice and relaxed. 

The course is about twenty minutes from my house.  After nineteen minutes of driving, and less than three hundred yards from the course entrance, I ran into a “Road Closed, Detour” sign and a cop car blocking the way.

This course is in one of the few parts of central Jersey that is actually somewhat farm like.  The detour to the course was east eight miles, north five miles, west eight miles and south five miles.  It took me an extra forty minutes to get to the course. 

When I finally got there I saw the road work that sent me on this cross country trip.  The road crew was repairing a five by ten foot section in one lane of the road.  There were three people working on the hole and four people watching, plus two cops and a cop car not to mention the cop and car three hundred yards down the road.  The road by the way is not heavily traveled. 

Now I was pissed again.  It took me forty minutes of driving because this crew could not station traffic controllers to direct traffic safely past the five by ten section of road under repair.  Hell, the detour signs alone must have taken them an hour to put up and probably would take another hour to take them down.

So without getting into tiff with Ernie the dick, I was still not in a relaxed frame of mind.

I called Mrs. Cranky and let off steam about the detour.  She listened patiently and added the appropriate “Wow” and “Oh my” and “That’s just ridiculous” until I was calmed down and ready to play.

Hey, what are wives for?  Well lots, but listening and not calling me a jerk for complaining about my rough life because my golf was delayed forty minutes is certainly one very good trait.

Anyway, I played my best nine holes in several years.