STUPID HEADLINES 083114

STUPID HEADLINES 083114

It is time once again for

Don't you just hate when that happens?

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

 

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo.  'None of the above' may be a correct answer.

 

________________________________

Lesbians Outdo Straight Women on Orgasms – Sure, but are they counting quantity, or speed?

Rare creature shocks neighbors – It was early morning, I didn’t think anyone was up yet.

United Airlines seat recliner scrum leads to early landing – That friggin guy sits in front of me on every flight!

Justin Bieber Under Investigation For Attempted Robbery – Concert goers file complaint after performance.

Southwest Airlines apologizes after losing elderly woman – Hey, it happens!

WHO shuts Sierra Leone lab after worker infected with Ebola – What? I don’t know.  Third base!

One in three Mexicans want to migrate to the US – The other two are already here.

Researchers tripping seniors on purpose to stop future falls – Sure, if you cripple them now they won’t be able to fall later.

Benihana sued by woman who claims improperly prepared fish made her ill – This is too easy… “She sues over sushi!”

Chelsea Clinton leaving NBC News role – This is the first I’ve heard that she had a role…Apparently $600,000 per year since 2011…pretty good gig I’d say.

Rep. Peter King slams Obama for tan suit. – Hmmm the economy, Ukraine, Gaza, ISIS, Illegal immigration…fuck that, did you see what the President was wearing?

Woman Discovers Her Cat Is Cheating On Her – Also too easy and sadly groan worthy, but here it comes…you knew it would… “What, the cat is a Cheetah?”

___________________________

Last week’s fake headline was:

Man gives up smoking for a year to win $1000 bet, celebrates by buying a pack and lighting up – I’m guessing he may have cheated just a little.

And the winners are:

Joanne Noragon

I thought about you when I read about the 101 year old man working in New Jersey.
Anyway, I'm going with the smoker who quit--not. I once quit smoking so my boss would give me a raise. Then I lit up again. No logical connection here,  I'm just guessing the bet had some built in's.

Joanne is almost as hard to fool as Sandee.  Visit Joanne for Photos, stories and just plain interesting stuff…no, really, check out her posts @ http://cuponthebus.blogspot.com/

Sandee

There are two that could be wrong. The flying microwave and the stop smoking one. So, I'll guess the Man gives up smoking for a year to win $1000 bet, celebrates by buying a pack and lighting up.

Have a fabulous Silly Sunday. :)

This is getting ridiculous; I may have to suspend Sandee for winning too often and for accurately analyzing her answers in her comment. Oh well, she does have funny stuff @ http://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ and don’t miss her “Silly Sunday” blog hop.

 

VISIT AND CONGRATULATE THE WINNERS, AND COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MORE

 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

E-Cigarettes Bad?

E-Cigarettes Bad?

 

A Cranky Opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with minimal knowledge of the subject opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome.  They are wrong, but welcome.  As always, please, no name calling, and that goes for you, you big stupid-head!

 

I have read several news stories of various groups wanting to ban e-cigarette use indoors, to restrict sales, and to heavily tax their use.  They are claiming that e-cigarettes are a gateway drug to smoking which is a gateway drug to pot which is a gateway drug to crack which is really bad stuff.  They claim e-cigarettes are targeting young people.  They claim that e-cigarette vapor contains toxic chemicals and traces of nicotine.  All of this sounds really bad.

I disagree on the gateway drug status.  Cigarettes are addicting and horrible for your health.  Cigarettes bad! But e-cigarettes a gateway drug?  They are a replacement to cigarettes, and probably harmful, but not as harmful as cigarettes.  I think the ultimate gateway drug is library paste.  Everyone I ever knew who ate library paste in kindergarten ended up smoking cigarettes and ultimately ended up as crack addicts.  Ban library paste.  Library paste bad!

If the e-cigarette people are targeting young people, stop it.  The product does have nicotine and nicotine bad! 

Does the e-cigarette vapor contain toxic chemicals and traces of nicotine?  Maybe, though the chemicals are not named.  I would like to see people with colds or the flu being banned from exhaling indoors.  I would rather live in e-cigarette vapor than take a single whiff of cold or flu phlegm.

E-cigarettes are not good for you.  Neither are nicotine gums or nicotine patches.  They do help people quit smoking.  They helped me quit smoking.  The patch sucked.  The gum sucked.  The e-cigarette allowed me to quit cold turkey and if I was about to hit the wall I could take a little drag to help me get by.  Without it I might have bummed a butt and then broken down and bought a pack and once you do that you are done; cold turkey fail.  The e-cigarettes are a crutch when you try and quit.

I am sure there are people who use the e-cigarette that have never smoked a cigarette.  I have never known one, but they must exist.  Everyone I have ever known to try the e-cigarette did so to replace the real thing.

I just have this sneaky feeling that the people who are disgusted with cigarettes see the e-cigarette as a “loop-hole” to traditional smoking and they don’t like it.  They want smokers to quit and suffer.  They feel smokers deserve to suffer.  They must not be allowed an alternative.  E-cigarettes bad!

Are they bad?  Probably, but they are less bad, and they do not affect other people.  Can you just throw smokers a bone?  I know we all love to hate smokers, but there are other people and products to hate.

Hate sugar and sugar substitutes.  Sugar is making people fat, giving people diabetes and costing the healthcare system a fortune.  Soda companies target young people with this poison.  Sugar is addictive!  Oh yes it is!  It probably kills more people than cigarettes.  Sugar bad!

Hate legalized gambling.  Gambling ruins thousands of lives every day.  It ruins the life of the addicted gambler and the lives of everyone who has a connection to the addict.  Legalized gambling bad!

Hate plastic surgery.  Just watch any of the Bravo “Housewives” TV shows and you will know…Plastic surgery bad!

Hate booze.  Booze is the gateway to stupidity.  Booze bad!

Hate hate!  Hate people that hate.  Read the news, hate is the greatest cause of misery in this world.  Hate bad!

E-cigarettes are not good for you, but they are better than the alternative and they help many people kick a nasty habit.   Leave them along. Hate the other stuff.

 

The preceding has been the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

GOLFING WITH CAPTAIN DON

GOLFING WITH CAPTAIN DON

 

I played golf yesterday with Captain Don, formally known as Squeak.  I no longer call him Squeak as I found out he never liked that name.  He is Captain Don as he used to fly a single engine plane. 

Captain Don and I have played golf at “His Course” several times.  Actually it was not “His Course” but was a small public course in the middle of Pennsylvania.  We only played there because they had a landing strip.  Captain Don liked flying more than golf. 

He recently stopped flying and sold his plane.

Quick Captain Don story:

One day Don and I flew to “His Course.” Don paid the green and cart fees (I did buy hotdogs for lunch) along with fuel for the trip.  On the sixteenth hole, I had run out of tees.  I asked Captain Don for a tee.

“OK, but these are extra-long tees, I only have a few, don’t break it.”

(You generally break a tee on at least half of your drives.)

“You spent $100+ for fuel, $60 for green and cart fees, and you’re worried about a tee that comes 50 for a buck?”

“I like these tees!”

Anyway, I thought it was funny.  And yes, I did break the fucking tee!

Back on track:

Yesterday we played at a course local to Captain Don, about an hour from me.  I have gotten lost twice going to Don’s house, once more going to his airport, and once from the sixth hole to the seventh hole at my own local course.  Acutely aware of my inability to make it from point A to point B, Don suggested I meet him at a gas station just off the main road and I could follow him to the golf course.

I managed to find my way off the main highway to the gas station which was right off the exit, ten minutes early.  I called Don to let him know I made it.

He tells me,

“Look if you’re already there, make a left out of the station, go four lights after you go over the highway, make a right on Valley Rd. go up a mile and bear left at the fork to Tulip drive, make your third right on Fairway Lane and meet me by the ball field.  You can follow me from there.”

“Squeak (I was pissed) I could have gotten directions off the internet and programmed it into my i-phone and made it all by my big boy self, now I have to follow your cockamamie verbal directions?  Do you even know who you are dealing with?”  

“You’ll be fine, meet you at the ball field.”

Somehow I did make it to the ball field. As I pulled in a car pulled out.  I called Squeak…er Captain Don.

“Don, was that you pulling out?”

“Yeah, why didn’t you follow?”

“How the hell would I know it was you, I’ve seen your car like once?”

“Just follow, I pulled off to wait for you.”

We did get there, and it was a good day of golf.

 We only played nine, because that is about all I can handle without an electric cart which they did not offer on this course.  Don’s friend Larry was a member and he paid the fees, so that makes it a good day right there.  (Thanks Larry!) We also played with Don’s Son-in-law.

If anyone is interested in my scores:

See http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2014/08/my-golf-score.html for scoring explanation.

I counted 45 strokes. 

I had 48 actual strokes and my “Should Have Been” score was a very respectable 42.

Dessert at the Cranky’s

Dessert at the Cranky’s

 

Mrs. Cranky and I had dinner tonight from Boston Market.  We both love a half chicken, mashed potatoes, corn and their corn muffins.  Mrs. C did the pick-up run.

“Don’t get a dessert, you always get their brownies and I’m fat enough!”

“OK.”

Mrs. C had to first pick up the step-crank and drop him off where his car had been serviced.  He works at “The Cheesecake Factory.”

Anyway.

After dinner our conversation went like this:

“I have a surprise; do you want it now or later?”

“What is it?”

“Dessert.”

“I said no dessert.”

“OK, if you don’t want it.”

“What did you get?”

(Keep in mind now, it turns out she brought home cheesecake.)

“What did you get?”

“I left it out.”

(Please take note she could have said, “Cheesecake” but instead chose to say, “I.  Left.  It.   Out.”)

“What is it?”

 “It’s in the bag.”

(Still, can you just say “Cheesecake?”)

“What bag?”

“On the counter, do you ever notice anything?”

(Mrs. C, aka Sherlock, of courses never misses anything new in the house.)

“Which counter?”

“Holy crap! By the refrigerator.”

(Still, can you just say “Cheesecake?”)

“The bag that says “The Cheesecake Factory?”

“Yes!”

“What’s in it, why do I have to get up and look, why can’t you just friggin tell me what you got for dessert that I don’t need because I’m fat?”

“Guess.”

“Just tell me.  Never mind...

I’ll get up...

walk over...

and look for myself…

Cheesecake!”

“Imagine that. Jerk!”

“Like it would have been so hard to just say, ‘Cheesecake’?”

“Maybe if you would pull your head out of your ass you wouldn’t even have to ask!”

“Mmmm; I love cheesecake!”

Wordless Wednesday

 

I Can Empathize With Mr. Wilson  

 

 

 

 

Dennis the Menace











#3 Grandson
:)



 

 



WHITE SUSPENDERS

WHITE SUSPENDERS

"White Suspenders" is from my book "I Used to be Stupid" Since only 12 people have bought the book, occasionally I give some of it away for free.  Enjoy, hopefully it is not overpriced.

 



 

In 1960 my family moved from Manhasset, Long Island to Westfield, New Jersey.  I was in the ninth grade and attended Edison Jr. High, the south side Jr. High on the “poor” side of town.  In truth there was no “poor” side of town in Westfield, but the south side was less wealthy.  We did have all the black, I mean African American students (in 1960 they were Negroes) so we went undefeated in all sports vs. Roosevelt Jr. High which was on the north (rich) side of town.

At Edison we were taught that John F. Kennedy could never be President of the United States as being Catholic he would have to take orders from the Pope. 

We were taught the “Domino Theory” and that South Viet Nam should be prevented from falling into hands of communists.  If it went communist; all Southeast Asian countries would topple like dominoes and turn communist.  I think out of three hundred ninth graders three kids knew where South Viet Nam was.  Maybe ten could find Asia on a map.  No more than twenty knew what a domino was.

Edison Jr. High used to be stupid.                                                                    

In the mornings at home room we said the Pledge of Allegiance, and each day a different student was required to pick out and recite a portion of the Old Testament.   I did not know the Bible very well and dreaded my turn to find and recite any section.  These daily readings did not give me Religion, but yea did I acquire an unhealthy fear of The Valley of the Shadow of Death.

In the 1960’s you did not argue with any school rules; you did as you were told.  We never rebelled except once.  It was all over the unfair treatment of Haldane Taliaferro.

Haldane Taliaferro was one of nine black students in the entire ninth grade.  Haldane was cool.  One morning walking to school Haldane surprised me with the question,

“Hey Hagy don’t you ever wish you were black”? 

Now it was true the black kids were all really cool, and the white kids did tend to copy them.  We didn’t say “Is that right” we would all say “Hit the right on that.”  In the winter we learned that it was not really cold; instead it was “Man the hawk is out today.”  “Man hit the right the hawk is out today.”  The black kids dressed cool, and walked with attitude, a slight really cool limp which was copied by the white kids who also wanted to be cool. 

I understood Haldane’s question but responded that I had never really thought about it.  In truth, after watching Blacks in the south being hosed down and chased by German Shepards nightly on the six o’clock news, I kind of wanted to stick with this white thing.  I did pause in my response for a moment thinking being black might give me a shot at dating Haldane’s sister, the hottest cheerleader on the High school squad, but she was too old for a ninth grader.

Haldane was one of the most popular kids in school.  He always had a smile, always had a joke.  He was the right end on our undefeated football team, and though not our best athlete, he always kept the team loose.

A real fashion plate, one Monday morning Haldane came to school wearing a black shirt with his pants held up by bright white suspenders.  All the students thought it was a really cool look.  The principal immediately sent him home.

Edison Jr. High had no written dress code so when Haldane was sent home, many of us considered it to be a major injustice.  In retrospect I can see how this outfit would be a distraction and suspender snapping could hinder the learning environment.  No matter, at the time we were outraged, and we planned the first baby boomer demonstration against authority which would be so common in later years.  Civil rights, Viet Nam, the environment, separation of church and state, we were not concerned with any of these issues, but we cut our teeth on demonstrating against the unfair ouster of Haldane and his white suspenders.

The entire ninth grade football team, thirty two players strong, agreed to come to school on Wednesday wearing black shirts and bright white suspenders.  They could send Haldane home, but they could not send the entire football team home.  In unity there would be strength.

Mom was cool when I informed her of our plan.  She bought me a new black shirt, a pair of bright white suspenders, and sewed buttons on a pair of slacks on which to attach the suspenders.  Thirty two other moms were also cool as the entire team was prepared by Wednesday with the requisite uniform of the day.  I have no idea which local store had an inventory of thirty two pairs of white suspenders, but all the moms managed to find them.

We had our ways!

I know you did Mom.

Wednesday morning the entire ninth grade football team met outside school donned with black shirts and bright white suspenders.  We marched in the front door confident we could beat the establishment and their arbitrary rules.  In unity there is strength!

Not more than twenty feet inside the hallowed halls of Edison Jr. High we were met by the principal.  “Stop” he demanded. 

“You all have twenty minutes to go home and change or you will be suspended for a week!” 

Did he know who he was dealing with?  As the generation who would make demonstrations an art form and challenge the establishment on so many issues, we all sat down and chanted in unison

“Hell no, we won’t go, we all say there ain’t no way, white suspenders are here to stay.”

Well, actually we were not that experienced at the demonstration thing.  All thirty two suspendered teammates sheepishly turned tail in unison and raced home to change. 

Maybe we were gutless, but we weren’t stupid!

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL - a cranky re-run

SHOPLIFTING

This week's cranky re-run is from August 2011
 

Fifty two years ago I committed a crime.  My mother and father were scrupulously honest, I was raised to be the same, and yet I committed a crime.  At thirteen years old, I shoplifted a 35 cent Duncan yoyo from JJ Newberry’s on the miracle mile in Manhasset, Long Island.

I don’t know why I stole the yoyo.  I had the 35 cents to buy it.  Money was not an issue.  I was not even a yoyo type of kid.  I think it was just a rite of passage kind of thing.

My friends all bragged about lifting stuff.  I guess even though I knew it was wrong I had to be part of the crowd.  So one day I loitered around the toy section, looked over my shoulder several times and when the coast was clear I stuffed the yoyo in my pocket.  I then walked slowly and not so calmly up to the main floor and out the door.

Except for once or twice, I never really even used the yoyo.  Its existence brought me nothing but shame and guilt.  I never even told anyone that I shoplifted; so much for being part of the crowd.  I never stole again.

JJ Newberry’s, the “Target” of the 1950’s, was purchased by McCrory’s in 1961 and eventually went out of business.  I know I am not at fault for its demise, but I do owe someone 35 cents, or with interest maybe $5.50.  It is beyond the statute of limitations for my crime, but if someone can tell me who is entitled to my $5.50 I am prepared to make restitution.

We are all induced to try so many things in our march to become a fully developed human being; drugs, alcohol, tobacco, unprotected sex, shoplifting, cheating in school, vandalism and worse.  Sometimes, before that part of the brain which factors in consequences to our actions is fully developed, we succumb to temptations.  

What did you get away with that could have altered your life.  What did you do that makes you feel guilty even today?  Come on, let it out.  I won’t tell anyone.    

STUPID HEADLINES 082414

STUPID HEADLINES 082414

It is time once again for

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo.  'None of the above' may be a correct answer.

________________________________

Senior surprised by $315 bill for calling 911 – Well actually she dialed 911-get-sexy and talked for 48 minutes.

New Jersey veteran, 101, still working same job 73 years later – What does a guy have to do to get a promotion at this place?

Man gives up smoking for a year to win $1000 bet, celebrates by buying a pack and lighting up – I’m guessing he may have cheated just a little.

New Mexico robber caught after shower and shave, police say – He just wanted to “come clean.” (Stop your groaning, I had to say it…blame it on the Tourette’s)

North Korean statement insults Secretary of State Kerry's 'hideous lantern jaw' -

This from a man who always makes me think “Moe, Larry the cheese!”  (I’ll bet Suldog is laughing)

Man Fakes Own Death to Call Off His Upcoming Wedding – That is almost as bad as leaving a sticky note saying, "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me."

Student punished for saying "bless you" – She was forced to genuflect in the corner.

Heavy pot use in teen years may predict later-life disability - Yo, like that be rediculum!

Disbarred lawyer with no fingerprints faces theft charge in Colorado – Can you steal fingerprints?

Man Has Kept All His Nail Clippings In A Jar -- Since 1978! – And you thought saving Beanie Babies was stupid.

Woman Allegedly Beats Man Who Farted In Her Face – Shouldn’t that be “allegedly” farted in her face?

Flying Microwave Narrowly Misses Bunch Of Idiots – its true; God protects drunks, little children and idiots that fool around with microwaves.

Last week’s fake headline was:

Penguin interrupts wedding on Virginia Beach – I guess it was a formal wedding.

And the winners are:

Sandee

I'll go with penguin interrupts wedding on Virginia Beach. The rest of the stories are believable, but the penguin one just doesn't sound believable.

Have a fabulous Silly Sunday Cranky. ☺

For a dumb blonde, this lady is awful hard to fool!  Visit Sandee @ http://comedyplus.blogspot.com/ for lots of good…you guessed it, COMEDY!

BLissed-Out Grandma

Penguin. It must have had quite a swim.

Also hard to fool a Grandma…they’ve heard it all! Visit Blissed-out Grandma @ http://blissedoutgrandma.blogspot.com/ Grandma stories and Grandma wisdom.  

Stephen Hayes

The penguin seems like a good choice, even though I have a record of making bad choices in the game. I hope you have a great week.

Stephen is getting smarter; he used to be easy to fool. Visit Stephen @ http://thechubbychatterbox.blogspot.com/ Stories, art history, oh hell, just go there.  Always great stuff!

Visit and congratulate all the winners, and

Come back next week for more:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

WHAT HAPPENED IN FERGUSON?

WHAT HAPPENED IN FERGUSON?

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

Many of my opinions are based on little or no knowledge of the subject opined.  This week follows that tradition.  What is the value in bloviating on a subject where there is no expertise to offer?  It at least serves to get out what many may be thinking.  So go ahead, trash my opinion and offer your own, please be somewhat respectful and no name calling…that means you, you big stupid head.

 

What happened in Ferguson Missouri?  Nobody knows for sure at this time, and with all the speculation and emotion I suspect the truth will never really be determined and or accepted.

A black teen was shot by a white police officer.  The teen turned out to be unarmed.  The officer was trying to question him regarding a robbery (video evidence seems to implicate the teen in this robbery.)  There was a scuffle, the teen ran, the officer called on him to stop, the teen according to some accounts turned and charged and the officer feeling threatened fired.  He fired at least six times and the teen was killed.

We may never confirm all the facts.  Several things I do believe are true.

 

A young teen whether guilty of a robbery or not, does not deserve to be killed.  We do not have a death penalty for robbery, especially when the crime has not been adjudicated.

The police officer felt threatened by the 6’ 4” 270 pound teen (There is some evidence indicating he suffered serious facial injury.)  Perhaps he shouldn’t have felt threatened, but apparently he did feel threatened.   Police officers have been killed by citizens resisting arrest.

 The guns used today by law enforcement fire rapidly.  The decision to use force often results in multiple shots fired in just seconds from a quick trigger mechanism.  Could a Taser have been an option?

Many of our countries neighborhoods do not trust and have no respect for the police.

Many police forces may not deserve the respect and trust of their community.

An all-white force in a predominantly black neighborhood is not going to engender respect and trust in the community.

What should we learn from this tragedy?

Police need to become more of a part of the neighborhood.  Officers should be recruited from the neighborhoods they will serve.

Police should be trained better to show more restraint.  Preventing a robbery or stopping a thief by killing is not acceptable.

Communities need to become more respectful of the police.  Young people need to curb their attitude.  Young people need to learn how to be questioned or arrested, that sounds ridiculous, but when an officer gives an order, people need to do as they are told, do not resist; let the officer know you are not a threat.  Put your hands in view; learn “Yes sir, no sir.”  If the stop is in error or not warranted it will be proved in due time.  (Unfortunately this is not always true, there are bad cops, and there sometimes is a “blue wall of silence.”)

Officers need to show respect to suspected perpetrators.  Do not use derogatory names, do not demean and do not use more force than necessary.  The police need to be consistent in this behavior.  They need to establish a reputation of being fair, and respectful, not abusive and bullying.

I don’t know what happened in Ferguson, but I suspect the incident was the result of years and years of bad public relations.  Years of police being the enemy, not being part of the community, and not always showing restraint.  If there was mutual respect between officers and the people they serve, these confrontations would be few and far between.

Where does the blame for Ferguson lay?  It is on the police too quick to overact; it is on the community that chooses to make the police the enemy; it is on the mutual lack of respect and understanding between the police and the community they serve.

There is no easy solution to this problem.  It will take years to develop and earn the mutual respect that has been missing for so long in this community and in many communities around the country; but the process needs to start now.

 

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.