Will Someone Please Explain

 

Will Someone Please Explain

 

Am I binary, or non-binary?  Seems like neither is a good thing.

How does one become their “authentic self?”  How is anyone’s self not authentic?

When did “you guys” become “you guyses?”

When did “literally” become an emphasis word? 

“He is literally a dentist”

Why don’t people just say “He is a dentist”?  It’s not like it is unbelievable for a person to be a dentist.  I know two dentists who are literally my friends.  I think it is literally STUPID! To use literally to describe a normal situation.

While I am at it, actually is just a stupid as literally and used pretty much the same.  “He is actually a dentist” STUPID!!

How do people say things like “He is not a rocket surgeon” and not be corrected… actually DRIVES ME NUTS…literally.

When did the answer to any question suddenly begin with “So.” 

“How much did your new car cost?”

“So, I paid $28,000.”

People used to just say “$28,000” what the heck is the “So” for?

Why is it suddenly so damn important to be “vulnerable” in a relationship?  I prefer to be comfortably in a relationship, not vulnerable!

How come marriage counselors even exist?  I have NEVER met a couple who went to a marriage counselor that did not get divorced within two years.  Marriage counselor’s success record by my experience is 0-27.

If someone tells you they are seeing a marriage counselor, just direct them to a lawyer.

Why don’t we get rid of daylight savings time.  Why do we even have time zones?  If it is 0800 in New York, it should also be 0800 in Australia.  It might take a while to get used to daylight being different times depending where you live, but at least everyone would know what time it is everywhere.

Why does the Government ruin my TV shows at night by testing their “Emergency Broadcasting system?”  It always seems to work; and what happens to all those people who are not watching TV when an emergency arises?  Shouldn’t they just send a text to everyone?

Why isn’t there one single good thing that comes from global warming?

Why can’t I solve crossword puzzles on the weekend?

Why does anyone under 35 use the word “like” at least once in every sentence when speaking?

Why do some people think stuttering while searching for a word makes them sound intelligent?  Just spit it out professor smarty-pants!

Why do we need one more Willy Wonka movie?

Why do people brag about not doing stuff?  “I never watching TV.  I don’t use that stupid Face thing or the Tweety thing” As if it makes them a better person?

Why do people say, “Smile, it could be worse!” Has that EVER made a person feel better? 

Why am I so cranky? 

All of the above!

 

 

My Wife Is A Witch

 

My Wife Is A Witch

 

My wife is a witch.  Not a scary Halloween witch, but apparently, she can cast spells. 

Let me explain.

Monday nights we are in a bowling league.  Our team is not particularly good, but without my spell casting wife we would be close to the basement.  (Last place)

Several weeks ago, we were about to be shut out.  Zero points out of seven possible.  We were doing ok in the final of three games when the opposing teams anchor went on a tear and threw five strikes in a row.

His hot streak cut our lead to two pins and he had one more throw while were finished.

On his final throw he needed to only hit 1 pin to defeat us.

(I know someone out there is thinking “one pin? You are leading by 2 pins?"

You probably don’t know scoring in bowling.  With 2 working strikes, one pin on the last throw will add up to 3 additional pins.)

Mrs. C lean over to me and said, 

“He could throw a gutter ball!”

This dude had not missed a rack all night.  He had just thrown 5 straight strikes, and The Witch suggested he could throw the ball in the gutter and hit nothing?

His last throw was pulled to the left started to curve and plopped into the gutter at the last second just missing the only pin needed to win the game.

Sue the first bowler on our team overheard Mrs. C’s call and could not hold back,

“You’re a witch!

Well, it could just be one of those things, stuff does happen…except tonight she struck again.

Our first game came down to the last frame.  Mrs. C finished a more than respectable 158 game after missing a tough tenth frame spare attempt giving us a 5-pin lead with no more frames. 

Unfortunately, Lori, the other team’s final bowler was faced with a simple single pin spare on her last frame.  If she makes the spare, it would pretty much assure, they would win the game for 2 points.

Lori is a very good bowler.  I have not seen her miss a simple middle of the alley single pin spare in like…ever.

As she lined up her shot, Mrs. C whispered,

“She could miss it you know.”

Lori could not believe it as her ball rolled by that single pin by less than an eyelash.

I was tempted to tell her it was not her fault, but stayed silent. 

I don’t want to mess with the witch.

 

Do You Have a Temperature?

 

Do You Have a Temperature?

 

What is the first question asked when you are feeling poorly?

“Is it Covid?”

Ok these days that is the first question, but after that it is,

“Do you have a temperature?”

There is a test for Covid, taking your temperature is not so easy.

Back in the day there were those mercury thermometers that only adults could read.  If you were normal that thin metallic line would stop at 98.8…every time.  Ninety-nine; you had a fever.  One-hundred you stayed in bed.  Those thermometers were dead accurate, and 98.8 was normal for almost the whole world.

Lately the rules have changed.  Now normal body temperature can be from 95 to 99.  How and why dd that change?

To make things even worse, today’s thermometers all vary by two or more degrees.  Those forehead and ear things can beep at 95 degrees one day and 96.5 the next. 

Normal body temperature is a crap shoot.

Last week I was feeling poorly.  Not Covid, I was tested (I am not an animal).  Just stuffy, congestion and I felt like a fever.  Chills and sweating usually indicate a fever.

So, Mrs. C brought out the forehead thermometer. 

“Ninety-five point 4, your fine.”

“Fine! Isn’t a low temperature also bad?”

“It says 95-99 is a normal range.”

“WTF!”

Days later I was over the stuffy nose and chest congestion but I really felt crappy.  Mrs. C took my temperature with a new under the tongue electronic thing. 

“Ninety-eight point five…normal.”

“What the hell, how is 98.5 normal when the other day 95.4 was normal? If 95.4 is normal then I am three degrees above normal! I need to stay home from school!”

“You don’t go to school you old fool!”

“See, I am delirious from fever.”

“Oh, your fine, you can’t trust these new thermometers.”

So, there you have it, one of the most trustworthy measures of your well-being no longer has any measure of accuracy.  Makes me wonder what the hell good were all those forehead tests to enter a building during Covid.

What happened to those old mercury things that you had to shake down before using, and the time under the tongue was measured by Mom’s,

“That should be long enough.”

These days the hand on the forehead and

“I don’t know, feels kind of hot to me.”

Is more accurate than that electronic crap.

 

BTW, this morning feeling much better, 96.4. Is that normal?