TOURETTE’S

TOURETTE’S

Around the time I was five years old, I started this neck twitchy thing.  I had to HAD TO tighten my neck muscles till my head shook like a vibrator was attached.  In addition, I had to HAD TO make a huffing noise in my throat.  My brothers and even my father when they saw this would tell me “STOP THAT!”

It was embarrassing to say the least.  For some reason I did not always have to do these things, I think it was usually when I was home and my brain was half turned off watching TV.

As I grew older the need NEED to twitch diminished and I was able to disguise and or delay the twitch so that people did not notice.  Well I didn’t think they noticed.  It turns out most people are polite enough to not ask you, “Why the fuck are you twitching?”

Years later I learned of this thing called Tourette’s.  Unfortunately all you heard of this syndrome was the very rare symptom of a person’s uncontrollable need to curse out loud.  This stereotype made admitting to having Tourette’s difficult.  FUCK.  It was, however, comforting to realize that the uncontrollable need to twitch had a name.  It was a syndrome suffered by many.  It was not Joe Hagy being a fucked up dude!  Well not because of the twitchy thing anyway.

Today, the stigma of Tourette’s is changing.  People realize it is not just the uncontrollable SHIT PISS cursing stuff.  Much of the credit for this change in how people look at Tourette’s goes to Tim Howard, the American World Cup soccer goalie.  Years ago, Tim went on “60 Minutes” and spoke candidly about this affliction which apparently we share.

Thank you Little Timmy Howard!  I call him Little Timmy because years ago in North Brunswick, New Jersey, Tim’s older brother played Little League Baseball with my son, Matt.  From time to time Little Timmy would hang with me at games and I would buy him a hot dog or ice cream.  He was about ten, and a really great kid.  I never would have guessed he had Tourette’s.  At ten he was adept at hiding it. 

Thanks to Little Timmy, I can discuss this strange twitchy affliction.  I even use it as an excuse.  If I forget to do something, or do anything weird, I just say, “It’s the Tourette’s.” 

At last something positive out of this twitchy condition.  I have an excuse for almost anything.  I get to join that growing herd of American’s that are not responsible for doing dumb shit because they (we) are victims! SHIT PISS FUCK.

Well I try to use the victim defense.  Mrs. Cranky doesn’t buy it.

SHIT.  

COMMUNITY SERVICE

COMMUNITY SERVICE

When some clown gets nailed for a minor infraction these days he does not go to jail, the jails are too crowded.  He may pay a fine, but that is not much of a penalty for anyone with money and if you don’t have any money how can you be fined?  So how do we discipline those guilty of a minor felony or a misdemeanor today?  We sentence them to Community Service.

Community Service is like time out for big people.  You can make them go, but how do you make them stay?  These are not upstanding citizens, these are rich spoiled brats, or low life assholes.  Either way they do not really give a shit about what they are doing, they just want to show up get their ticket punched and go. 

The people responsible for these assholes have real jobs and real stuff they want to get done.  If the person charged with community service is being a pain-in-the- ass, their supervisor is just going to give him busy work or tell them to go and give him credit for a full day’s work, whichever is easiest.  No one wants to have to supervise one of these fuck-ups.  They don’t get paid to deal with felons.  The bigger a pain-in- the-ass these cretins are, the faster they will be told to just go home and get full credit for time served.  This is why community service is a joke.

Community Service should go back to the chain gang days.  Don’t send these losers to a soup kitchen where real community minded people are working, and expect them to be productive.  Make them do real work under the supervision of real penal professionals.

I’m guessing that if Lindsey Lohan was forced to show up to a park- cleaning detail dressed in drab overalls with 20 other losers and forced to pick up trash and dog shit, she just might learn a lesson.  Being forced to wear drab overalls alone would give this wacky bitch the heebie-jeebies!

Chain these losers together for eight hours, give them a scoop for dog shit, a stick for trash and a trash bag to collect it all and I’m guessing they might not want to go through this again real soon.  If they don’t do what the fuck they are told, then they get no credit for time served.  Their “supervisors” are professionals, they won’t care which low-lives they deal with every day.  They have no incentive to give these jerks an easy pass.

A four year old can learn to handle time out very fast.  Stand in a corner for three minutes?  That is a piece of cake.  A teenager gets grounded for two weeks…. crap, that’s more punishment to the parents than the teen.  Community Service for a felon?  Ho hum, yawn; it’s not much worse than standing in a corner, or being grounded. 

It’s about time these spoiled assholes get some actual consequences for their bad behavior.

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS

There is a popular board game for little girls six and under, “Pretty Pretty Princess.”  In this game, you roll dice, go around the board, and collect rings, earrings and a crown.  When you collect each item plus the crown you win.   Everyone in the game then has to declare you the “Pretty Pretty Princess.”

This is a great game for little ones because it so simple and it combines counting with dress-up.  I am secure enough in my masculinity to wear the earrings, rings, and the crown much to the amusement of all. 

I am not homophobic and I believe your sexual orientation is determined at birth, but there is still something in the back of my prehistoric mind that thinks the gay lifestyle is not one to intentionally turn your child towards and maybe this game is not aimed at most little boys.

My youngest son survived this game.  He played it with the same sense of silliness that I did and it would appear that he hasn’t jumped teams.  Still it occurs to me that there should be a similar game for little boys.  It would be a simple game that combines counting with masculine attributes.  I would name it:  “TUFFY TUFFY TUFF GUY.”

Each player would start with an empty tool belt.  He would go around the board and collect tools to fill his belt.  When he collected a drill, a screw driver, and a saw, he would then be just the “Silver Hammer” away from being declared,   “TUFFY TUFFY TUFF GUY!”

Along the way around the board, if you land on one of the “Gender Bender” squares, you have to pick a card.  These cards would have different instructions such as:

“You punched a bully in the nose, move three steps forward and collect a power drill.”  Or “You attended a Lisa concert, take two steps back and turn in your saw.”

I think little girls would also enjoy this game.  Come on Hasbro or Parker Brothers take a chance, I think this game would be a big seller. 

The world is ready for TUFFY TUFFY TUFF GUY!