Steakhouse Rules
Every once
in a while, I get sucked into one of those internet tutorials on how to live
your life correctly.
“TEN WAYS
TO KEEP OFF THE FAT”
“NINE
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN”
“EIGHT THINGS
TO ALWAYS TEACH YOUR DOG”
You get the
idea: Some recent journalism grad is given the task to suddenly become an
expert on a subject and then impart their great insight on the rest of us
cretins.
Generally, I
get a laugh of these lesson for life from an expert who is just getting started
out on life. This recent one however
brought out my best Cranky self.
8 EDIQUETTE MISTAKES EVERYONE MAKES
AT A STEAKHOUSE
These rules
were for eating at a fancy $65 or more a plate Steakhouse. Now I am not sure I have ever eaten at a $65 or
more a plate restaurant, but I figured just in case, I should know the rules.
Here is what
some genius culinary/etiquette expert came up with, I am sure they spent many
hours of research.
1. Dousing
your steak with steak sauce: If the chef wanted the steak slathered in sauce it
would come that way. HMMM, at $65
a plate, I’m not sure I give a rat’s backside how the chef wants me to eat MY
steak!
2. Cutting
the steak all at once: Cut one bite at a time, pointy finger on top of the
knife, put down the knife, switch hands with the fork then eat. Who knew that style points counted when
eating steak, I guess there is something to be said for not eating like a cave man, but don’t
tell me how to hold a knife (actually I think I do hold my knife that way) and shifting my fork for every bite
is a waste of motion.
3. Do not
eat every-last bite, leave something on your plate. Etiquette says if you leave a small piece, it
shows you were completely satisfied. What
if I’m not completely satisfied without finishing all of my plate? Why do I give
a gosh darn if the chef and staff think I wasn’t satisfied? Furthermore, after
years of being told “Clean your plate, Joe!” and feeling guilty for the starving
children in China, I’m
going to still listen to Mom.
4. When done
don’t leave your napkin on the table, fold it neatly and leave it on your seat. NO! I’m a rebel damn it!!
5. No matter how good, do not chew on the steak
bone, use your utensils. Not only will I chew if I want, but I’m asking for a doggie bag to take that $65 bone home!
6. Do not spit out chewy pieces in your napkin, place
them discreetly in the corner of your plate. For $65 there should not be
ANY chewy pieces, gristle, or excess fat! I will dispose of bad pieces how the
hell I feel like…and then complain. (Well, actually, never complain to
people that are handling your food.)
7. Order you steak well done if that is how you
like it, but medium to medium rare is how the chef prefers as this is the juiciest
and most flavorful setting. Medium
is my preference, but I really do not need anyone’s approval to order how it is
cooked. If I want to pay $65 for dried
flavorless steak, take my money, make it well done and suck it up!
AS an
aside for those that think it is macho to order steak rare and then chew
forever before painfully gulping down each bite; it is OK to order medium or
even medium well. See, I can make rules too.
8. Dress properly, many of the best restaurants require
a specific dress code. I don’t
think there are many restaurants that are strict about dress these days, but I did
like the old coat and tie days, so I can live with this rule.
Too
summarize, for rules 1-7 pffffffft! I was going to say “Fuck You” but I have
mellowed.
Mostly I don’t
need to worry for now; it should take several more years of inflation for
Outback to be selling $65 steaks.
