Steakhouse Rules

 

Steakhouse Rules

Every once in a while, I get sucked into one of those internet tutorials on how to live your life correctly.

“TEN WAYS TO KEEP OFF THE FAT”

“NINE THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN”

“EIGHT THINGS TO ALWAYS TEACH YOUR DOG”

You get the idea: Some recent journalism grad is given the task to suddenly become an expert on a subject and then impart their great insight on the rest of us cretins.

Generally, I get a laugh of these lesson for life from an expert who is just getting started out on life.  This recent one however brought out my best Cranky self. 

8 EDIQUETTE MISTAKES EVERYONE MAKES AT A STEAKHOUSE

These rules were for eating at a fancy $65 or more a plate Steakhouse.  Now I am not sure I have ever eaten at a $65 or more a plate restaurant, but I figured just in case, I should know the rules.

Here is what some genius culinary/etiquette expert came up with, I am sure they spent many hours of research.

 

1. Dousing your steak with steak sauce: If the chef wanted the steak slathered in sauce it would come that way.  HMMM, at $65 a plate, I’m not sure I give a rat’s backside how the chef wants me to eat MY steak!

2. Cutting the steak all at once: Cut one bite at a time, pointy finger on top of the knife, put down the knife, switch hands with the fork then eat.  Who knew that style points counted when eating steak, I guess there is something to be said for not eating like a cave man, but don’t tell me how to hold a knife (actually I think I do hold my knife that way) and shifting my fork for every bite is a waste of motion.

3. Do not eat every-last bite, leave something on your plate.  Etiquette says if you leave a small piece, it shows you were completely satisfied.  What if I’m not completely satisfied without finishing all of my plate? Why do I give a gosh darn if the chef and staff think I wasn’t satisfied? Furthermore, after years of being told “Clean your plate, Joe!” and feeling guilty for the starving children in China, I’m going to still listen to Mom.

4. When done don’t leave your napkin on the table, fold it neatly and leave it on your seat.  NO! I’m a rebel damn it!!

5.  No matter how good, do not chew on the steak bone, use your utensils.  Not only will I chew if I want, but I’m asking for a doggie bag to take that $65 bone home!

6.  Do not spit out chewy pieces in your napkin, place them discreetly in the corner of your plate. For $65 there should not be ANY chewy pieces, gristle, or excess fat! I will dispose of bad pieces how the hell I feel like…and then complain.  (Well, actually, never complain to people that are handling your food.)

7.  Order you steak well done if that is how you like it, but medium to medium rare is how the chef prefers as this is the juiciest and most flavorful setting.  Medium is my preference, but I really do not need anyone’s approval to order how it is cooked.  If I want to pay $65 for dried flavorless steak, take my money, make it well done and suck it up!

AS an aside for those that think it is macho to order steak rare and then chew forever before painfully gulping down each bite; it is OK to order medium or even medium well.  See, I can make rules too.

 

8.  Dress properly, many of the best restaurants require a specific dress code.  I don’t think there are many restaurants that are strict about dress these days, but I did like the old coat and tie days, so I can live with this rule.

Too summarize, for rules 1-7 pffffffft!  I was going to say “Fuck You” but I have mellowed. 

Mostly I don’t need to worry for now; it should take several more years of inflation for Outback to be selling $65 steaks.