THE CREPITATION CONTEST OF 1946

THE CREPITATION CONTEST OF 1946

In the summer of 1958, a twelve year old Cranky was visiting his Uncle Jack and Cousins Johnny and Dex.  My Uncle was a big man, over 300 pounds with a laugh to match his size.  It was on this visit that I first heard the recording.

My Aunt Sally had gone shopping, and Uncle Jack asked if anyone wanted to hear a funny record.  We all of course said yes, and Uncle Jack proceeded to pull out a small 78 record hidden inside a volume of Compton’s Encyclopedia. 

“Do not tell Aunt Sally, or your folks,” I was admonished by Uncle Jack, “this is a bootleg record.”

Now I was excited.  A bootleg record; was it even legal to listen to such a recording?  Uncle Jack said nothing as he queued up the record and placed the needle on the bootleg disc.

What followed was shocking to a lad that had been raised by WASPS.  Raised by a family of adults who had never uttered a curse word in my presence, always appeared very proper and certainly were not the type to listen to potty humor.

The bootleg recording was produced in 1946 in Canada by two sportscasters as a goof.  Apparently they made several copies, but it was not for distribution.  The recording was copied again and again on disc and reel to reel tape.  It was distributed underground and played in dark rooms and back alleys around the world.

I about peed my pants listening to this record.  It was years later before I ever discussed it with anyone.  It was a bootleg recording.  Was it illegal?  It was just wrong…wasn’t it?

I later met many people who had also heard this recording and also had about peed their pants.  This recording was the earliest example of something gone viral; quietly, and whispered in the dark, viral.

Thanks to the internet I have rediscovered the recording.  If you are immature, and enjoy potty humor, sit back, hit play, and enjoy the blow by blow description of the contest between the champion Englishman Lord Windesmear, and the challenger, Australian Paul Boomer as they compete in:

The Great Crepitation Contest!

It is a bit long, 15 minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPplyQWf-u4

Paul Boomer and Lord Windesmear at the farting pole

A re-run from my 13-year-old self July 2013

I NEED A LIST

I NEED A LIST

I am not a prude.  I am not a racist.  For the most part, words or visuals do not upset me.  I am old, and I am confused about what words are proper today, and what words are forbidden.

For instance:

I get it that you can not say the “N” word, even though clearly everyone knows what the “N” word is so that eventually if you say “The N word” you will offend people.  Soon it will be you have to say “That word” to mean “The N word”.  

Look words are not offensive, it is words in a specific context that are offensive…OK I don’t want to get in a debate, just let me know which words can no longer be used.  Maybe print a list of what is not acceptable, then update the list everyday as the rules seem to change often.

The other day I was corrected in a disciplinary fashion from a young person for using the term “Actress.”  Apparently if you act, you are an “actor.”  Any gender identification is offensive. 

Look, I don’t care, just tell me the rules.

Why on TV can you say Ass, but not asshole?  Can you say ass and hole in the same sentence?  “He was an ass because he dug a hole.”

How come you can’t say “Pussy” but you can say VeJayJay?

Why does “actress” offend, but a commercial can have models demonstrate the superiority of their Vejayjay trimming devise?

Can I say “an actor of unknown gender but I suspect (he/she/it?) may have a vejayjay.”?

When I was a child, we used to play Cowboys and Indians.  I am old.  Sometimes I use the term Indian instead of Native American…or is it Indigenous person?  When I use the term “Indian” do I really need to be corrected?  Is the world worse off if I use a that word?  Are Native Americans better off if I am corrected?

I just saw a commercial advertising a no wrinkle cleaning product that basically claimed their wrinkle free product would hide a 13-year-olds boner.  (Can I say boner?  What about hard-on, or pitched a tent?  I need that list!) It was pretty funny to me, but I’ll bet it offended a lot of other old people.  Probably more than saying “actress” offends a millennial.

The same young people who are offended by “Indian” or “actress” or any number of words that are on their not published list, have no problem using “Fuck” as punctuation. 

I over-hear it in public areas all the time. 

“My fucking boss is so fucking stupid; I want to kick his mother-fucking ass!” 

It is not only offensive to many people, but it has also watered down and ruined a perfectly good word.  “Fuck” used to get your attention and emphasized your point, it has lost its effectiveness.  

These same fuck-punctuating people would have no problem correcting me if they over-heard me say “actress” or “Indian.”

Can I say “mother-fucking indigenous actor person of indeterminant gender?”

I need a list! 

An Observation

An Observation

You can learn a lot from watching TV commercials.  They are a window into our world.  If hundreds of years from now, archaeologists find a cache of early 21^st century TV commercials they would make the following conclusions about our world today.

Ninety-five percent of all doctors and judges are female.

Almost all cleaning products are sold by people with English accents.

One hundred percent of dentists are female.

Most children are smarter than their parents.

Men are bigger and stronger than women but are generally defeated when they ingage in physical competition against each other.

There is nothing more important to a mom than clean white shirts.

Most young married couples are mixed race.

People drink alcohol for the taste and refreshment, they never get high.

Furniture stores are always going out of business.

Men can not find anything around the house, are careless and forget every important date…OK, that one is accurate.

Those future archaeologists will believe all these things to be true, TV commercials must mirror life as we know it…right?