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Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Watching Football With My Son


Watching Football With My Son
My youngest son is a junior in college.  He is also a big football fan.  He roots for the Eagles, I am a Giant fan.  If his team is out of contention he will root for the Giants.  If the Giants are out of it, I root for the Eagles.  This year the Giants are out and the Eagles, last year’s Super Bowl Champs, are still in the run.

Sunday they played the Bears in the first of this year’s playoffs.

We watched the game together.  He gets a little bit extra involved.  He does remind me a little of my younger self, only even crazier.

It was a close game through three plus quarters.  In the last quarter the Eagles led 10-9.  Spencer was in a pace-back-and-forth mode most of the game.  The Bears hit a couple of big plays and scored a touchdown with 4 plus minutes in the game taking a 15-10 lead.

“Friggin Eagles, they always lose!  I hate them!”

“They won the Super Bowl last year; besides they still have time to score.”

“They’re killing me!”

The Eagles did score.  They had some nice plays and got the ball to the Bear two-yard line.  It took them four plays to get a touchdown.  Four excruciating plays where my son could not contain himself.  He threw stuff, he cursed, he cheered, he cursed.  He kicked stuff, and when they scored it was fist pumps, chest beating and dancing. 

“I love this team”, He was singing “Fly Eagles Fly.”

The Eagles, leading 16-15, then go for two points which would guarantee a tie if the Bears make a field goal in the remaining 50 seconds.  The Eagles back leaped over the pile and the ball crossed the line for the two points…or did it.  It was ruled it did not.  The replay looked like it did to Eagle fans, it did not to Bear fans.  The ruling was no point; score 16-15 eagles.

“Bull shit, he crossed the line!  Crap, now just watch, the Bears will kick a field goal and we lose, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!!”

“There are only 45 seconds left and they only have one time out.”

“There going to lose, I know it!!”

The bears ran back the kickoff to the forty-yard line as the Eagles missed a few easy tackles. 

Spencer was apoplectic. 

They completed a long pass putting them in field goal range with 30 seconds left. 

Spencer was inconsolable. 

After they moved the ball ten more yards there were only seconds left and the Bears brought in their kicker for a relatively easy (for the NFL) 43-yard kick.

“I knew it!  Missed tackles, missed coverage, they always do this!!”

“They still have to make the kick.”

“They always lose!!”

“They won it all last year!”

“Arrrgggghhhh”

The kick was up and good.

“Shit!!”

“Wait, the Eagles called time out before the kick.”

“Arrrggghhhh! They are just delaying the torture!”

The second try was up.

“It’s good…wait, he pulled it…(DOINK the ball hit the left goal post) Shit it’s good…wait (DOINK the ball hit the cross bar) Shit, it went over…no wait, it bounced back, it missed!”

The Eagles win.

Spencer was now fist pumping the air,

“YES!! GO EAGLES!” Spencer was singing,

“FLY EAGLES FLY!”

Spencer was happy.

“I LOVE THIS TEAM!  Yea EAGLES!!!”

I think he is back at school for next week’s game.  I’ll be texting him back and forth for that game.  I think it may be easier to watch with him at a distance.



Monday, January 7, 2019

MY F*CKIT LIST

MY F*CKIT LIST

As I get older, I think more and more about my bucket list – things I want to do before I move underground.  
I am a simple man, my list is pretty short:

1.     Catch a blue marlin


2.    Bowl a 300 game


3.    Shoot a hole-in-one


4.    Join the ½ mile high club (I am afraid of hights)


5.    Ask a famous person if he would like my autograph


6.    Jump in a NYC cab and yell “follow that car”


7.    Go to a fancy restaurant and order a box of wine


8.    Rent a Porsche and park it in my driveway on Christmas Eve with a big red bow on the hood


As much as I want to achieve these things there is also a list of stuff I have never done and plan to meet my maker without ever doing them.  I call this my F*CKIT list:


1.    I have never shot a gun, I aim to keep it that way.


2.    I will never have a threesome (there could be some wiggle room on this one).


3.    I will never jump out of a plane with or without a parachute.


4.    I will never go camping (I might be convinced to spend a night in a tent if it included #2).


5.    I never ate a dill pickle I intend to keep it that way.


6.    I have never masturbated.


7.    I have never told a lie


8.    I never let the air out of Miss Gromlick’s car tire when she failed me in Trigonometry, i'm not going to start now.


9.    I have never keyed someone’s car after they pissed me off by taking my parking space that I had been waiting for last Christmas Eve at the Menlo Park Mall and I never will.


10.                       I have never gone to an Opera and plan to keep it that way.


11.                       I have never sang karaoke, never will.....fuckit!


12.                       I have never egged Mrs. Rosenthall’s house because she wouldn’t let me cut through her back yard as a short cut to my friend’s house when I was 12, why would I start now?


These are all things that I have never ever done and vow to never ever do. 


What things are on your F*CKIT list?
Re-run from December 2011

Saturday, January 5, 2019

STUPID HEADLINES 010619


STUPID HEADLINES 010619

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

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Floridians outraged after chef says New Jersey has best Cuban sandwich – We also have the best Cuban cigars…we even have the best Cubans.  Jersey rules!

Cops grieve 'Krispy Kreme Doughnuts' lost in NYE truck fire: 'No words' – Who says cops don’t have a sense of humor?


Elizabeth Smart responds to news her kidnapper lives near elementary school – Gee, with all the crazies running around with high power rifles, I hope they don’t release the address of this rape enabling piece of excrement who should still be rotting in prison with a 300-pound roommate named Crazy Bertha!

Meghan Markle 'bans Prince Harry from drinking alcohol and tea' – Who mixes their alcohol with tea anyway? 

Scientists think they know where the early universe’s dark matter has been hiding – This is stupid, clearly it is on the dark side of the moon.

8 Things That Happen When You Stop Drinking Alcohol – From first-hand experience number one would be You remember where you are when you wake up…Number two would be You remember who you are when you wake up.

Australian twin sisters claim they both intend to get pregnant by same 'very happy' boyfriend – This should be against the law, no one should be that lucky!

Porsche aims high with hemp-bodied car – The car will get excellent mileage, but the driver may have to make frequent stops for potato chips.

Illinois hunters now allowed to wear blaze pink as alternative to orange – The danger will be drunken hunters looking for elephants.

Apple secures smart fabric patent – Siri, pull up my fly.


DICK-HEAD OF THE WEEK:

Kawhi Leonard's mother appears to yell at heckler during Raptors-Spurs game – Yelling at players is a fan’s right, but heckling their mothers is a Dick-head move!  This mom apparently can hold her own…but she shouldn’t have to.


 FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK

Raccoon goes viral after scaling skyscraper – What person doesn’t feel good after a good raccoon story?