THE STUPIDEST BIRD

THE STUPIDEST BIRD

 I love birds.  My mom instilled bird loving in me at a very young age.  No, we weren’t over the top bird watchers, marching through the woods with camo and binoculars keeping track of every species we saw.  We were backyard birders, viewing the many species that would come to our feeder.  When my folks moved to the Eastern Shore, Md. We added water fowl to our backyard viewing.

We did have binoculars and a “Birds of North America” book at the ready for the few instances when a new bird species dropped by…always an exciting event.

So I am a bird appreciator, an amateur birder. 

Most birds seem pretty intelligent.  They are wary of other species and wary of humans.  They are skillful at finding and retrieving food even in difficult winter conditions.  The food we leave out is appreciated, but they would survive without human intervention; except for the urban pigeon.

The city pigeons, also known as flying rats are without a doubt the stupidest bird in the world.   This bird could not survive without humans and human leftovers.  They have no fear of man; they could be caught with ease if they were a needed food source.  I suppose the argument could be made that they are smart to know humans will not harm them and they are smart to get easy feed from hanging close to humans.

Why then, do I say they are so stupid?  First they walk stupid. They cannot move a leg without also moving their head…stupid.  They look like bass guitar players without the rhythm and talent. That is not why they are stupid.

The pigeon lives off left over scraps of bread. 

They eat it stupid. 

The pigeon pecks at the bread getting only tiny pieces with each peck.  Then in order to break the bread down to a smaller size, he picks it up and shakes it.  Most of the shaken bread flies away from him and is grabbed by another pigeon.  He is left with only a crumb.

Every time the pigeon picks up a piece of bread to shake a smaller piece loose, he misses stepping on it by less than a quarter of an inch.  It just drives me crazy watching them.

“Step on it you stupid bird! Just step on the fucking piece of bread and it will stay put for you to peck away at your heart’s content!”

They never do, they always just miss stepping on the bread.  Not one friggin bird has thought of stepping on the bread.  Not once has a pigeon accidentally stepped on the bread and realized,

“WOW, this is way better then flinging it all over and then having to fight  those other birds for it!”

Nope, not figuring it out, accidentally or otherwise.

Stupid bird!

STUPID HEADLINE 040515

STUPID HEADLINE 040515

 

I think there is a thirteenth unwritten step, “Don’t drink alcohol!”

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY on Monday

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.

One headline may be fake.  Guess the fake and win a mention and a WHOOP-TEE-DOO.  None of the above may be a correct answer.

Comment moderation is on for one day.

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Portland baffled by pink animal sighting – Has a certain talented artist been out sunbathing again?

Ohio assisted living facility bares all for calendar – I’d rather not know what day it is.

Pennsylvania woman posed as lawyer for decade – She would have continued to get away with it, but she failed to screw one of her clients.

Oklahoma teen sets record for cow patty leap – He can keep his shitty record!

Minnesota weatherman leaves hanger in his suit – This would not be news except he was still wearing it.

Ohio Woman Accused Of Stabbing Boyfriend For Eating All The Salsa – She only stabbed him once…no double dip.

Cornell dean says ISIS welcome on campus – “Far above Cayuga’s Waters there’s an awful smell, some say its Cayuga’s waters, some say it’s …”

IRS Ethics Office Lawyer Disbarred For Ethics Violations – An unethical ethics lawyer?  Clearly this is the fake.

Adam West, Burt Ward promise return to Batman and Robin in 2016 – Holy utility belt Robin, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Portland Carpet has Celebrity Status – I should be famous, lots of people walk all over me.

Arkansas man's kidney failure stemmed from too much iced tea – Two months after I started ordering iced tea with dinner instead of scotch, I developed nasty kidney stones.  The doc told me to order lemonade.

Miss BumBum winner goes under knife to get virginity restored – Butt, Butt can you really do that?

 

*Thanks to Frog and Marty for Stupid Headline submissions.

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Last week’s fake was:

Kim K. Says spinach wrap helps plump her butt – She’s plump in the sittish cause she wraps up in spinach she’s Kim K the big can ma’am.

And the only winner:

fishducky

This week most of them sound fake, but I'd guess it's Kim K. Says spinach wrap helps plump her butt

If I am ever on “Millionaire” Fran will be my plus one!  Visit fishducky

@ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/

 

Eleven people guessed wrong, Sandee forgot to come back and guess, Val thought too long…again

Val

I've got my eye on Porn At Work for the fake. Those sites can be blocked, and if the workers are using their own devices, I'm pretty sure you can't infringe on their rights.

I was sorely tempted by Kim K the Big Can Ma'am, because what are the odds that such a headline would lend itself to your sophomoric comment?

And Stephen was disqualified for cheating, but gets credit for originality!

Stephen Hayes

I pick the melting snow statue. I don't care that this is last week's fake headline; this is the only way I can win.

Congratulate our winner and come back next week for more

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

THE GREAT EASTER EGG THEFT OF 2012 - an Easter re-run

THE GREAT EASTER EGG THEFT OF 2012

This Easter re-run is from April 2012

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY WILL COME ON MONDAY THIS WEEK

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
 

This year there have been two community Easter Egg Hunts called off because of over enthusiastic, overly competitive parents creating major disturbances and even fist fights on previous hunts.  How un-Christian like, particularly during Christianity’s most sacred holiday.

This Easter Mrs. Cranky, the two step-cranks and I celebrated with an all-day series of feasts and merriment at Mrs. C’s brother’s house.  All of Mrs. C’s immediate family, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews were present.

The food was great and the company was great.  One of the highlights of the day was an Easter egg hunt planned and organized by my Sister-in-law.  Over fifty plastic eggs filled with candy and cute Easter promises were hidden in the back yard.  Eggs had to be found and returned to a “home base” one at a time on a spoon to a bag clearly marked for each participant.

I immediately got into the spirit of the hunt and found and deposited three eggs in my bag.  At one point I got into a fight over an egg with my eleven year old niece Carli.  Fortunately I came to my senses and let go of the head-lock hold I had on this cute young lady and let her win the egg.  I returned empty-spooned to my bag content with my three egg conquest.

My bag was EMPTY!! 

This was a family-only event.  The eggs held only candy.  There was no money involved and yet it became so competitive that someone, I assumed a youngster, actually stole all three eggs from my bag.

What the thief didn’t know was that one of the eggs was unique from all the eggs hidden.  It was the only egg that was not a solid color. 

Of the nieces and nephews present, only Carli was under 21.  She was my first suspect.  Carli is very competitive.  She is also very honest and fair minded.  I was somewhat relieved when I checked her bag and did not see the multi-colored egg.

I knew the step-cranks well enough to be sure they would not stoop to egg thievery.  That left a nephew and a niece as my primary culprits.  Both were clean. 

I was shocked to realize that it was someone in the older generation that slunk to an egg stealing low.

We all proceeded to the dining room to open the eggs and read our Easter promises.  I had no egg.  I was handed two promise notes.  I had to promise not to fall asleep during family events (I had my fingers crossed on this one) and to refer to Mrs. Cranky as “My beautiful goddess that I worship the ground she walks on” for one day.

As we went around the table I watched intently for the owner of the stolen multi-colored egg.  I was shocked when I spotted it.  It was in the possession of the person I would have least expected.  I thought it might have been stolen as a gag, but the possessor of the egg was not a joker. 

Maybe the egg was stolen and planted on this person.  So I will not reveal their identity.  I can only wonder about the possible motive for this scurrilous act of egg thievery.*

What is it about Easter Egg Hunts that brings the competitiveness and larceny out of honest people?


*After much research and CSI clue analysis it has been determined that the egg thievery was simply a matter of a mistaken basket switch.  That is the story and we are sticking to it.