STUPID HEADLINES 072714

STUPID HEADLINES 072714

It is time once again for

"Was that wrong? Because if I knew it was wrong I never would have done that!"

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo.  'None of the above' may be a correct answer.

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Michelle Obama: “There is no crack in our pies” – That Michelle, always complaining about something.

Obama gives protection to gay, transgender workers – That doesn’t seem fair, what about heterosexual, transgender workers?

A Romanian Man’s House was stolen and replaced with a cornfield - Police are looking for David Copperfield.

Tree planted in memory of George Harrison felled by beetles – This was going to be my fake headline next week!

Nazi war crimes suspect hospitalized in the US – “Paging Doctor Ira Rosenblatt please come to the ER we have an emergency, but take your time, no rush…really.” 

Mayfly Emergence So Huge It Shows Up On Weather Radar – Damn, that is one friggin big Mayfly!

Alabama man claims genitals mistakenly amputated – Ah…ah…ah…CHOO! Oh shit!

 

Longhorns misspell 'Texas' in their 2014 football media guide – Texas coach says, “We play Football!  Spelling is not our strong smoot.”

 

London man eats 38 sticks of butter in 10 minutes breaking Guinness record - He broke the record for biggest case of diarrhea ever.

 

British inventor builds giant 'fart machine' to fire at France – Will they even notice with all that stinky cheese?

 

Nevada education system ranked last in nation, report says – When questioned about this study, Nevada Superintendent of Public Instruction Dale Erquiaga said, “That be rediculum!”

 

New Jersey Turnpike Authority sues over Florida pizza shop logo – Because people in Florida who are looking for the Garden State Parkway may buy a pizza instead!

 

 

*Thanks to Uncle Skip for a Headline submission!

 

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Last week’s stupid headline was:

Intoxicated South River man arrested for breaking into his own house – Well he thought he was breaking into his neighbor’s house.

And the only winner:

Slamdunk

I must have missed too many news stories from last week because I am not confident at all this time around. I am sure that some of the celebs spend way too much time thinking about themselves so I am guessing it is dude arrested for "breaking into his own house." One can't be charged for breaking and entering if you, the owner, are giving consent. 

Certainly, a male homeowner has been arrested more than once across the country for other stuff while "breaking into his own house"--but it is the other stuff that provides the actual legal charges.

Funny choices this week Joe.

It figures the Dude who posts analysis of interesting crimes would get this one! Follow Slamdunk @ http://theslamdunktrove.blogspot.com/

AND COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MORE

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

BAD STUFF HAPPENING…shouldn’t we do something?

BAD STUFF HAPPENING…shouldn’t we do something?

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with little knowledge on the subjects opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome, but will probably be ignored and please, no name calling.  That means you, you big stupid head!

Several issues in the news this week which call for my cranky opinion.

A passenger plane was shot out of the air over the Ukraine, apparently by Russian rebels supported by Russia.  This was horrible and action needs to be taken.  Should send troops to support Ukraine and declare war on Russia, or we should impose sanctions, or we should strongly object?  Clearly we should do something…shouldn't we?

Our borders are being overrun by illegal immigrants including thousands of children all expecting automatic acceptance.  I’m really not too sure what all this is about, but it seems like trouble.  Should we allow these poor people in our country and support them so they may eventually have a better life, the life we all feel as citizens we should be given the opportunity to lead?  Or should we round them all up and send them back where they came from.  One choice sounds untenable, the other sounds downright cruel.  We need to do something and something soon…shouldn’t we?

What a mess there is in the Middle East.  Hamas is firing rockets into Israel killing civilians.  Most don’t cause any damage because Hamas is kind of inept.  Israel is retaliating by sending bombs and troops into Gaza to root out the terrorist tunnels.  Should Israel be allowed to defend itself?  Well yes, but they are killing civilians.  Is Hamas killing its own citizens through human shields to make Israel look like the villain?  Well yes, but the whole situation is horrible.  Shouldn't we do something to stop this violence?

More gun violence in this country.  A nut job tried to shoot up a hospital and did manage to kill one and wound another.  He was shot by a doctor who was probably illegally armed.  Oh my, what to do.  Make guns illegal and strip every one of their arms?  Arm every one so nut jobs are quickly dispatched of as was in this case?  Shouldn't we do something?

Iraq is a mess again.  The last time we tried to fix that place we got rid of a horrible person who was horrible to his people and it seems he is being replaced by more horrible people.  Should we send in troops and stop the violence?  That didn't really work the last time, maybe we should become permanent policemen in this country, except the Iraqis don’t want that.  We should do something, shouldn't we?

OK, I know “What is your opinion Cranky?”

My opinion is I am damn glad I am not the President because even the right decisions whether to take action, voice stringent objections, or do nothing will be the wrong decisions.  I think I’ll just sit back and wait and then point fingers. 

I am a great quarterback on Monday morning.

The preceding was a non-opinion copout by a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!

PROUD HETEROSEXUAL MEN...come on!

I am a proud heterosexual male and have been so for as long as I can remember.  I will occasionally high five or fist bump another PHM.  I will occasionally let out a loud grunt of approval.  I will unleash a neanderthalian “YEAH!!” when my team scores.  I have even nudged another PHM when an attractive female passes by and commented that “Yeah, I’d tap that” when in fact I know that “that” is untappable by the likes of me.  It is just what PHM do.  It is pretty much required.

Still.

I am embarrassed by the current crop of PHM, especially those as seen on Reality TV.

When I see a bald fat man win a cooking competition, punch the sky, whoop it up, toss in a few YEAH’s and grunts while fist bumping and high fiving everyone within range, I cringe. 

“DUDE!! You cooked the best risotto! You did not win the World Cage Fighting Championship.”

I watched a bowling match the other day.  I love to bowl, but it is just rolling a ball at big sticks.  Throwing a ball is manly, hitting a ball is macho, rolling a ball is fun, but it is ROLLING A BALL.  The winner of this match wrapped up his victory by converting a single pin spare.  He jumped up and down, punched the sky, bent over and made a double fist while screaming ferociously,

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about, YEAH!!”

“Dude, well done, but it is bowling, you rolled a ball really well, relax, you are embarrassing all PHM.”

Recently I saw a guy correctly answer a “Wheel of Fortune” “Before and After” puzzle.  You would have thought he just won the Super Bowl.

“Damn Dude, man up and relax.  You won $1800 dollars and you beat two women, a Yippee would do.”

Look, real men don’t eat quiche.  Real men don’t cry…often.  Real men ogle, but try and be respectful and hide it.  Real men know how to give another real man a proper man hug (chest in, butt out, three thumps to the back and release) but real men do not over-react to simple successes. 

Simple success can be followed by a swift hand clap and can even include a “YES” if it is not a rub-it-in “YES.”  A simple win should be followed by “Nice game” and a hand shake, high five or fist bump.

Real men control their emotions as if to show their winning or success is commonplace. 

Uncontrolled jumping, sky punching, screaming, chest bumping and Ultimate Warrior facial expressions should be reserved for winning the Super Bowl, World Series, World Cup or any such once in a life time achievements.

Unless, of course, you do tap the untappable.