Fashion Rules For Men

Fashion Rules For Men

 

Last week Mrs. C. and I were going to a sleazy bar with friends to watch her favorite lounge entertainer (Tom Parella, an incredible acoustic guitar player and vocalist of ‘60’s, ‘70’s and 80’s music extraordinaire http://www.rmusic.com/unsigned/tom_parella.html.)

In preparation for this event, I took a chance and dressed myself.  In the usual men’s fashion thinking I chose my favorite shorts, olive green, and my favorite golf shirt, gray.  When Mrs. Cranky saw my outfit she responded in the usual woman’s tactful way, “You’re not going to wear that!  Are you?”

“Why no” I answered somewhat chuffed (I had to get that word in.  All the UK and Aussie mums use it); “I just thought it would be funny and everyone could have a good chuckle!” 

Actually being somewhat cranky I responded, “Yes, why the frig not?  Is there a fashion law?  Who makes those fashion laws?  The gay dudes on project runway who wear scarves, berets, striped balloon pants and silk shirts opened up to their belly buttons?  Sorry my balloon pants are at the cleaner, I lost my beret and it’s too friggin hot to wear a scarf!”

“Well OK!  I guess you ARE going to wear that….JERK!”

What is it with fashion?  Why is something that was chic, and in good taste in 2008 the stupidest, ugliest, dumbest combination of garments ever imagined in 2012? 

What is good taste?  Who decides?  Is it the same clown who convinced the world that Earth Shoes will make you live longer?  Who are the hemline police?  Why are wide lapels dumb one year and sophisticated the next?  Why can rock stars, movie stars, and artists wear whatever the fuck they want and it is always in style? Who owns the color wheel?  Why do 55% of the world (women and gay men) get to decide what men can wear?  I for one am going to rebel!

NEW RULES:

Olive green and gray go together just fine.

White socks and shorts are stylish.

The best way to dress up is find your favorite pants, your favorite shirt, your favorite socks, your favorite shoes and wear them!

New York Yankee hats make any outfit even better.

A vertical striped shirt can be worn with horizontal striped pants.

Tight pants and anything leather is just wrong.

Feathers are not allowed with the exception of a two inch plume on the side of a hat.

Anything with a flowered pattern is unacceptable.

A tee shirt worn with a sports coat is allowed only if you are a pretentious asshole.

The most important fashion rule for men….If you give a rat’s ass about what you wear you are thinking way too much!  Stop thinking; just wear what your wife tells you.      

HEADLINES 090212

HEADLINES 090212

It’s Sunday, time for CRANKY’S STUPID HEADLINES AND MY EVEN STUPIDER, SOPHOMORIC AND SOMETIMES OFFENSIVE COMMENTS.

 

 

86-year-old mob hitman on streets after 50 years behind bars – Will murder for food.

Ex-South Carolina governor to marry former mistress – Does his current mistress know about this?

Would you kiss Superman or Wonder Woman? – Please…this is easy…WONDER WOMAN!  Superman just doesn’t do it for me.

Another Republican steps into controversy over rape comments – As a republican I want to go on record confirming I am against rape, women can get pregnant from rape, there is no legitimate rape, and I am in favor of post-natal abortion for any rapist.

Member of 'Speed Freak' killer duo reportedly let out of prison to help search for victims – Wait…are these NEW victims?

Fired official from Bell, California, sues for $837G in sick, vacation pay- A $400,000+ executive wants to collect for sick pay?  Did this dude punch in and out every day?  Did he get time and a half for reading business e-mails at home?

Father's will states gay son must marry a woman – So in this case, where there’s a will there’s a gay?

Heinz seeing red – Well, yeah.  It is KETCHUP!!

Baby born in plane toilet named after Emirates Airline – The other choice was “American Standard.”

Bank worker gets fired for using fake dime decades ago – Come on…he’s not even a two-bit crook!

Can hurricanes make pregnant women go into labor? – Not if it is a “Legitimate” hurricane.

Romney’s low calorie speech: Long on fluff, short on substance – But it is healthy and good for you!

Obama says Republican ideas from "last century' – Cut the deficit, decrease unemployment, fair tax structure to increase revenues…same old ideas.

Mitt Romney promotes agenda for 'winning season' Mitt, Mitt its election time.  We all love football season, but get your priorities in order.

Romney to focus on debates while Democrats gather in Charlotte – Now that’s how to win a debate, have them when the other guy is outa town!

YOUR BABY IS A SOCIOPATH - a cranky re-run

(A GRANDPA JOE OBSERVATION)

There is a common misconception that a child is born innocent, sweet and pure.  A spoiled child, an evil adolescent or a sociopath adult is the result of bad parenting.  Parents spoiled the child or taught him to be demanding and unsocial.  A grownup who is mean, evil, and has no regard for others was taught to be that way by poor parenting.

It is true that a sociopath may be the result of poor parenting, but it is not true that poor parenting creates the sociopath.  Poor parenting fails to reform the sociopath.  The truth is that children from the time they are conceived are spoiled sociopaths.  Children have one driving instinct.  They have the instinct to survive.  They do not care who they hurt or what they break, they will do whatever it takes to eat, sleep and be taken care of.  They “love you” only because they need you.    

Mommy needs sleep?  I don’t care, “FEED ME!”  I broke that pretty glass thingy that mommy does not seem to want me to touch?  I don’t care, “FEED ME!”  I pooped my pants, “I don’t care.”  Something in my pants is uncomfortable, “I care, CHANGE ME!  FEED ME, CUDDLE ME, PUT ME TO BED! ME, ME, ME, ME!”

Your baby is a sociopath.  He was born a sociopath.  He cares not for others, he just wants!

Parents are not handed a lump of clay to mold into a loving caring human being.  They are handed a spoiled sociopath that they need to reduce to a lump of clay, and then rebuild into a loving caring human being while at the same time tending to his needs. 

This is a most difficult balancing act.  You must feed, clean and entertain.  You must respond to cries and whines, and at the same time be in control and be the boss.  You must put his needs above all others, be the provider and the protector and at the same time teach him to respect and care for others.  You must give him whatever he needs to survive.  You need to be ever diligent to jump up and protect him from the dangers of falling chairs and un-swallow-able interesting things.  You need to do all these things and yet somehow teach him that he will not always be the center of all creatures’ attention.

This is a most difficult assignment and the source of much parental frustration.  It is particularly frustrating if you think you are ruining a perfect human being.  It is important to realize you were handed a spoiled sociopath.  It is ok to not love everything about this sociopath. 

It is up to you to un-spoil and socialize this little creature before he is set loose on society.

Because

Your baby is a sociopath!