CRANKY GRANDPA JOE

CRANKY GRANDPA JOE

A cranky fairytale

Once upon a time there were five children. 

Tommy, the oldest, was very, very smart; maybe too smart, he corrected everyone on everything…usually he was right.

 Halley, the only girl, was very, very cute; maybe too cute, she was also smart but knew that cute got you more candy than smart. 

Graham was very, very good; probably too good, sneaky good, sometimes up to no good.

Cole was always very, very happy; maybe too happy, maybe smiled too much when someone else stubbed his toe. 

Connor, the youngest, was very, very quiet; maybe too quiet, he was always thinking something, something probably not good.

These five children had a Grandpa Joe who was very, very cranky; maybe too cranky for the five grandchildren that were too smart, too cute, too good, too happy, and too quiet.

The five children decided they were going to make Grandpa Joe un-cranky.

Tommy said, “Grandpa Joe, you shouldn’t be cranky; studies have shown that cranky people live 5.7 years less than people that are always happy.”

Grandpa Joe said, “You may be smart, but I am still cranky.”

Halley tilted her head, fluttered her eyelashes and said, “Grandpa Joe, you shouldn’t be cranky, how can you be cranky when I am so cute?”

Grandpa Joe said, “You may be cute, but I am still cranky.”

Graham said, “Grandpa Joe, you shouldn’t be cranky, I HATE it when you are cranky, how can you be cranky when I am so good?”

Grandpa Joe said, “You may be good, but I am still cranky.”

Cole said, “Grandpa Joe, how can you be so cranky when everything you see is so funny, you should be happy, not cranky.”

Grandpa Joe said, “You may think everything is funny, but I am still cranky.”

Connor did not say a thing.  Connor climbed up on Grandpa Joe’s lap, put his arms around his neck and gave him a huge hug.

Grandpa Joe smiled a big smile and said, “Now I am happy.  Whenever I get cranky I will think of how smart you are Tommy, how cute you are Halley, how good you are Graham, how happy you are Cole, and how quietly Connor shows his love.  You are ALL smart, cute, good, and happy, now everyone come and give me a hug and I won’t be cranky again.”

And Grandpa Joe was never cranky again…well hardly ever...OK, he was a lot less cranky…some of the time.

PTWD

 POST-TRAUMATIC WIFE DISORDER

The other day, while driving home from the grocery store with Mrs. Cranky, I saw a lady crossing the street to the parking lot with her husband.  This woman dropped her sunglasses on the street and began to rip her husband a new a-hole.  We could not hear what she was saying, but it could not have been good given her husband’s reaction.

The husband picked up the glasses as it seems he was directed to do and the wife continued to hammer him.  Mrs. C. thought the sight was funny, I was frozen in silence.

“Did you see that?”

“SILENCE”

“Joe….Joe…are you all right?”

“Wha ah what?”

“Are you alright?”

“Oh yeah…just a little flash back.  PTWD!”

“PTWD?”

“Post-traumatic Wife Disorder!”

The look on that husband’s face had taken me back to a place I have been trying to forget.  Many were the times that I was that man,  going along with my ex-wife, having a decent day when suddenly something would happen; I made a wrong turn, I said the wrong thing, I forgot to do something, I left something in a store, or she dropped and maybe scratched her sunglasses.  In a flash it was if I was with a different woman; a woman who lost all perspective of the issue at hand.  A woman whose reality was suddenly perverted and I was the perceived cause.  I was to blame for a molehill which unbeknownst to me was now a mountain.

Mrs. Cranky assured me it was not my issue.  The sunglasses which might be scratched and the angry lady were the stranger’s problem.

“It’s all right.  You’re safe.  You’ve messed up things with me for real like a hundred times and I still haven’t gotten angry with you have I?”

“No.”

“Come on, let’s just go home.”

I never thought much about soldiers with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which used to be called “Shell-shock.”  Now I understand it completely.  It may not be anywhere near as serious as what soldiers experience after they leave the battlefield, but Post-Traumatic Wife Disorder can be temporarily debilitating if not treated with a caring sane woman.

Fortunately I think I am on my way to recovery…but I do have setbacks.

STUPID HEADLINES 081912

STUPID HEADLINES 081912

We know you hate them, but I like them so here are this week's stupid headlines and my stupider, sophmoric and sometimes offensive comments:

Palin will not speak at Republican convention – Romney breathes sigh of relief

110-year-old Pa. widow gets WWI benefits boost -  Yee Ha…it’s party time in Pa.

Colorado Still Skinniest US State – This is ridiculous…Have you even seen NEW JERSEY?

Oregon man survives being compacted in dumpster—twice – Now that is getting trashed!

Parishioners sick of Alec Baldwin pontificating from pulpit – No, he is not a priest…but he played one on TV!

3D printer creates physical model of fetus for expecting parents – They make great paperweights.

300-pound Texas 12-year-old told he's too big to play Pee Wee football – Gee that doesn’t seem fair…oh wait what is the league called…um PEE frikin WEE!!

VP Biden Says Republicans Are 'Going to Put Y'all Back in Chains' – Who are these people that used to be in chains?

Pussy Riot supporters protest at Russian cathedral – Hmmm I’m not sure rioting ever solved anything, but I am in complete support of their cause.

1 of every 100 U.S. Caucasians has celiac disease – Black and Hispanic citizens demand equal celiac disease representation.

Scientists may have found the secret to a male birth control pill – Pill makes most women look like Justin Beiber.

Diverted Air France flight asks passengers to pitch in for gas – Passengers can accept no peanuts and paying extra for luggage…but pitching in for gas?

Exploding toilets prompt recall – Ordering your toilet from Al Qaeda Inc. is a really bad idea!