BARBADOS versus NEW JERSEY

BARBADOS Versus NEW JERSEY

After four days in Barbados celebrating my first wedding anniversary with Mrs. C, I have noticed some definite differences between Barbados and New Jersey.

In Barbados it is warm.  New Jersey is cold.  Even the rain in Barbados is warm.  The ocean is warm, the pool is warm.  The ocean is also crystal clear and calm.  In New Jersey the ocean is cold, cloudy and rough. 

I prefer the ocean in Barbados. 

In the Barbados hotel there is a one to one ratio of staff to guests.  In New Jersey one waitress covers ten tables.  In Barbados the service is slow.  In New Jersey service is very fast.  In New Jersey it is important for the service to be fast. 

In Barbados I don’t give a crap about fast service.

In Barbados the people speak with an unusual accent.  In New Jersey…OK, that one is a wash.

In Barbados the food is OK.  Italian food is meatballs and spaghetti;  Chef Boyardee’s is better.  In New Jersey (50 minutes from NYC) food is very good, but it is cold outside. 

I like the food in Barbados.

In Barbados no one is in a hurry.  The sun and ocean are warm today, they will be warm tomorrow.  In New Jersey everyone is in a hurry.  Get there quick before it snows, get there quick before it gets dark, go go go before the lines get long.  Quick go go hurry come-on!

I like not being in a hurry.

Crossing a busy highway in New Jersey is dangerous.  You have to wait for any opening and then run like hell across the street.  When cars see you do this they speed up, slam on the brakes, lean on the horn, roll down the window and call you an asshole.  In Barbados cars see you are trying to cross, they blink their lights and stop until you cross, then they wave and move on. 

I prefer crossing the streets in Barbados.

We leave this beautiful island paradise on Monday.  After seven days of warm sun and water, after seven days of relaxing slow but friendly smiling service, after seven days of safe street crossing, I look forward to going home to New Jersey!

Hey, the food is really good in New Jersey!   

THE COVER YOUR ASS INDEX

THE COVER YOUR ASS INDEX

What part of inflation is the result of “professionals” making decisions specifically designed to “Cover Their Ass?”  Professionals: doctors, lawyers, engineers, and even exterminators make decisions that they know are not needed except to cover their ass in the case of a bullshit lawsuit!

Years ago professionals acted….well….professionally.  If you did not need an x-ray, they would not order an x-ray.  If you did not need windows that could withstand winds in excess of 150 mph, they would not order them.  If you did not need insurance against a falling meteor your agent would not recommend it.  If there was no insect infestation in your house, the exterminator would give you a thumbs up.  If your car’s brakes were fine, your mechanic would not change them.  Today the professional’s first concern is “What could possibly go wrong and get my butt sued?”  They make decisions to “just be 100% sure” even though their expertise tells them additional tests, new brakes, or other such precautions are a 100% waste of money. 

When economists measure the rate of inflation they should adjust the rate based on the “Cover Your Ass Index.”  How much have prices risen based strictly on stuff that we actually need and not additional costs added by experts to COVER THEIR ASS.

What got this bug up my butt?  I recently sold my house as part of a divorce settlement.  The buyer’s lawyer wanted an adjustment of $800 to cover the cost of exterminating the carpenter ants on the property.  THERE ARE NO CARPENTER ANTS IN THAT HOUSE!  I DID NOT SEE ONE FREAKING CARPENTER ANT IN THAT HOUSE IN FIFTEEN YEARS!! 

Are there carpenter ants on the property?  Yes.  There is not one tenth of an acre of unpaved property from Maine to Florida that does not have a carpenter ant.  If you drive a wooden stake in the ground in New Jersey and come back in a year, you will have termites or carpenter ants in that stake.  The exterminator for the buyer (inspection required by state law) saw a carpenter ant.  If he does not include that observation in his report and there is infestation in the house five years later he could be sued.  What was his professional opinion on infestation IN the house?  Not relevant.  What is relevant is what a dumb-as-a-stump jury might believe five years from now. 

What will the exterminator do for the $800 of law suit insurance?  He will spray some shit around the house.  Woo-Tee-FN-Doo!  The effect of this spray on ants that do not exist is like a fart in a hurricane.  Zippity do dah nothing!

The “Cover Your Ass” index is rising. It gets more expensive every year.  The day may come when your dentist just yanks a tooth with a cavity.  No chance of infection that way.  Visit a doctor because you bruised your arm; we may just have to remove that limb, can’t take any chances can we? 

What do you hear at the end of every drug advertisement on TV?

Try Celebrant for people who just need a good night sleep!  “Celebrant may cause diziness, don’t take Celebrant if you plan to walk.  In a small percentage of Celebrant users loss of hair and or ears have been reported.  If you take Celebrant and feel the need to kill yourself, stop taking Celebrant and call 911.  Heart stoppage has been reported in some trials but it only lasted for 2-3 minutes.  If you experience heart stoppage of over 3 minutes….we are very sorry, but we warned you.  So ask your doctor about Celebrant (it’s his ass too) and enjoy a good night sleep for the first time in years! (Some small percentage of Celebrant users never wake up.)

It is not important what is in your best interest, what is important is that experts COVER THEIR ASS!

YELLING AT THE TV

YELLING AT THE TV

Am I the only one that yells at the TV?  Mrs. Cranky thinks that I am.  I only recently started yelling at the TV.  I think yelling is a product of age.

I watch a quiz show and I have to yell.

“What bird can swim, but not fly?”

a.      Eagle

b.     Seagull

c.      Penguin

d.     Seal

“Gee Regis let me think.  An eagle can fly, and some dive to catch fish, but I don’t think they can swim.  Hmmm a seagull is around water; I don’t think a seal is even a bird.  Er ah…”

“PENGUIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT IT’S A FUCKING PENGUIN!!  THESE ARE THE EASY ONES YOU DIPSHIT!!”

Mrs. Cranky downstairs washing dishes gets panicky, “WHAT?  WHY ARE YOU YELLING?”

“THIS NUMBNUTS IS TAKING FOREVER TO ANSWER AN EASY QUESTION.”

Mrs. Cranky, out of breath from running up the stairs counters, “Its TV!  I T  I S  A  T V  S H O W.  Why are you yelling?”

I don’t know why I yell, I never used to yell.  When you get older you have no patience.  I feel like I am losing two and a half minutes of my life that I will never get back waiting for some freaking idiot to say “penguin.”  So I yell.

I yell at movies, “DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT YOU IDIOT.  WHEN YOU HEAR HEAVY BREATING, GO THE OTHER WAY!!

I especially yell at commercials, “FUCK YOU BITCH; HE PAID FOR THE YOGURT LET HIM EAT IT!!”

I don’t yell at home.  I don’t yell in stores.  I don’t yell in the car (maybe a little), I don’t yell at the radio, and I don’t yell at what I read.

What is it about getting older that makes me yell at the TV?