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Tuesday, June 21, 2011



I know we are in a recession.  People are out of work.  People are tightening their belts and constantly looking for ways to cut costs.  And yet I get the summer catalogs full of stuff that I am assuming somebody is buying.  Who in the name of Bill Gates is buying this shit?

COOL OFF OUTSIDE with an outdoor air cooler for only $179.99:

What summer party could not use an outdoor air cooler?  Say it’s 98F outside, people are sweating and complaining; just turn on your outdoor air cooler and watch that temperature drop to 97F within a 6 foot radius.  Ah…relief and for only $179.99.  “HEY close the door to the house damn it, your letting all the cool air in!!”

KEEP THE ICE COMING at your next party with a commercial quality electric ice maker; makes 35 pounds of ice a day for only $199.99. Do you need this much ice when you have an outdoor air cooler?  OK, but 35 pounds?  If you need 35 pounds of ice, cater the fucking party and let the caterer worry about the ice!  For a normal party it’s not that hard to make ice.  It’s called freezing water!  If you know you are having a party, make it ahead of time for free.

ENJOY 90 SQUARE FEET OF INSECT FREE LIVING SPACE with your backyard gazebo and mosquito netting, $289.99.  Hmmmm if there are that many mosquitoes maybe it’s time to take the party inside; or do you really need the netting when you have:

 A DYNATRAP ELIMINATOR XL $199.99 - traps and eliminates mosquitoes for up to one acre.    

For those who like the outdoors, but don’t want their feet to touch icky stuff you can buy ALL WEATHER RUGS. They stand up to sun and rain, $239.99 for 8x10 coverage.

If you don’t know what time it is and you don’t have a watch, buy the OVERSIZED ALL WEATHER CLOCK only $79.99.

Do you need a little outdoor ambiance?  Then you need our UNIQUE GARDEN FOUNTAIN (electric or solar) $349.99.  Trust me, nothing like the good old outdoors, a couple of beers, and the sound of trickling water to get your guests a jiggling.  Lock the doors to your bathroom for added fun!

CREATE AN OUTDOOR OASIS with lighted palm trees and parrots - 2 6’ trees and 2 parrots - $249.99.  What is an outdoor party without fake palm trees and fake parrots lit up with multicolored lights?

If your swimming pool is not enough fun for the kids, you can buy a FLOATING TABLE TENNIS SET.  This 5’ floating table, net, 2 paddles and 3 balls is all for only $79.99.  Imagine the fun of chasing down ping pong balls for those little brats in the pool.  What fun!  We all know a FUCKING SWIMMING POOL isn’t enough!

And my personal favorite:

Enjoy BIG SCREEN action in your backyard with the COMPLETE HOME OUTDOOR THEATRE!  Imagine, your own 120” diameter blow-up screen and MovieMate portable projector DVD player all for only $999.98.  The screen inflates in minutes; inflating blowers, stakes, tethers and even a storage bag are included!

WOW, what a party!  All in your air cooled, 35 lbs of ice, insect free, carpeted fountain running oasis.  You have table tennis in the pool for the kids and HEY, I see by the giant all weather clock its outdoor movie time!  All for only $2869.89!!

Did I hear thunder?
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