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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Cranky Old Man's Tips on Household Chores

Cranky Old Man's Tips on Household Chores

(Ladies, some of this may seem sexist; please do not read this blog!)

As I am now retired, it is increasingly difficult to avoid household chores.  If I have to do these chores, at least I will do them my way.  For all of you other retired cranky old retired men facing the same requirement to do household chores I offer these tried and true tips:

Laundry – Women have been indoctrinated in the belief that you must separate whites from colors when doing the wash.  They learned this at a young age and the indoctrination is so strong that no woman has ever dared to experiment.

The truth is that except for the first two washings, colored items can be mingled with the whites.  The whites will remain white, the colors will not bleed.  I repeat, there is no need to separate the colors when doing a wash load.  Not separating the colors saves time and money.

Men….if your wife is monitoring your laundering, you must separate the colors.  She will never believe the above axiom even if you demonstrate it for her.  She will see bleeding whether it exists or not. 

You must only fail to separate when she is not watching.

In fact, every once in a while I recommend you take a new purple shirt and mix it with an old crappy white tee shirt.

“Damn!!  What happened?”

“Oh Sweetheart, you poor stupid thing; don’t you know not to mix colors with whites?”

“Oops, I forgot.  Sorry.”

This will make your spouse feel extra important, and maybe get you out of occasional laundry duty.

Dishes – Doing dishes is a relatively easy chore if you remember just a few things. 

1.     You will never be able to load a dishwasher correctly.  You must just load it and run it before the inspector tries to squeeze in an extra knife or dish.

2.    If you do not want to get caught with inadequate dishwasher loading, you must unload as soon as the washer is done.

3.    If you do not know where a dish goes, do not put it away.  It is better to leave it for your wife than to try and remember where you put it two weeks later.

4.    Do not touch the Tupperware.  You could safely put Tupperware in the dishwasher, but there is a prevailing belief among women that this will spoil the seal and ruin the burp.  Do not challenge this belief.

5.    Every once and a while, put a dish in the washer without adequately scraping off the morning’s dried egg yolk.  Put the dish away even though the egg did not come off in the wash.  This will keep the illusion that you are helpless without the inspector wife.  She will appreciate this in the long run.

Vacuuming – This one is a bit tougher.  Women demand that a freshly vacuumed carpet have vacuum lines.  I don’t know why, just accept it.  It is perfectly OK to vacuum willy nilly but when finished, you must quickly go over everything to leave the correct lines.  Sometimes if I have time, as a goof, I put in criss cross lines.  The criss cross lines subliminally reminds a women of the lines in a grass football or baseball field.  This disturbs most women and they do not know why. 

Hey, they do stuff like that to us, we just don’t know it!

When vacuuming, do not think you don’t have to vacuum under stuff.  These places will be the first areas the inspector wife will check.

Making the bed – Unless you were in the service, do not even attempt this chore.  Bed making can never be done to a women’s standard.

Dusting – Please!! Do not stoop this low.  If you have to dust, do it in a skirt!

Ironing – Don’t fall for this, even women don’t iron any more.

Washing the floors – Spray the floor with Windex, put on an old pair of white socks, get a mop and a folded up sock and play floor hockey for about twenty minutes.

Cleaning the Bathroom – Windex on everything.  Wipe clean with a paper towel.  Use bleach to rid any mold from shower curtains and the tub.  Remember, no matter how much you clean, there are little hairs floating around all bathrooms waiting for you to be finished before they fall to the ground.  Your wife will find them no matter what you do, just be prepared to apologize.

These are my little tricks, now get the fuck out of the house and go play golf!

Hey lady, don’t get angry, I told you not to read this blog!
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  1. Gee, I have to say I have done so of these things. Funny post.

  2. oh i am so guilty about being a stickler about so many of these things.
    omg, the way my husband loads the dishwasher? Could not be more different from the way i put stuff in there. It's like some XX vs XY chromosome thing.
    As for ironing, you got me. It's got to be pretty desperate times if I'm ironing something.
    Thanks for lining up! Entertaining as always

  3. OMG! This cracked me up because I can relate on a few things. First couple of loads- it gets washed with 'like colors', otherwise it all goes through together. If it was going to bleed, it would have already.

    The dishwasher- I load it to the brim. I also do not keep anything that can't go through. If it didn't get clean the first time around- it goes through until it does. Why not?

  4. What One Bad Pixie said.

    My boys could not care less if they have to wear a purple-stained, crappy white tee-shirt. I go with the flow.

  5. I am over from the blog hop! Because I am a bit of a slob I never used to separate coloreds from whites until I got married and my husband complained that all his whites turned grey. You should have married a lady slobette like me!

  6. I learnt a few housekeeping tips Cranky! It must be said that there is an art to dishwasher stacking and very few XYs have mastered it! Thanks for Rewinding x

  7. How did you learn all of our secrets? I learned a few things here, too. What better way could there be for washing a floor?

  8. Insert husband wherever you said wife and you have an accurate picture of life around my house. My husband is the neat freak, and I am forbidden to load the dishwasher in his presence.

  9. Haha - I love it Cranky Old Man! So so true - "Dude, for the last time, stop messing with my Tuppaware!"