THE STARBURST CONSPIRACY

THE STARBURST CONSPIRACY

Mrs. Cranky likes Starbursts, a mouth watering juicy delight of a candy.  Recently she has taken to bringing a bag of a new chicklets sized Starburst Mini's as a bed time snack.  As much as I have been trying to sharply reduce my daily intake of sugar, I do submit to a handful of Starbursts from time to time.

There are four flavors of Starbursts in a package of the chicklet sized candy; lemon, orange, strawberry and cherry.  I like all the flavors, though cherry is my favorite.  Mrs. Cranky does not like lemon.

Yesterday Mrs. Cranky handed me my own bag of Starbursts. 

“Instead of bothering me for a candy, I bought you your own bag.”

Of course I whined (because that is what I do) that now I would have no control over how many I ate and I didn’t want all that extra sugar.  Mrs. Cranky told me to just show some control because she was tired of being the keeper of the candy and being responsible for my portion control.

You may be thinking, "Holy Hannah what a stupid argument."  You may be right.

Anyway, I now have my own individual bag of Starbursts by my bed side.

Last night I reached into my own personal bag and pulled out three yellow candies.  Not my favorite, but good enough for me to want more so I reached in and pulled out three more candies…all yellow.  I shrugged off this coincidence until my next grab produced three more yellow candies.

“Wait a minute!  Why are all my candies yellow?  The package shows four colors are supposed to be inside.”

“…….”

“There are no other flavors in my package, only lemon!”

“……”

“Did you go through the packages and switch all the other flavors with lemon?”

“……”

“YOU DID!”

“There’s a red in your package.”

“Really, how do you know?  What...did you leave one red just to throw me off?”

“Maybe.”

“Now who is the jerk?”

“Still you.”

CRANKY DRESS EXPERTISE

CRANKY DRESS EXPERTISE

Followers of this blog probably know that this cranky old man knows a lot about wedding dresses.  That’s right; I am in touch with my feminine side.  I know about wedding dresses because Mrs. C watches a TV show “Say Yes To the Dress.”  Mrs. C allows me to watch golf and football without complaining, so I endure “Say Yes To The Dress.”

I know all about dresses, “ruching,” “crumb catchers,” “Princess Dress,” “Mermaid style,” I know them all.  I’m not sure about what a “beaded bodice” is, but I love to say it.  Beaded bodice...Beaded bodice.

There are a couple of terms I’ll never understand.  They have been explained to me, but I still don’t get it.  “Couture” and “fashion forward.”

I think these are just terms designers use to keep you off balance and make you feel inferior.  It is like in the “Emperors’ New Clothes” nobody really knows what these terms mean, but no one wants to admit it.

Couture has been explained to me as classy, unique and not cheap.  Hmmm…classy is in the eye of the beholder, and in fashion if unique is popular it will soon be mass produced and sold at a less expensive price, so couture really just means “EXPENSIVE.”  When someone says, "I want something a little more couture," what they are really asking for is something that looks more expensive.

 “Fashion Forward” is a design that is different and is pushing the direction of where the next big fashion statement is going. 

What a bunch of gobble-dee-gook!

How do you know something is “fashion forward” until the next fashion statement arrives?”  You can look back on a dress and say "That was fashion forward," or you can realize it was a piece of crap that no one would ever want to imitate.  You might as well just say, "I want something that is the future of design...whatever that will be."

Like I said; gobble-dee-gook!

One thing I have learned from this show; Brides…do not bring your gay friend to help pick out a dress.

The gay friend does not give a dang about what you want, he is just fulfilling a gay dream at your expense.  This is his chance to exert his gay card and he is determined to go to the wedding and tell everyone, “I picked out the dress; you should have seen the hideous thing she wanted before I pointed out how dreadful it was!”

The gay friend will put the kibosh on anything the bride picks out by planting an image that ruins any choice the bride might like.

“Oh honey, it looks like some fluff just threw up all over it.” Or “Attention K-Mart shoppers!” Or “I’m sure all the Grandma’s will love it.”

The gay friend always wants bling, wow factor and ka-pow, but he wants his bling, his wow factor and his ka-pow…whatever the heck bling, wow factor and ka-pow is.

Enough of this fashion banter and my feminine side.  While I was writing this I have consumed several cans of a very masculine brand of beer.

I must excuse myself to go sit down and pee.

Muffin Mayhem

Muffin Mayhem

I don’t think I have ever gone to a supermarket and not been annoyed at something.  Granted it does not take much to annoy me.  Today I got annoyed at something new.  I am used to shopping carts left in the middle of aisles where you cannot pass, I have gotten over people ripping the husk off the corn to get the best ear…ok, I have not gotten over that, but the corn is not in season at this time, and I try to ignore people with twelve items checking out of the ten item or less lane. 

I now have a new supermarket peeve.

At the bakery section there are several kinds of muffins on display under a plastic display case.  Next to the display case is a box of wax paper squares and a sign directing you to use the wax paper to pick out your muffin.  Now I generally look into the case, decide which type of muffin I want, then decide which specific muffin of that type looks the biggest and then reach in and grab that muffin. 

I do not use the wax paper square.  Go ahead and judge me.  I never touch another muffin, only the one I am going to purchase.  Why would I waste a wax paper square?  Using a wax paper square just to grab a muffin cannot be good for the environment, it is just silly.

However, when picking out my muffin, I find if there are people around I will use the square.  I can just feel the judgmental eyes on me and I don’t want some holier than thou d-bag chastising me; so if I am being watched I will use the wax paper square.

Then I go from the muffin bin to fruits and vegetables. 

In this section people are grabbing and squeezing the fruit and putting it back.  Why is this OK?  Why do I have to grab my muffin with wax paper when others are squeezing my tomatoes and testing the firmness of my apples?  Yes, I can wash my tomato and my apple and you can’t really wash a muffin, but there is no reason to test poke and squeeze a muffin.

I’ve had it with these dumb rules at a store where common sense and manners are routinely ignored and I am not going to put up with it any longer. 

From now on I am grabbing my muffin with my bare hands.  If anyone wants to complain I will give them a piece of my logical mind!  When I pick out my tomatoes and apples, if I need to poke, squeeze and prod I will use a wax paper square.  If I see anyone poking, prodding or squeezing bare handed, I will give them the evil eye stare.

That’s right, I’m a rebel!