Mystery Solved

Mystery Solved

I have many sets of glasses for driving and watching TV.  I can get around without these glasses, but they do make vision at distances over eight feet more comfortable.  I also have three pairs of readers.  I don’t need them except for really small print.  Since I spend so much time without needing glasses, I leave a pair of both kinds on each floor of the house, so I always have them handy when I do need them.

Yesterday I could not find one pair of the distance glasses.

“I can’t believe I am missing a pair of glasses.”

“Could you have left them somewhere outside the house?”

“No, I wore them bowling and driving home.  I would miss them driving so I know I had them.  They have to be in the house.”

“Did you check all the bathrooms, sometimes you leave them there?”

“Yup.”

“The car.”

“No way, I always wear them into the house.”

“They’ll turn up somewhere.”

“If they are missing, it must be your fault.”

“Why my fault?”

“Because I can’t blame myself, isn’t that what wives are for…blame?”

“You’re a jerk!”

“Wait.  When I was bowling, you called and said for me to call you at work when I got home.  Then I called and you wanted me to give you some information on size and model of your workout sneakers.”

“Yes…so?”

“So I had to get my readers to see the information on the inside of your shoe.”

“Yes…so?”

“So I had to take off my regular glasses and get the readers.  I called you from the front door.  I must have taken the glasses and put them somewhere by the door.  See, it was your fault”

“Why was that my fault.”

“You distracted me.  You know I can’t change my routines.”

“Just go see if that is where you left your glasses.

I went to the front door and did not find them.  Then I went over to where her sneaker was.  I found the glasses.  If I hadn’t been able to backtrack my movements, I would not have found these glasses for months.

They were on a living room chair, a chair that we never sit on.

If I really needed glasses, I would not have found these.

Best in Show…REALLY?

Best in Show…REALLY?

I love The Dog Show.   By “The” dog show I guess I mean the Westminster Dog Show, that seems to be the big one, but there are many dog shows.  People love their dogs, they love to show their dogs. I love watching them show their dogs.

I do have a beef with these shows.  The choice of “Best in Show.”

If I understand it correctly the dogs compete in various categories.  The winners of those categories then compete for the best dog in the show.

To me, every dog in these shows is beautiful in its own way.  The best of breed is picked as the dog that most meets the requirements of that particular breed.  The best of breeds then compete in their own group category, for instance “Herding Group” or “Sporting Group.” Finally, the best in groups compete for best in show.

The best in show is usually the most poofy, fluffy, dandy of a sissy dog, or one of the ugliest breeds known to the vast dog world.

Poodles, Bichon Frises, Papillons and Pekinese are always in the running.  Terriers are loved by the judges for their coats and regal tail in the air trot.  The judges love these fluffy brushed out fancy dogs.

Every once in a while, to deflect from the fluffy dog image, the winner is a Bloodhound, a Pincher, or even a Deerhound.  Nice dogs, but come on, they are not attractive dogs, they are a bit ugly and almost no one actually owns one of these breeds unless they are tracking escaped convicts, deer, or who knows what a pincher is good for.  Occasionally the judges choose an ugly dog as proof that they judge based on breed perfection, not just “pretty Dogs.”

The other day, the best in show winner of a National Dog Show was a Bulldog.  Now I love bulldogs.  They are lovable big mushes of a breed, but really…What are the requirements of a bulldog? Bowlegs? Slobbery smushed in face? Crooked jaw with bottom teeth sticking out?

I love bulldogs, but they should never be BEST in any show!

Meanwhile, the most popular dog breed in this country for the last forty years are the Labrador and Golden Retrievers.

These are beautiful, playful, working dogs.  Great with children and families and hunting dogs to boot.  A Golden or a Lab has not won best in show in any major dog show EVER!

The most popular dog breeds in the country for like FOREVER has not once won a beauty contest which is the most subjective contest in the world.  There is no talent portion, no political question asked, no parading in a fancy collar, just trot around a circle and don’t bite the judge. 

Not one Lab or Golden has ever won? Ridiculous.

The Labrador and Golden Retrievers are the Susan Lucci’s of dog shows.  I’ve had it.  Until one of these great breeds wins Best in Show, I am done with the Dog Show. 

THE DRIVE-IN

THE DRIVE-IN

 When I was a young lad with a newly acquired driver’s license the place to go was the drive-in.   In New Jersey there were drive-ins a-plenty.  Within a ten mile radius of my home there were three drive-ins. 

The Amboy drive-in’s giant screen was highly visible from the northbound Garden State Parkway when approaching the Driscoll Bridge.  In the 70’s the Amboy Theater occasionally showed X rated movies.  I don’t recall any accidents, but traffic over the bridge often backed up during certain scenes.

Generally the drive-ins showed two movies, one would be a crappy Annette Funicello "Beach Something" movie, the other would be a seriously crappy movie.

We didn’t go to the drive-in for the movies, we went there for the freedom to be kids; kids in our own cars without rules.  There was no one to shush us, no one to tell us that we couldn’t smoke, couldn’t sneak in some rum and coke, or couldn’t just ignore the screen and make out with your date.  

The seven words that would ruin any Saturday night were, “Why don’t we just watch the movie?”

My first drive-in experience was with my parents and brothers at about the age of five, “Gone with the Wind.” I fell asleep after an amputation scene.  I’m pretty sure that scene ruined any chance of my ever becoming a surgeon. 

Years later I entered the drive-in from hiding in the trunk of a car to avoid paying for a ticket.  I don’t think the theaters minded, regardless of how many people were in a car, the car only took up one space…more kids meant more popcorn sold.   We thought we were beating “The Man,” and the owners sold extra bags of 2 cent popcorn for 25 cents.  Now that was a “win-win.”

Later, the drive-in became the venue of choice for getting close with your best girl.  A lot of action went on during those crappy movies, but I never came close to needing that precaution I bought from Billy Hopkins for a dollar.  It remained in my wallet leaving a telltale ring which told all your friends, “Yeah, I’m prepared…just in case.”

My last trip to the drive-in came when my first born was still a baby.  What money we saved by not needing a baby-sitter,  we paid in frustration because that little dickens cried during the whole show. 

I think there are still a few drive-ins left, but they are clearly not long for this world.  Movie theaters in general may not last verses the competition of DVD’s, Netflix, and paid TV; drive-ins do not stand a chance as real estate becomes more valuable. 

I guess the drive-in’s time is past.  Hell, you can park anywhere and watch the latest movie on your i-phone.  There is no need to sneak in anywhere when it is free on the internet, and the internet doesn’t know who you are or where you are.  Want to get away with your best girl?  Apparently there is no longer a need for any “movie” pretense.

I pretty much experienced the circle of life at the drive-in theater. 

I saw my first movie at a drive-in.  I thumbed my nose at “the man” for the first time by hiding in a trunk and sneaking in to the drive-in.  I smoked my first cigarette at the drive-in and drank too much booze for the first time at the drive-in.   I experienced my first outside boobage at the drive-in, and I tried to rock my first baby to sleep at a drive-in.

Good-by drive-in theaters.  We just do not need you anymore.

Still I am glad you were around when I was growing up.

re-run from December 2013