One IF By Air, Two if it Lands

One IF By Air, Two if it Lands

Hot time, summer in the suburbs, back of my head getting buzzed by one dang fly! 

I hate it when a fly gets in the house.  These days of screens and no kids running n and out, we do not get many flies in the house; when we do neither of us can relax.  Mrs. C is obsessed with eliminating the fly.  I become obsessed with eliminating the fly.

Late in the summer, the fly elimination is easy.  Those flies are big and fat and slow.  They always head for the glass door and buzz at it trying to get out.

Stupid fly…SWAT, SPLAT, fly is eliminated.

Early summer, the flies are smaller, faster and have greater endurance.  They do not head for the glass door to escape as quickly and they often bump and run where we do not see them.

We had one of these today.  

Mrs. C grabbed the swatter and waited by the door in case the fly tried to flea…(see what I did there?).  I wandered through the kitchen with my electric swatter, randomly slashing in the air, sometimes you get lucky and zap the bugger.  I actually did get a spark, probably a no-see-um thing.

Bzzzzapp! 

“Got him!”

ZZZZzzzzzZZZZ

“No, I didn’t.”

I continued to flail away at the air hoping for a lucky shot.

“Stop…over here, he is over here around the glass door.”

I swatted at the air around where he was last spotted when,

SMACK!

Mrs. C got him with one try as he tried to escape through the glass.

Sometimes you have to double team the little ones.

We shall sleep well tonight.

I DO IT MY WAY

I DO IT MY WAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egY8rUpxqcE

Guys, do you argue with your wife about how to do a household chore? 

I work at home, my wife is near

The fate I face, is almost certain

And to all, I’ll say it clear

If I do it wrong, I will be hurtin

I’ve been told, my way is bull

It is her way, or else the highway

I know for sure, she will be pissed, but I do it my way

I am not a Sinatra fan, but when I have chores around the house I cannot get this song out of my head.

It is not my wife; it is all women, or at least all women I’ve ever married.  Chores must be done the wife’s way. 

If a women is around do not even bother loading the dishwasher.  Wait until she leaves the room.   Then load it and quick start it up.  When it is finished you must also unload.  If you don’t she will see and complain that you put knives in pointy end up.  She will laugh at your poor usage of space and complain that you wasted water doing the last six glasses by hand…then she will rewash those six glasses.  You will be assaulted for putting Tupperware in the washer and assailed for having to fingernail scrape baked-on breakfast egg.

She is gone, there’s a job to do

I do it with, all good intention

I do what I have to do, and I do it with my own invention

She will say your way is worse; you turn a job in to a play-day

It’s more, much more than this, I do it my way

I will do laundry, but I will not separate.  I will jam the machine till it bursts, add soap and nothing else.  As long as she doesn’t see, then colors never run and everything comes out white, bright, stains outta sight.

“Yes, I separated.  Yes I used color guard.  Yes I did multiple loads I said I separated didn’t I? Damn, I know how to do laundry.”

Yes, there are times I lie.  She can’t tell

The clothes are clean, they do not smell

The job is done, there is no doubt

I chewed it up, and I spit it out

I had to dare, to grow a pair, and do it my way

I will clean bathrooms but only when she is at work.  Everything is sprayed with Windex, and the floors are mopped by wearing old socks and doing my best imitation of the New York Rangers.

The toilet’s clean without Ajax

The sink is bright, the mirror clear

I finished up, I wipe my brow, and I have a cold beer

The difference is like night and day

The best part of all, I have to say

Because you were gone, I did it wrong

But I did it my way

The lyrics are bad, the meter wrong

I never said, I could pen a song

Guys I know, you get the point

Don’t do a job, till she leaves the joint

She’ll never know, just let her go

And do it your way

Scooby Dooby Do Baby!

Re-run from July 2014

It Is My Money And I Need It Now

It Is My Money And I Need It Now

“It is my money, and I need it now!”

TV is saturated with this commercial for people receiving a monthly payout or a future annuity who want to collect a lump sum of money now. 

This is a great idea if you placed a bad bet on the Super Bowl and a guy named Bruno wants a bunch of money or he is going to break your leg.

It is a great idea if you need a major car repair in order to get to work every day.

It is “Your money”, but do you really NEED it now, or do you just want it now?  Do you want to give up on a steady income or future retirement funds so you can get a riding lawn mower, or vacation in the Dominican Republic, or spend money like a big shot?

I don’t know how these deals work.  I assume the company factors the amount of money promised over a period of time and current interest rates, places a lump sum value on the payout and delivers that lump sum minus a large commission in exchange for those payouts.

It’s your money, and you are selling a big chunk of it because you WANT it now!

If you could reject Social Security and replace it with a personal investing program, you could retire in style when the time comes instead of receiving a pittance.  The problem with that plan is so many people will NEED/want that money now, and it will never make it to retirement.

Too many young people do not contribute to 401K plans, because they NEED/want that money now.

Build up equity in your home?  Reverse mortgage…it’s your money and you NEED/want it now.

We are saddled with debt these days.  We are bereft of savings.

When I graduated from college, I received a Visa card from my bank.  It was good for whatever money was in my account.  After a year I had a credit line of $300.

Today people graduate with massive student loans, and significant lines of credit.  Many use this credit to the max because “They NEED/want the money now.”

I wonder, is the high expense of College a function of the ease to pay for it through credit?  Are we going into debt to become “Relationship Experts” or “Historians of Diversity in America?”

Are credit cards maxed out because we NEED/want expensive vacations, fancy cars, the best of everything?

There are many people driving a Lexus, a BMW, or other high-end car at 2 or 3 hundred dollars a month more than a Honda?  How many of those people have debt and zero savings? How much nicer is that car that you pay through the nose even though you have debt and no savings?

It is easy to get credit; it is also very expensive to get it.  I suppose there is plenty of time to pay it back.

It will be your money someday, and you probably NEED/want it now!

Thanks to massive money spent on anti-smoking campaigns use of tobacco is rapidly declining.  It is no longer cool to smoke.  There is no longer peer pressure to smoke.  Couldn’t we also educate people about the scourge of debt?  We should make un-needed debt the same pariah that we have made smoking.

Maybe the Government will bail people out and simply pay for it further down the road.

I wonder where that money will come from?  If it is MY money, I want it now!