COURT TV

COURT TV
WHAT WOMEN AND MEN REMEMBER

This re-run is from June 2012

Based on my extensive observation of reality TV judge shows, I have concluded that women remember details, men remember shit.  Women particularly remember details when an event affects them emotionally. 

Judge Judy: When did your wife catch you with this other women?

Husband: It was around November.

Wife (interrupting): It was October 18^th your honor…Thursday…at 1AM.

Judge Alex: Mr. Smith, you say your girl friend gave you money to fix the car as a gift.  How much did it cost to fix the car?

Dude: Ah…around one thousand dollars.

Girl friend (interrupting): It was a loan your honor and it was one thousand two hundred and twelve dollars…and 87 cents.  It was on a Tuesday…April 12^th…at 4PM…

Judge Karen: Sir, where were you when the plaintiff said you bumped into her car?

Dude: I was headed north bound on Main at the corner of Elm and Pine.

Lady (interrupting): Your honor…It was west bound, Main does not run north to south…and it was on the corner of Beeker Avenue and Elm…it was December 4^th…Friday…12:06PM…I was wearing a green skirt and a white blouse.

Judge Marylyn Milian: Mr. Smith…how long were you and the defendant seeing each other before you decided to move in together.

Dude: It was about six weeks your honor.

Lady (interrupting): Your honor it was 47 days…7 hours…and 22 minutes.  It was on a Thursday.  It was a cloudy day. 

Women also always act as if the man’s lack of knowledge of detail is an indicator of his guilt.

Judge Judy: Sir, how often do you see your daughter?

Dad: Once a week and every other weekend your honor.

Mom: Your honor, he doesn’t even know our daughters shoe size!

Judge Joe Brown: Now Mr. O’Brian could you describe the vehicle that forced you to pull into Mrs. Brown’s lane and require her to take evasive precautionary action which due diligence was clearly necessary in this particular situation and resulted in the damage to both objects of transportation.

Dude:  What? (Judge Joe Brown will always use seven words when one will do.)

Judge Joe Brown: Did you see the car that caused the accident?

Dude:  Oh, it was a two door blue Lexus.

Lady (interrupting): It was mint green your honor…with a black pin stripe! Judge Joe Brown, he doesn’t even know it was a BMW!

Women not only remember minutia, they save records of EVERYTHING.

Judge Judy: Sir did you promise to repay your then girlfriend, or do you contend she gave you the money?

Dude: It was a gift your honor.

Ex-girlfriend: Your honor I have text messages saying it was a loan, I have a voice message saying he would repay the loan and I have a napkin with his signature guaranteeing he would repay the loan.

Guys just admit:

It was not a gift, you were seeing someone else, you stole the cell phone, you meant to hit her, you trashed the apartment, you are a drunk, you burned the couch because you smoke dope, and you never intended to call her back.  Oh, and you don’t bathe, you fart a lot, and you never held a job in your life.

OR

Stay out of TV Courts!

It is Definitely not ME

It is Definitely not ME

Mrs. C does not give great directions.  She knows where to go, and what to do, she is just not good at letting others know where to go or what to do.  I think her brain operates differently from the rest of the normal world, and she assumes too much when communicating.

I often complain to her that she gives horrible directions.  She says I am just stupid.  She is partially correct, but mostly the problem is her.  Something today confirmed it to me.

We had to replace a flat tire on her car.  It was the front tire and she felt we should replace both front tires so they would be even.  That made little sense to me, but she is often right about things like this so I kept quiet.  I did not want to replace all  the tires as they had at least 15,000 miles left in them.  I mentioned I thought we might consider getting a new car next year, no sense getting all new tires.

She says to me,

“Write down this number, ten, ten, twenty-seven.”

“What the hell is that, the year we get a new car?”

“Just write it down.”

“Is that when you and I get a divorce?”

“Maybe, but no, just write it down.”

“Ten dash ten dash twenty-seven?”

“No, all one, no dash, just write it down.”

“OK, I wrote it down, now what?”

“Three and comma.”

“So, ten, ten, twenty-seven, three comma?”

“No, you idiot, count three numbers and add a comma.”

“You mean 101,027?”

“Yes.”

“So, what does that mean, what are you telling me?”

“That is the current mileage on the car, 101,027 miles.

“What the HELL?  Why did you have me write it down?  Why not just say, ’The car has 101,027 miles on it’?”

“Because that is how I remember the number when I looked, ten, ten, twenty-seven.”

I really do not think it is me.

Yard Work

Yard Work

A nice thing about living in a townhouse community is yard work is done for you.  I used to dislike yard work.  Well, I hated that the only time I could do yard work was on the weekend.

I kind of like yard work, but when I was working-working, I would have preferred my weekends off.  Now that I have the time, now that I could putter around the yard any day of the week, the yard work is done for me.

I do have about 100 sq. feet of garden on the perimeter of our house that is mine to maintain.   I pull the weeds, plant some new flowering plants, spread mulch, tend to my 6 tomato plants and water in the summer.  After that, the other 6 days and 23.5 hours of the week are all to myself.

So now I do miss yard work.  I am also jealous of all the new neat stuff you can get for the yard and yard work. 

Patio furniture is all weather and way more comfortable than it used to be.  When I had a patio, furniture had to be covered in the winter, tied down during storms and it was not very comfortable to sit on.  We do have a table and a few chairs, but no room for the outdoor fireplaces that many people have.  I think I would like one of them.  I don’t even have a proper place for a bird feeder.

My last real yard was pretty small, but I still had to mow the lawn.  I had an electric mower, trimmer and blower.  Navigating those tools with 100 feet of a power cord was a pain in the butt.  Today the same tools have rechargeable battery packs.  Not having to yank the power cord around would have made lawn work a breeze.  

One of the new cool things today that I do have and use are the new hoses.  The old hoses for watering and car washing were a royal pain.  Coiling them was difficult, even with those windup reel things.  The old hoses kinked and cut water flow all the time, also a royal pain.

The new hose doesn’t kink; it shrinks to a small neat pile when not in use, and extends only when the water is turned on.  It is really convenient the 15 minutes a month I need to use it.

I also miss shoveling the driveway in the winter.  Snow shoveling is great exercise.  The cold is invigorating, the blowing snow refreshing on your face.  Now even that is done for us.  We have a shovel, but 20 minutes after a snow fall, a crew is out doing the job for me.  I really miss clearing snow, especially after a really heavy snow fall.

OK, I’m lying about the snow; I like the snow, hate the shoveling. 

I do miss caring for the lawn, except for in the spring when tree pollen got to me and in the fall when the grass made me sneeze.   As I think about it, I don’t really miss lawn care either.

I do like planting and weeding, except for how it screws up my back.

OK, forget everything I’ve said, I love townhouse living, and our yard looks great.