NEEDLE VALVE

NEEDLE VALVE

Years ago on the very first episode of the first Bill Cosby sit-com, the one where he played a gym teacher, not a Doctor.  Cosby, in full gym teacher attire (Damn he was funny, I wish he had not turned out to be such a dick) was searching all over his office for something.  I was watching with my old high school friend Widmer, and we both hollered out at the same time, NEEDLE VALVE!

Two seconds later Cosby started mumbling NEEDLE VALVE…NEEDLE VALVE.

Widmer and I were in stiches.  Anyone who has ever owned a basketball or football that was deflated knows that a NEEDLE VALVE is one of those things that you see all the time, but when you finally need it, it is nowhere to be found.

The other night after finishing a tax stuff for my college son, I needed a paper clip.  I see paper clips all the time.  I don’t think I have ever looked for anything in this house without seeing a paper clip.  I see them and think,

“When I need a paper clip I know where to find one.”

Except apparently paper clip is to stationary as NEEDLE VALVE is to sports equipment.

I checked every drawer in the house and could not find a paper clip.  I could have called Mrs. C at work and she would know immediately where I could find one, but she would also make fun of me for being clueless as I’m sure I must have looked in a drawer where there was a paper clip and just missed it.

As I ripped apart drawers looking for a paper clip, which yes, I did finally locate one, I was reminded of that old Cosby show.  I was muttering out loud, “NEEDLE VALVE…NEEDLE VALVE!”

Fortunately, I was home alone.

I’m not sure how I would have explained that strange muttering to Mrs. C.

   

I Don’t Always Follow Directions

I Don’t Always Follow Directions

Stunt cab driver, not the actual crazy cab driver

I don’t always follow directions.  It is a good thing because sometimes directions are ridiculous.  Sometimes people giving directions are idiots.

The other day I was in the car waiting area of the train station lot.  I was there to pick up my step daughter who was coming from the city for a doctor’s appointment. 

I got to the station early by about five minutes.  In this area there are always a few taxis.  It is not an area strictly for taxis, but they seem to feel that it is.

As my SD arrived a taxi pulled into the area and just in front of me, but not blocking me.  I was behind a little red car that was also making a pick up. 

The cab driver got out of his car.

The little red car started forward but had to stop because traffic would not allow him to do anything else.  I also stopped because if I didn’t I would have run right up the little red cars backside.

At this point I was calmly waiting for the traffic to clear when the cab driver started hollering and waving his arms for me to move.

I’m pretty sure he said, “Come on…mobble the foggen crundle!”

I almost stepped on the gas and ran up the backside of the little red car which was not moving, but I decided that following the cab driver’s directions would be counter-productive.

I rolled down my window and hollered back, “I can’t mobble the foggen crundle without crunching the foggen red car.”

He insisted again, quite vigorously, that I “mobble the foggen crundle!” and waved at me to run up the rear bumper of the little red car.  He seemed to be very angry and quite insistent that I crash into the car that was one foot in front of me.

Not wanting to hit the car in front of me or get into an argument with a complete idiot who for some reason was directing me to have an accident, I rolled up the window and as traffic finally cleared and I could leave the lot, followed the little red car safely out.

As I left, I was sure to let the cab driver know that he was number one.

THE STUPIDEST BIRD

THE STUPIDEST BIRD

a re-run from April 2015

 I love birds.  My mom instilled bird loving in me at a very young age.  No, we weren’t over the top bird watchers, marching through the woods with camo and binoculars keeping track of every species we saw.  We were backyard birders, viewing the many species that would come to our feeder.  When my folks moved to the Eastern Shore, Md. We added water fowl to our backyard viewing.

We did have binoculars and a “Birds of North America” book at the ready for the few instances when a new bird species dropped by…always an exciting event.

So I am a bird appreciator, an amateur birder. 

Most birds seem pretty intelligent.  They are wary of other species and wary of humans.  They are skillful at finding and retrieving food even in difficult winter conditions.  The food we leave out is appreciated, but they would survive without human intervention; except for the urban pigeon.

The city pigeons, also known as flying rats are without a doubt the stupidest bird in the world.   This bird could not survive without humans and human leftovers.  They have no fear of man; they could be caught with ease if they were a needed food source.  I suppose the argument could be made that they are smart to know humans will not harm them and they are smart to get easy feed from hanging close to humans.

Why then, do I say they are so stupid?  First they walk stupid. They cannot move a leg without also moving their head…stupid.  They look like bass guitar players without the rhythm and talent. That is not why they are stupid.

The pigeon lives off left over scraps of bread. 

They eat it stupid. 

The pigeon pecks at the bread getting only tiny pieces with each peck.  Then in order to break the bread down to a smaller size, he picks it up and shakes it.  Most of the shaken bread flies away from him and is grabbed by another pigeon.  He is left with only a crumb.

Every time the pigeon picks up a piece of bread to shake a smaller piece loose, he misses stepping on it by less than a quarter of an inch.  It just drives me crazy watching them.

“Step on it you stupid bird! Just step on the fucking piece of bread and it will stay put for you to peck away at your heart’s content!”

They never do, they always just miss stepping on the bread.  Not one friggin bird has thought of stepping on the bread.  Not once has a pigeon accidentally stepped on the bread and realized,

“WOW, this is way better then flinging it all over and then having to fight  those other birds for it!”

Nope, not figuring it out, accidentally or otherwise.

Stupid bird!