STUPID HEADLINES 052216

STUPID HEADLINES 052216

I'm sensing a theme  

It is time again for

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sometimes sophomoric comments.  

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New Jersey Is in a Pickle Over Pork Sandwich – Big hoo-ha whether to call new official State Sandwich “Pork Roll” or “Taylor Ham”…We have lots of difficult issues in Jersey. BTW, I vote “Taylor Ham.”

Doctors perform first U.S. penis transplant – I would go on a donor list myself, but my penis has a long history of being rejected.

Drunk roosters captured in New Zealand – “Crock-a-noodle-oodle-oo”

This week’s obligatory stupid headline out of Florida

FLORIDA MAN TURNS HIMSELF IN FOR MURDERING IMAGINARY FRIEND – Pixel, What is it about your state?

NYPD crushes dozens of confiscated motorcycles live on Facebook – Un-cycle instead of recycle?

Burglary suspect turns out to be raccoon hiding under plant – Well the raccoon did have a mask.

Milwaukee frozen custard stand under fire over English-only policy – It’s a Spanish neighborhood, but how many words do you need to learn? Chocolate is Chocolate, Vanilla is Vainilla, Sprinkles is Esprinkles…come on people!

New Islamic Mayor Of London Warns Trump Not To Make Terrorists Angry – You mean they decapitate, burn alive, rape, and destroy everything that is non-Muslim now, and they aren’t angry.

9 out of 10 Native Americans not offended by Redskins name, poll reveals – The offended Native American is a dentist who does not recommend Dentine to his patients that chew gum.

Researchers believe two mega tsunamis wiped out ancient shorelines on Mars – Researchers also believe little green dogs survived by heading to high ground but Martians did not heed this early warning.

Three-way fight between a cat, snake and frog – I didn’t even read this article and I know the punch line has to be, “I was talking to the frog!”

‘HALLA-POO-YAH!’: Florida Mom Sees God In Baby’s Soiled Diaper – Florida again! It’s got to be the water.

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Come back next week for more:

  STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!

Smoking

Smoking

A cranky opinion for

CRANKY OPINION SATURDAY

The following is the opinion of a cranky old man with limited expertise on the topic opined.  Opposing opinions are welcome but are wrong.  As always, please, no name calling and that means you, you big stupid head!

I am pleased to announce that I am now five years without smoking (does an occasional cigar count?)  I am a bit of an expert on quitting smoking; this is the second time I have quit for longer than five years.  You might ask, “Do you have any advice to people that want to quit smoking?”

No, I do not…well I do but I would rather offer advice to people who want someone to quit smoking.*

First of all, every smoker wants to quit.  Every smoker wishes he had never started.  Every smoker knows smoking is not good for his health.  Every smoker hates the inconvenience they go through because of their addiction.  Every smokers are aware that this addiction is very expensive. (Almost) Every smoker feels awful that his addiction makes others uncomfortable and may even put their health at risk.

So, people who want someone they know to quit smoking, stop telling him that smoking is not good for him, that it is expensive and that the smoke stinks.  He knows this and he wants to quit.  Remember smoking is not just a habit.  Habits are difficult to quit, especially when the habit is shared socially by others.  Smoking is also an addiction.  It is a powerful addiction.  Quitting a habit and an addiction is not easy.  Most smokers try to quit as soon as they put out their last cigarette.

My friend Frog’s mother was a heavy smoker right up until she had a heart attack at age 85.  At the hospital the doctor asked her if she smoked.  She said, “I used to, but I quit.” Frog took the doctor aside and told him, “She quit six hours ago, after she had the heart attack.”

Point is, quitting is hard, when you tell a smoker things he knows, when you remind him that he should quit or that he is killing himself and is an inconvenience to those around him, you only make him feel bad and you only trigger the urge to light up another.

I particularly hated when a six year old at his parents prompting came up to me and said, “Do you know that is bad for you? You should stop!” Ah yes, words of wisdom from a little snot who is still sucking his thumb…always made me fire up a back to back double.

If you want someone to quit, you need to offer support.  Tell him you know smoking is a powerful addiction and if there is anything you can do to help or lend support you are there.  Don’t belittle him or remind him he is stupid; that causes a “fuck you” reflex.  Support gives him the incentive to stick with it.  If he is trying to quit and lights up don’t call him a failure.  Remind him that a slip does not mean he cannot beat the addiction.  

If someone you love is a smoker, do not beat him up about it.  Let him know that you understand and that if he was to quit you would offer support, sympathy, and praise.  Hate the addiction, not the addict.

Or

You can nag him into his grave.

*This advice is aimed at people who want a loved one to quit.  If a nicotine addict inflicts his addiction on you through pure thoughtlessness, you should feel free to give him a piece of you mind.

The preceding was the opinion of a cranky old man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

Crabbing Is Not Pretty!

Crabbing Is Not Pretty!

I love watching the reality TV show, “The Deadliest Catch.”  I think this is the only reality TV show that actually is mostly real.  The show follows several crabbing boats out of Alaska in the quest for crustacean gold, King and Opilio Crab.

I suppose part of my interest in this show is that my entire family and I were once crab fishermen.  Not exactly to the extent of the crabbers on the TV show, but I do feel a certain kinship.

My parents retired in the 70’s to a creek off of the Chesapeake Bay on the Eastern Shore of Maryland.  Anyone who lives on the eastern seaboard knows that the “Bay” is famous for its blue claw crab.  Steamed fresh with a generous dose of “Old Bay” seasoning, the blue claw crab is a tasty feast fit for a king.

Crabbing on the creek was similar to crabbing on the Bering Sea, except without that risking your life part. Our boat was a small skiff from which we laid out a string of baits, called a trot line, to catch the blue claws.  A chain on either end of the line kept the baits on the bottom, an empty Clorox bottle (bags on the TV show) floated on either end of the line.

The line was baited about every five feet with a piece of dried eel.  Loading the line with bait and placing it in a large bucket in preparation for running the line was rather sloppy.  Dried eel gets stinky and slippery and disgusting.  This is where I get this posts title.  Preparing a line with a friend who had never crabbed with a trot line before, the newbie complained about the eel mess.  He said solemnly, “Crabbing Is Not Pretty.”  

It became a family mantra.

The crab line was slowly released into the creek, and stretched out a bit before letting it “soak” just like on the TV show.  After a good soak the line (100 yards was the legal limit for recreational crabbers) was pulled in.  It was not actually pulled in; it was lifted onto a roller and slowly brought up from the bottom.  As the line went over the roller, crabs (they are not particularly bright creatures) would hold onto the eel and we would net them before they dropped off.  The line then rolled off back to the bottom.  At the end of a run we let it soak again before running the line.

This process went on all day in order to catch enough crab for the entire family (often 16 or more) to enjoy a proper crab feast. 

An average trot line run would yield two or three crab.  A good run might bring in eight or ten.  My SIL, Judy, claims the record of 18 netted on a single run.  When the netting was hot it could get exciting in the skiff with crabs just flung into the boat and missing the bucket.  Crabs in the boat could get angry.  (We did learn interestingly enough, that if you turned a crab on its back and stroked its belly they would fall into a sleep state and be harmless to handle.)

The crabs had to be culled just like on the TV show. The shell had to be a certain size from point to point to be legal, smalls and females were returned to the creek to grow and or create more crabs.

Stolen from YouTube, here are some grizzled Chesapeake crabbers hard at work.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5gmvxg8d_Y   

After a day of hard work crabbing, they were steamed, seasoned and enjoyed with corn on the cob and a beer or two.  The crabs are delicious, but they are sloppy to eat.  Traditionally a paper is spread over the table so after the feast it would just be rolled up with all the shells and guts and lungs (gills) thrown out in one quick clean up.

Like I said, “Crabbing is Not Pretty.”