THE WAY THINGS ARE

THE WAY THINGS ARE

Some things just happen and they just happen wrong.  There is no rhyme or reason for them to always happen, they just do.  The law that explains this phenomenon is Murphy’s Law:

"If something can go wrong, it will."

This is of course a very broad assertion.  There are more specific corollaries to this law.

1.      If you have to loosen several screws to remove an object, the head of the last screw will be stripped. 

2.     If you only have one nail left you will bend the crap out of it on the first whack of the hammer.

3.     When making a sandwich, you will cook the bacon, slice the tomatoes, rinse the lettuce and toast the bread before you realize you have no mayonnaise.

4.     The cable company will wait to test their system just before you find out how much the medieval sling-shot is worth on "Pawn Stars."

5.     If you have only one last screw that you need to finish a job, you will drop it.

6.     The last pistachio nut in a batch will have a rotten bitter taste.

7.     If you drop the last screw that you really need, it will hit your foot and bounce  where you will not see and you will not find it.

8.     You remember you are out of toilet paper when you most need toilet paper.

9.     When you come back from the hardware store with a screw to replace the one you lost, you will immediately find the screw that you dropped.

10.   If you write a 700 word post and forget to periodically hit save, your computer will close unexpectedly.

I suppose there are more to the list, that’s all I’ve got for know.

SKIPPING - a cranky re-run

SKIPPING

This cranky re-run is from July 2011

Why do people skip?  Well, why do kids skip?  Only children skip.

Skipping does not make any sense.  It is slower to skip than it is to run and it takes more energy.  Children are encouraged to take that first walking step.  Running is just really fast walking.  Skipping?  What is that?  

Parents do not teach their children to skip.  I wouldn’t even know how to teach skipping.  Kids just do it.  Mostly girls skip although I vaguely remember skipping as a child.  For some reason kids stop skipping at around ten years old.  I think boys stop earlier.  Kids sometimes hold hands and skip.  They don’t hold hands and run, they seldom hold hands and walk and if they do, walking and hand holding usually ends up in skipping.

I don’t think kids ever skip unless they are happy.  They will walk unhappy.  They will run when they are unhappy.  It is not possible for an unhappy child to skip.

Skipping is the only form of transportation that has never resulted in a race.  There are walking races in the Olympics. Swimmers race, runners race, skiers race, bicycles, cars, skateboards, sleds, skates, boats, airplanes, trucks, hopping in a potato sack, every possible form of forward motion has always resulted in someone saying “Let’s race!”  I have never heard of a skipping race.  Skipping is happy, it just cannot get competitive.

I think maybe because it makes no sense, because it looks silly, people stop skipping after the age of ten.  Kids don’t care what looks silly; they don’t care what makes sense, if they have an emotion, they will show it.  When children are happy, when they are excited, they skip.  When I see children skip, it makes me happy, it makes me smile.  

Maybe the world would be better off if we all remembered how to skip.  If the boss gives you a raise, skip back to your cubicle.  If you are going to buy a new car, skip to the dealer. That girl agrees to marry you, skip around the room.  You pass the bar exam, skip to the bar.  

Would this show of happiness upset those around us who were not as fortunate?  Do we need to control our emotions as grownups or risk hurting other peoples’ feelings?  As grownups when we are really happy, we feel we have to tone down our emotions.

I think some people are unhappy and suffer from depression because they are afraid to skip.  Come on everyone let it all hang out.  

It is time we remember how to SKIP!

STUPID HEADLINES 122814/010415

STUPID HEADLINES 122814/010415
After a week off

It is time again for

I'm guessing he was shopping in a liquor store!
Thanks for this one Frog. 

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline may be completely made up, guess the fake and win a mention and a Whoop-tee-doo. 'None of the above' may be the correct answer.

__________________________

Newly freed Cuban spy's wife pregnant, with a little help from US – Hey, don’t blame me, it’s a big country.

German police hunting for stolen pigeon worth $184,000 – Come on thieves, give police the bird.

Feds spend $33G to find out if same-sex couples live close to tobacco shops – Come on Feds, you are born gay or straight, it has nothing to do with living near tobacco shops.

Circus busted for trying to pass dogs off as pandas – They’d a've got away with it if the Chihuahua would have just learned to eat bamboo shoots.

Scientists pull a reverse; Pluto is officially a planet after all – It’s a planet, it’s a cartoon dog, it’s a planet…make up your damn mind!

NIH spending $400G to find out what kids think of fat characters in movies – How did this cost 367 G’s more than finding out if same sex couples live close to tobacco shops?

Soldiers relocate Hawaii wedding so Obama can play golf – Look, he is The President, so it is entirely understandable, but did they have to relocate the wedding to Bagdad?

NJ police investigate shots fired into church that dates back to the Revolution – Dang, talk about a slow response time.  Quick, dial IX-I-I.

Feds gave $450,000 for defunct women's cricket league in Afghanistan – That’s a lot of frickin crickets!

New laws for 2015 ban ‘tiger selfies’ – Another stupid law, just don’t give tigers a cell phone for crispy sake!

Play-Doh will exchange phallic-shaped toy – What did people expect when they bought a “Dill-Doh.”

Florida Man Arrested for Stuffing Beef Tongue in Pants at Wal-Mart – He paid for it, but Florida statute 7.16.55R clearly states “It is a misdemeanor to be tongued in a Wal-Mart.”

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Last week’s fake headline was:

Rare Richard Nixon Pez Dispenser sells for $220,000 – The buyer thought it was a Pres Dispenser.

Lots of winners…too easy:

susie

Prez pez is fake.

Munir

Pez dispenser of Nixon ? I don't think so.

stevebethere

I am going for...Rare Richard Nixon Pez Dispenser

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip,

Nixon's Pez dispenser gets my vote.

fishducky

Fishducky sez prez Pez!!

Jimmy

Hey Joe, I'm going with the Nixon Pez dispenser this week, just can't see one going for that price but yet stranger things have happened.

J

The Pez container please!

Sandee

I'm going with 'Rare Richard Nixon Pez Dispenser sells for $220,000'.

Click on the names of our winners and congratulate them…even if it was an easy one.

COME BACK NEXT WEEK FOR MORE

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY!!