FASHION DICTATORS - a cranky re-run

FASHION DICTATORS

re-run from May 2012

Miss J. Alexander TV Fashion expert dude

Who are these people who tell us what to wear and how to decorate?  Why do we listen to them?  Most of these fashion/decorator dictators have lifestyle tastes totally different from mine and yet I am supposed to listen to them about how to dress and what colors to put in my living room (do people still have living rooms?  I know parlors are out.)

A perfectly nice gay gentleman just informed me that artificial flowers in the house are bad feng shui.  I am sure this dude knows his design, but he does not know me.  We are different, why should his design ideas mean anything to me?  I don’t ask him for ideas on sex partners why do I care about his ideas on design?  What is feng shui and why should I care?  Do dead flowers bring good feng shui, because that’s what happens to my flowers?

Look, sometimes I admit I have no idea about what clothes to wear and I will ask for advice.  There are times when I seek another’s opinion on designing a room.  Some things I just do not care that deeply about and I want to know what most people find acceptable.  BUT…It just annoys the hell out of me when some TV fashion expert dude puts down things that I do like. 

You pretentious asshole!  You are wearing orange pants, a shirt with a giant daisy print, purple boots, multi colored hair in a huge bouffant, lipstick and blue crap on your eye lids and you tell some poor slub, “Honey you have no taste.”  AND…The poor slub LISTENS!!

Let me answer for that poor TV slub.

“Listen jerk-weed I do have taste.  I don’t have your taste.  You like penis; I prefer vigina.  I don’t care about texture or curves or style or ‘pop’ or mauve.  If I want to wear black, then that is my taste.  If I want a frickin moose head on my wall, then that is my taste, if I want steak, and cheese flipping pie makes me throw the F-up, please do not tell me I have no taste.  I don’t have your taste you arrogant douche!”

Those that know me will say, “But Cranky, I’ve seen where you live, I know how you dress; you don’t wear black, and there is no moose head in your home.”

This is true.  Am I a hypocrite? Listen, I sleep with Mrs. Cranky, I defer to her taste.

STUPID HEADLINES 060213

STUPID HEADLINES 060213

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Headline courtesy of Jackie K. @ http://www.keepworkingthroughit.blogspot.com.au/

 

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

 

One headline is completely made up.  Guess the fake and win a mention.

 

Burger King Employee Foils Robbery by Stealing Thieves' Getaway Car – Employee is now doing 1-5 for grand theft auto.

Iran hauls off Christian pastor, shuts down church in new sweep – Apparently that is OK in Iran, but Christians better not draw cartoons that offend a Muslim.

Man Sues Wife for their “Ugly Baby” – Come on Dude…they all look like that the first week!

DOJ Tells Employees to Verbally Affirm Homosexuality – How often? Daily, every hour? How about just removing “Under God” from the pledge and replacing it with “One nation, including gays, transgendered, cross-dressers, bi-sexual, foot-fetished, red-headed, bald, black, white, Native American, Indian, Muslim, satan worshipers, and heterosexuals, with liberty…”

Cuomo Flogs Weiner – Ewww…I hope he didn’t text that!

Woman to have ‘dolphin-assisted’ birth – Pant, Pant, ekk-ekk-ekk, Pant, Pant ekk-ekk-ekk.

Survey: Marriage counselors' success rate is 50% - Hmmm…kinda the same as the divorce rate.

'Poop transplants': How well do they really work? – And why?  Who doesn’t have enough of their own poop?

Dog Working as Canine Ambassador at Upscale Hotel – Well…not THAT upscale.

8-Year-Old Suspended Over Gun-Shaped Pop-Tart – I could understand the suspension for having a pop-tart, but the gun thing…?

Brain capable of making its own version of Valium – If I think really hard, can I get my brain to make its own version of Scotch?

Medical marijuana for your pet? – No seriously Dood, it’s for my dog, like he like barks and shits and shit, really dood, it ain’t for me…

Burger King creates hands free Whopper holder – For those times where you just have to eat but need your hands for something else!



Idiots try to eat dinner on iceberg, get blown out to sea – Idiot diners blame “Climate Change.”
  

 

Last week’s fake headline was:

Scientist receives $100,000 Government Grant to determine if chicken or egg came first – Next will be a grant to determine why that chicken crossed the road.

The following bloggers successfully guessed the fake headline:

TexWisGirl @ http://run-a-roundranch.blogspot.com/ She guesses it every week, I may have to disallow her entries.  In the meantime check out her great photos…especially if you love ducks.

Stephen @ http://chubbychatterbox.com/ guessed correctly as he knew the Government would never pay for anything with any substance at all…Dang Liberal!  Go read his stuff anyway; his stories are some of the best in the blog world!!

Val @ http://unbaggingthecats.blogspot.com/ Guessed correctly figuring that $100,000 was way too little for a Government study.  Do not read Val’s posts if laughing makes your side hurt.

Leenie @ http://bonkersycarax.blogspot.com/ copied Val, but check out her posts anyway…very nice Photos

Marcy @ http://www.tootimidandsqueamish.com/ also guessed the French Tax thing, so she is disqualified for making two guesses and will not get a mention.  That is too bad, because she is what is sometimes called “A piece of work” and her posts are a good read.  Sadly, do not visit Marcy @ http://www.tootimidandsqueamish.com/ .  Sorry, but rules are rules.

Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ was too busy arguing her previous weeks disqualification to venture a guess, so Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ will not get  a mention…do not read Fran’s very funny posts @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/  

BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR KIDS

BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR KIDS

 

A Cranky Saturday Opinion

Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong, but welcome) on Cranky Opinion Saturday, but please, no name calling…and that means you, you big stupid head!

This cranky old man is having trouble coming up with an opinion for this Saturday, so I will pick on the relatively new tradition of fancy birthday parties for kids.  My Grandson Connor is having his third birthday party today.

Are these parties for the children or the parents?  Do parents get into the “my party is better than your party” vicious cycle?

Children do not remember very much until the age of at least five, so any party up to that age should just be for family and a few friends. 

A present or two, sing “Happy Birthday,” eat cake and take pictures…good.

Clowns, ponies, blow-up jumpy things, zillions of kids and tons of toys…bad.  

Years ago in another life, my wife forced me to go to all these parties.  After working all week, I really did not want to drive two hours away to spend the first sunny day of summer drinking soda, eating Cheetos, and watching a bunch of two and three year olds whine and break stuff while their parents had to demonstrate that their precious spawn could high five, wave bye-bye, blow kisses, and say that ever so funny, “No way Jose!” to virtually every request.

RT- Mrs. Wiskowski, fifth grade English, would take off 5 points for “Too many words!” in that last sentence.

 

Of course, all these comments are null and void when it comes to my grandkids.  But Hell, they are really cute and deserve to be celebrated!

So there is my opinion on kid’s birthday parties.  They suck.  They are a waste.  They are for spoiled little brats who should be wrapped up in duct tape and sat in a corner while grown-ups drink wine and have fun.

Except my grandkids.  They should be on display for all to marvel at their adorableness, intelligence, and incredible advanced abilities.

Wait, I have some pictures and a video of Connor and me bumping fists.  It’s here someplace.  Hold on, it is really cute.  Wait…it is right here…don’t go!

Oh well, I’ll just put it up on that “your-tube” thingy.  Check it out; it is sure to become a virus.

 

The preceding opinions were that of a cranky old man and not necessarily those of management…Mrs. Cranky.