PHONE-A-FRIEND
I used to
like the TV quiz show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” until they changed the
format. The old format gave a contestant
who didn’t know an answer the opportunity to “Phone-a-friend” to get help. I always said my phone-a-friend would be my
friend “Frog.”
Frog (named
as he once wore glasses reminiscent of “Froggy” in the “Little Rascal Comedies”)
is my friend all the way back to high school, and he is an expert in
everything, especially history where he has a Doctorate (almost) in American
History. I guess I should call him
Doctor Frog. Anyway, the only problem
with Dr. Frog as my phone-a-friend is his tendency to ramble on with facts not
requested. I have a recurring nightmare
where I am a contestant on the old format of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”
“OK Cranky, you are down to your
final question worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Ready?
“I’m ready Regis.”
“Here it is…”
What is the name of the Master Sergeant
in the Civil War who before the battle of Squeak Falls said, “Five minutes till
hell boys, smok’em if you gott’em.”
A.
Fast Freddie James
B.
Martin Kurtika
C.
John Hammond
D.
Gilbert Shill
“That is a tough one Regis; I’d like
to ask a friend. I’d like to call Dr.
Frog.”
“OK sure, we'll call Doctor…Frog? Does he know history?”
“If he doesn’t know the answer, the
answer doesn’t exist!”
“All right then we’re calling Doctor
Frog…Hello is this Doctor Frog?”
“Ah…yup.”
“This is Regis of the Millionaire
Show. We have a friend of yours, a
Mister Cranky, he is going for ONE MILLION DOLLARS and he needs your help.”
“OK, sure…go ahead.”
“You have one minute. Here is the question”:
What is the name of the Master Sergeant
in the Civil War who before the battle of Squeak Falls said, “Five minutes till
hell boys, smok’em if you gott’em.”
A.
Fast Freddie James
B.
Martin Kurtika
C.
John Hammond
D.
Gilbert Shill
“That is an easy one Regis; it just
happens that in 1974 I wrote a thesis on that very person.”
“Forty-five seconds.”
“Yes; the battle of Squeak Falls was
very important.”
“Thirty seconds.”
“If the South won that battle, they
would secure their supply lines for…”
“Twenty seconds Doctor Frog,”
“As I was saying, they would secure
very important supply lines for their march toward…”
“Ten seconds.”
“Ten seconds?”
“Five now.”
“OK then, the answer is…”
“Oh, I’m sorry, time is up. We had to hang up on Doctor Frog. Do you have a guess Mr. Cranky?”
“Yes Regis, I’m going to guess that I
will have to friggin kill Doctor Frog!!”
I always
wake up in a cold sweat.
Actually, I
was once the phone-a-friend for Frog.
Frog had an argument
with his then girl friend, now wife Hillary. At 2 AM one morning I received a call from
Frog,
“Jowles*, I need you to settle an
argument. I’m here with Hillary…”
“Hi Hillary, glad to finally meet
you.”
“Never mind that, here is the
question. When Superman changes into his
Superman outfit where does he put his civilian clothes?”
“That’s easy; he has a pocket in his
cape!”
“THANK
YOU!.…I told you so Hill! Gotta go Jowles, thanks!”
And THAT, Doctor Frog, is how a
phone-a-friend answers a question!
*Old knickname…long story.
