Stupid Headlines 091612

Stupid Headlines 091612

 

Time again for Cranky’s stupid headlines and my stupider, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

Dance studio offers kiddie pole dancing classes – Because it is never too early to train tomorrow’s whores.

Foul Smell Reported Across Southern California – He who smelt it dealt it.

 

Panetta hints at punishment for bin Laden book author – Apparently this Navy Seal American Hero gave a story of the Bin Laden raid which differed from the White House account.  Clearly he must be punished!

 



 

 Define casual

 

 

Howard Stern calls Jay Leno a 'spineless maggot' – Come on Howard!  This is just so wrong.  Everyone knows that maggots don’t have spines.

 

Principal Sees Racism in Peanut Butter – Racists from all over the world travel to view the sacred racist peanut butter.  Is the tap-dancing Mr. Peanut racist?

 

Rare spider found in Texas shuts down $15M construction project – One of only two of its species known to exist.  If they’re not the same sex, put them together, otherwise step on the sucker and start building!

Naked German Monk Likely a Victim of Hallucinogenic Berries – Yeah, I tried that in ‘73…no one bought it then either.

 

ACLU sues Georgia in KKK litter program fight – State of Georgia is a little worried of the Clan’s definition of “Litter.”

 

 

New Jersey woman accused of hitting train conductor – As one who rode New Jersey Transit and endured these sanctimonious shitheads for forty years…THANK YOU!

 

FBI: 'Bucket List Bandit' caught in Oklahoma -   How many years do you get for stealing a “Bucket List?”

 

White House Unveils Sequestration Plan – I think the President has more important things to worry about than horseback riding!

 

 

 

Hey don’t blame me if these are really weak, I don’t make the headlines!

I’m a Grown-Ass Man!

I’m a Grown-Ass Man!

 

I’m a grown-ass man! 

I hear this phrase all the time.  Usually it is said in a “don’t talk to me like I’m a little boy” kinda way.

I.E.

“Are you sure you can handle another drink?”

“Hey…I’m a grown-ass man!”

Every time I hear someone use this phrase it seems to me the person is a non-child with an IQ bordering around 87. 

“I’m a grown-ass man” really means:

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Dude, I know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t care if it’s stupid, I’m doing it anyway.”

“Hey, I’m old enough to fuck up my life if I want to!”

After all

I’m a grown-ass man!

To me it means, “You’re a grown ass, man.”

Where Is The Change Bottle?

Where Is The Change Bottle?

 

We are currently remodeling the kitchen in our townhouse.  The downstairs is a shamble.  Nothing is where it used to be and everything is covered up with sheets or plastic.  Dinner is either eating out, or ordering in.

Last night we decided to order Chinese.  Delivery with tip was twenty-three dollars and forty cents.  I had twenty-three dollars at the ready, I needed the forty cents.

“Get it from downstairs” Mrs. Cranky said.

Downstairs on a divider by the front door we usually have a bottle where we throw loose change.  Every four or five months we deposit the loose change in the bank.  It adds up…sometimes over sixty dollars.

Anyway, when Mrs. C. told me to get the change from down stairs I assumed she meant the change bottle.  I went down stairs and the bottle was nowhere to be found.  I had to holler upstairs:

“Where is the change bottle?”

“Downstairs by the front door.”

The direction battle was now underway.

I could not find the bottle. 

“On the left of the front door or on the right of the front door?”

“On the left!”

I could not find the bottle on the left of the front door.  “On the left facing the front door or on the left as I come in the front door?”

“Facing the door on the glass table under the plastic tarp!”

I lifted the tarp and searched the glass table for five minutes.  Still I could not find the bottle.  I have gone through this battle many times, I was ready to surrender but I did not want to give her the smug satisfaction of stomping downstairs only to pull the bottle out of thin air right where I have been searching.

I had another out.  Even though it was raining I went outside to my car where I knew I had another loose change stash.

Mrs. C. heard the door open.  “Don’t you go outside for the money, it is right downstairs!”  She shouted as I heard her begin to stomp down the stairs. 

I went to my car to retrieve the forty cents.  When I returned Mrs. C. was waiting.  “Look here is the money right here, right in the small wicker basket where I keep my keys and loose change.”

“The basket…THE BASKET?  Who knew about the basket?  We keep all the loose change in the change bottle.  Where is the change bottle?”

“I don’t know.  You can’t use that for spending anyway, the change bottle is only for saving.  I keep loose spending change in the basket.”

“How the frig should I know that?  I asked where the change bottle was.  Why didn’t you say ‘There is change in the small basket on the glass table under the plastic tarp to the left of the door as you face it’ instead of ‘it is by the front door’?

“Because you should know we can’t spend change from the change bottle and that there is always change in the basket, besides you can never find anything anyway!”

And yet I still love Mrs. Cranky.