YOUTH SPORTS COACHES – cont. from yesterday

YOUTH SPORTS COACHES – cont. from yesterday

Sam Shapasshole

The last time I ever failed to step backward fast enough resulted in my coaching AA Little League baseball.  These were eight and nine year old children.  Few could hit the ball or throw worth a hoot.  Some could catch a fly ball. 

RT - Apparently there is a portion of a child’s brain which allows them to properly judge the closing distance of an object in motion.  This part of the brain does not fully develop for most children until the age of nine-and-one-half.  This is why most eight year olds try and catch a ball by sticking their glove out and turning their head away.  Most kids really should not start to play baseball until age ten.

My first duty as coach was to choose a team of fourteen kids from a list of 120 children of whom I knew maybe 20.  I then called the parents to notify them their child was on my team.

My very first call was to the father of my second to last pick, Sam Shapasshole (name slightly modified to protect anyone named Shapirole).  When I told Sam’s dad his son was on my AA team he went ballistic.  “WHAT? Sam is 10 he should be in AAA!! (Sam was close to ten but he was in fact nine).  YOU do something right now to get him in the right league!!"

I calmly directed him to the league president to straighten out his issue.

Sam ended up on my team.

That season:

Sam did not like his uniform number.  Mommy and daddy (both short fat loud annoying pieces of shit) were not happy.

Sam’s pants were too big.  (Mommy and daddy had picked them out.)

Sam lost his hat.  (Three times.)

Sam wanted to pitch.

Sam didn’t want to pitch

Sam could not wear his hat correctly (brim facing forward.  My only rule.)

I was informed that Sam was A.D.D. so I needed to treat him special!! (Thirteen other kids on the team were daydreamers with a short attention span…oh they were NINE YEAR OLD BOYS!)

Sam lost our catcher’s mitt which cost me $75.  (He refused to catch…don’t ask.)

Sam’s parents left the game and did not pick him up for 15 minutes after the game was over.  (It was OK; I had nothing better to do!)

After the last game of the season, Sam’s dad offered me two tickets he got free from work to that day’s Yankee game.  I said I might be interested.  He then told me he only wanted $30 apiece for them.  It was at that point that I told him, “You know what…Go Fuck yourself!”

(Well I wanted to tell him that)

The next year at the AAA championship game (I was just a spectator) Sam’s dad got thrown off the field by the league president for taunting the umpire, a twelve year old kid. 

(What class!)

He also ran for Mayor of the town that year.  He received 8 votes.

The next time you read about insensitive over-zealous horrible parents who coach youth sports please think of Mr. Shapasshole.

(Name slightly modified to protect anyone named Shapirole)

Note: If anyone named Shapasshole wants to sue me for slander I have about 150 witnesses to the above behavior. 

You are a turd!

(I have no witnesses that you are a turd, sue me for that.)

   

YOUTH SPORTS COACHES

YOUTH SPORTS COACHES

People who volunteer to coach youth sports do not get the credit they deserve.  Most of the stories you read about youth sports coaches involve pedophilia or fanatical nut jobs who care nothing about sportsmanship or the children, they only care about winning.

I have been involved as a coach three times in my life.  I did not volunteer so much as I failed to take two steps backwards as quickly as the other parents at the meetings.  I was coach of two different seven year old soccer recreation teams (about twenty years apart) and a nine year old Little League baseball team.

I would like to use my forum here to blast the real culprits in harming children through youth sports….PARENTS!  

In case you did not hear let me make it clear; annoying busybody do nothing drop the kids off so you can babysit piece of crap freaking parents are the trouble with youth sports.

The worst of the parents are soccer moms (and dads). 

My first experience with coaching was for a soccer team of seven year olds. One soccer mom was unable to drive her daughter to and from practice and games.  I picked up this little girl for all practices and games.  I was never thanked for this…that was fine; I felt sorry for the little girl because of her mom was a little…er….WEIRD! 

All season I was this little girl’s chauffer.  We finished the season, and the next Saturday was the annual soccer picnic.  The girl’s mother came up to me at the picnic furious that I did not pick up her daughter for practice on that Thursday.  I explained to her that since the season was over last Saturday, it would seem silly to hold the usual weekly practice on this past Thursday.

“Well you could have at least told me.  I HAD PLANS!!”

You’re welcome.

Twenty years later I again forgot to step backwards and was coaching another seven year old soccer team.  I did not mind that kids seldom made practice and showed up for games ten minutes late; I did mind that parents of these kids expected the same playing time for their kids as the ones that showed up on time. 

The parents always knew to the minute who played more than their child.

These games were four eight minute quarters.  Each team had ten kids.  You could only field six at a time.  Every kid wanted to play goalie, or forward, or only on defense.  Few of the children were accustomed to not getting what they wanted.  Coaching became almost completely trying to monitor who played where and for how long.  It was VERY important that everything be equal.  Screw teaching the kids how to play the game.

One game I apparently failed to put one little boy in the game an equal amount of time as the rest of the children.  His mom and dad let me know very loud and clear.  I was accused of holding him out and playing better players so we could win the game (We didn’t even keep score so as not to damage the little precious children’s self esteem).

I was attacked in such a way I really had only one of two choices.  Pop the kids obnoxious dad in the chops (I would never hit the mom) or walk away.  I walked away.

The next week I intentionally played this kid an extra quarter and held my own son out.  I did this to make a point.  The dad attacked me again.

“I know what you’re doing, playing my son extra just because I complained.  That’s not fair either.”

I stepped back and told this dad, “Last week I elected to walk away from you inappropriate tantrum instead on knocking you on your ass.  I am beginning to see what a bad decision that was” (well something to that effect.)  My assistant coach stepped between us before I corrected the previous week’s decision and another parent suggested this gentleman back off….quickly. 

I did get an apology from the wife over the phone.  I accepted, but none too graciously.

Too be continued tomorrow- Sam Shapasshole and Little League Baseball.

Headlines 042212

Headlines 042212

Sunday is time again for Cranky’s silly headlines and even sillier, sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

Suspect in Okla. shootings says he's not racist – “I may be a cold-blooded murderer, but I am not a racist!”

Taliban commander hands himself in, demands $100 reward – “Or Else!!”

Woman sexually assaulted by husband ordered to pay alimony – He’s in jail how is he expected to earn a living?

TRENDING: Damon: I'd kiss Bush – Not sure this is a new trend Matt, but whose bush?

Dortmund can clinch Bundesliga title Saturday - Dortmund hosts Monchengladbach, but Bayern Munich visits Werder Bremen earlier in the day, and a defeat or tie from the record champions will seal Dortmund's title. 

I know that I am just on the edge of my seat over this!

6-year-old allegedly locked in jail cell as part of school field trip – First graders are looking forward to next week’s class trip to the “Bunny Ranch.”

Missouri Man Faces 30-Year Prison Term for Stealing 52-Cent Doughnut – If he took the jelly-doughnut he would be looking at “LIFE!”

Wisconsin Nude Beach Has Sex Problem – Go figure!

Starbucks to Stop Using Crushed Beetles as Dye in Drinks – PETA action against crushing the beetles has convinced Starbucks to dye drinks with uncrushed beetles.

‘Pregnant man’ Thomas Beatie splits from wife – Wife suspects man of cheating.

California teacher fired for porn appearances fighting to get her job back – Teacher in a mission to get back in her old position will fight doggy-style if needed, claims superintendent is just being anal and needs to suck it up!

Texas prom queen who collected $17G arrested in fake cancer scam – Why would anyone give money for this?  I’m pretty sure that Fake Cancer has a 100% cure rate!