HEADLINES 020512

HEADLINES 020512

It’s late Sunday, the Super Bowl is over, the Giants won as predicted by Cranky Old Man, now it is time for this week’s stupid headlines and Cranky’s even stupider comments:

Texas teenagers arrested after allegedly shooting women with darts in Walmart parking lot – Texas has strict rules against shooting darts in parking lots.

TSA agents reportedly wait 6 hours before alerting cops about potential bomb – They took their time because they thought it was a TIME BOMB! Sorry, it’s the Tourette’s

Muslims, Atheists Pressure Military to Remove Christian Speaker – Citing “Religious freedom and pluralism” Muslims and Atheists demand Christian not speak.  Wha Wha What!!

Occupiers Dump Condoms on Catholic School Girls – Occupy Wall Street spokesperson wonders, “Why don’t we get more credibility, we have so much class?”  Cranky says, “Oh yeah, Catholic school girls, now that is what’s wrong with our country.”

Obama says his policies are extension of his faith – ACLU objects citing a conflict between church and state.

Ron Paul supporter files lawsuit against Gingrich campaign for broken foot - So if he wins the lawsuit…who breaks his foot?...Would a Ron Paul supporter be considered a Gingrich ARCH enemy? Sorry, it’s the Tourette’s

One Million Moms to JC Penney: fire Ellen, she's gay – Ellen to one million moms:  Fuck you, I’m rich!

Wes Welker is a big fan of Tom Brady’s toilet – But Brady complained that Wes left a ring on his super-bowl!

News of Jellyfish Takeover Unfounded, Scientists Say – That’s good to know, but what the fuck is that giant gelatinous viscous mass of protoplasm that is creeping over my back yard fence?

Congress makes it tougher to shoot in U.S. capitol – ACLU vows to take this ruling to the Supreme Court, “Assassins have rights too!”

Florida woman blames her 'big breasts' for failing sobriety test – Officer admits, “I pulled her over because of her ‘big breast’, but she failed the breastalyzer breathalyzer on her own.”

Some blacks insist: 'I'm not African-American' – They now insist on being referred to as “Notacracker-American”

CRANKY'S SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

CRANKY'S SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

In an effort to pump some testosterone into my blog I have been making predictions on the New York Giant’s playoff games.  I am two for two, and it is now time for the big prediction…SUPER BOWL!

Stand back mommy bloggers, Cranky is getting his man on HOO-HOO HOO.

This is really tough.  As a Giant fan I want to pick the Giants, however there is also my theory that it is very hard to beat a good NFL team twice in the same season.  In 2007, the Giants lost to New England in a close game during the season and then beat them in the Superbowl.  This year the Giants lost to both the Packers and the 49ers in the regular season and then beat them both in the playoffs.  Since the Giants beat New England in the regular season this year I have to pick New England in the Superbowl.

Then again, last week I gave this same sage advice to Marty (of “Fishing With Frog” fame) and leaked to him my advanced Super Bowl pick:

New England 41 – New York 17

Yes I predicted a blow-out as that is the traditional Super Bowl result.

My problem is, Marty wanted my pick as he felt I could never be right three games straight and he plans to place a bet against my Super Bowl choice.  Marty is therefore calling for the score NYG 20 NE 9.  Marty is a self-proclaimed Mr. Loser so it would figure that my calling NE the winner is a lock.  However, if Marty suddenly decides that because he is Mr. Loser he should not follow his instinct and bet against me and he decides to bet on NE then my call is in jeopardy.

Therefore I am changing my prediction so that Mr. Loser will at least be wrong about something.  If the Giants win he will be wrong about my ability to predict three in a row.  Or, since he is Mr. Loser I’m guessing he will change his mind and go with my first choice and bet on NE which guarantees a New York Giant victory. 

Listen, this prediction thing is not easy, it gets very complicated.  So here it is and don’t tell Marty:

New York Giants 34 - New England Patriots 31

THE SUPER BOWL PARTY

THE SUPER BOWL PARTY

For the fifth straight year, I will be watching the Super Bowl at home.  No Super Bowl party for the Cranky Old Man.  I will miss watching with my 13 year old son Spencer as he has been whisked off to another state by his BPD mom (thanks a lot NJ Custody Courts and its dumb ass judge who has absolute ZERO understanding of the relationship between a teenage boy and his dad.)  I will NOT miss the Super Bowl Party.

The Super Bowl Party is not about the Super Bowl.  It is not about football.  It is about showing off food, and 58 inch TV sets.  The Super Bowl party is to football fans, what the New Years Eve party is to alcoholics; strictly for amateurs.

Part of the problem with the Super Bowl party is women.  Super Bowl parties all have women.  Don’t take offence ladies, but when you all talk about breast feeding, child birth, monthly visits and shoes, I step the frick out of the conversation.  At the Super Bowl party I really don’t want to hear that the Patriots will win because Tom Brady is “Like way more awesomer than Eli Maningham.” 

Every Super Bowl party should have a large poster by the TV stating:

1.    The names of the teams and their uniform colors

2.    Where the game is being played

3.    The temperature at game time

4.    Who is lip-synching at half time

These are the questions asked by every woman who enters the Super Bowl party; there is no need to answer them 18 times.

This one fries my patoot.  A controversial play ends in a loss of downs and change of possession, when the commercial comes on and the men strike up a discussion about what just transpired on the field, they get shouted down by the women, “SHHHH, it’s the new “Bank One” commercial!”  I can’t talk football because it interrupts the fucking commercials?  WTF!

Half time should be for recapping the first half, arguing over play selection, going to the bathroom, eating chili, drinking beer and marching bands.  Not at the Super Bowl party.  Half time is for quieting down, dropping everything, and watching this year’s superstar lip-synch her latest hit song to the backdrop of 287 dancers, 5000 fans fucking up the field, and $500,000 worth of fireworks. 

W O-fucking W!!

CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO FOOTBALL?

The second half is played with critiques of the half-time show and endless discussions of 47 different commercials competing with the play by play calling of the game on TV.  The game is always secondary at the Super Bowl party. 

The Super Bowl party sucks!

Can anyone guess why the Cranky Old Man has not been invited to a Super Bowl party in the last five years? 

It does not matter. I am not seeking a party invite, if invited I will not accept, and if my wife accepts, I will not attend.

Tune in tomorrow for Cranky’s “Super Bowl Prediction.”