VISIT TO Dr. JEFFREY R.

VISIT TO Dr. JEFFREY R.

I love my doctor.  I hate to see my doctor.  I love him because he is a really good guy, and he is a really good doctor.  I hate to see him because he always asks a lot of questions, takes a lot of blood, and seems to think it is important to probe me in the most intimate way.

When my x-wife used to get really pissed off at me she would either make an appointment to see a couple’s councilor or make an appointment for me to see Dr. R.  I preferred to be emasculated by the couple’s councilor than being deflowered by Dr. R.

Dr. R greets you in the patient’s room with a big smile and some nice words.  He doesn’t fool me; everything he does is seeking information.  As he reaches out to shake your hand he also grabs your pulse with his left hand.  He eyes you up and down checking the color of your skin bends in close to smell for breath or body odor, all the while keeping up a friendly banter.  I don’t let him get away with it.

“Here Doc smell my arm pit, want to sniff my butt?  What are you a doc or a dog?”

“Very funny, I’ll remember that when I put on the rubber glove.”

“Come on Doc, really?  Are you going to at least buy me a drink first?”

“Twenty four thousand eight-hundred and twelve.”

“Twenty four thousand eight-hundred and twelve what?”

“Times I’ve heard that stupid joke.”

This week I had to see Dr. R because I have been experiencing periodic stomach pain and bloating.  I thought it was just gas, but there was no belching or farting relief.  I was afraid it might be gall stones, or an appendix or a problem with an organ I’ve never heard of.

After the usual touching, looking, sniffing and grilling formalities, Dr. R ruled out about fifty different possible ailments and then stated with confidence, “Diver-something-itis.”  Well that’s what I heard.  I was just glad my pain had a name and taking care of it would not require a knife.

Dr. R explained the condition to me, advised me on a diet change, took some blood, and just for good measure performed the dreaded cavity search.  He then left to get me some information on Divertrichanosis. 

I was very impressed with Dr. R.  His diagnosis made sense, his suggested treatment with a high fiber diet made sense, and he was the consummate professional.

When he returned with a printout and began to explain the importance of a high fiber diet I could not take my eyes of a strange white glob of something enmeshed in his goatee. 

“Excuse me Doc, but I find it difficult to give your instructions much credibility when you have a glob of gunk on your chin.”

“What?”  Dr. R wiped his chin stared at the glob then looked at his nurse.   “Do you think you could tell me when I have yogurt on my chin?”  The Doc tried to act angry, but then just started to laugh.  “Damn and I was on such a roll too.”

That’s why I like Dr. R, he is an excellent Doctor but he is also just a good guy.

P-WHIPPED

P-WHIPPED

There is a fine line between being pussey-whipped and being abused.

Most guys will tell their friends, that they do whatever they want in a relationship and still get laid on a regular basis.  Most guys will lie to their friends.  Most friends know they are lying.  It is all part of the code.

If in fact you do whatever you want in a relationship and still get laid on a regular basis then you are probably an abuser.

If you do whatever your wife tells you and do not get laid on a regular basis, you are not pussey-whipped, you are being abused.

If you do whatever your wife tells you and get laid on a regular basis are you pussey-whipped?  Hell yes and who cares?  You are getting laid on a regular basis!

Guys need three things to be content; food, shelter, and to get laid on a regular basis.  Whatever (legal of course) it takes to get these three things is perfectly acceptable to any man, as long as he can still lie to his friends about much of what he does.

The ideal relationship of course is one of give and take.  Your wife needs to spend some time with just the girls; you should have occasional time with just the guys.  Your wife needs to watch girly shows on the TV, fine, as long as you can watch football on Sunday and Monday night. 

However, as long as you have food, shelter, and are getting laid on a regular basis that is compromise enough.  Is that being pussey-whipped?  It is the definition of being P-whipped, who cares – YOU ARE GETTING LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS! 

Single guys will take a lady to a fancy expensive restaurant, bring her flowers and chocolate, dress up to the nines, polish their shoes, be the total gentleman all night, and miss a crucial game on TV, all on the off-chance of getting laid.  They never consider this as being pussey-whipped.

If I do the dishes, fold the laundry and watch a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon knowing I will get laid that night (of course I never do these things), these same single guys who only hope to get lucky will call me pussey-whipped.   So be it.  As long as I GET LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS!

The above is of course only a fictitious example of what some married men will do.  It bears no resemblance to my own relationship in which of course I completely rule the roost.  Right Mrs. Cranky? Right? Right?  Hello!

HEADLINES 011512

HEADLINES 011512

It’s that time again, time for Cranky’s HEADLINES of the week and my stupid sophomoric comments:

Marijuana doesn't harm lung function, study found – Scientists declare, “Like dude it ain’t do nuttin to do no harm…ah…pass the chips.”

FAA says pilots can guide whooping cranes – But they can’t date them.

TV chef 'sorry' for shoplifting cheese and wine – This week’s show – How to entertain your guests while on a strict budget.

Jon Huntsman: Third Place Is a Ticket to Ride – Ticket is for Palookaville.

Dragnet: Alleged Cross-Dressing Georgia Car Thief Caught – Georgia strictly enforces all laws against cross-dressing.

Buried Alive Fiancé Gets 20 Years in Prison – Why is being buried alive a crime? I would think the person who buried her alive would have to go to jail.

Italian drug dealer guarded stash with 'mini alligator'- Dealer lost his hand when he thought he hid the drugs in his shoes.

15-year-old Maryland boy sentenced 85 years for killing teacher – And the conviction will remain part of his PERMINANT RECORD!!

PepsiCo finds trace fungicide in orange juice – Now claims their cola not only “Hits the spot” but also cures Athletes foot! 

CA man suspected of poisoning wife's Rice Krispies – I have to say this – Does that make him a CEREAL killer? (I’m sorry, it’s the Tourette’s!)