JUNE TWEETS

JUNE TWEETS

OK, I am low on material so here are my June tweets.  Why won’t you follow me?  Oh yes here is why:

My son tells me I am never wrong, sometimes I just don't use the right words.

 If gay marriage is not legal, can a gay man still marry a lesbian?  

Why do cowboy hats make men look stupid and women look sexy?

Why follow a blog just to get a follower? Follow if you like, but I’m not interested in "knitting with Sally".  

Some nimrod just said he liked my blog but he didn’t like my self- promoting. How did you find it jerkweed?

I miss my ex-wife.  I miss walking on egg shells I miss being called an FN asshole I miss eating glass. I do like having my dick back!

Stella Artois is a great beer, and it tastes almost the same and almost as good as Miller High Life at twice the price!
 
Why do you fish for fluke but eat flounder? What the fuck is the difference?
 
As I get older, the thought of being Pampered is taking on new meaning.
 
Whenever I am feeling low and inferior, I watch the Jerry Springer Show!
 
I'll match dried oatmeal vs. Superglue for sticking power anytime.

No smokes for 6 months. Damn! Now I have to figure out how to stretch my retirement funds another 5 yrs!

Hey Dr. Phil, yes a pancake always has 2 sides but one side is usually a f***ing liar!!!

Everyone that bought the farm on 5/21/2011 died thinking Harold Camping was right!!
 
Why do TV weather reporters need to be Meteorologists?  They just read the National Weather Service reports!
 
25 minutes behind coupon lady in the express line! Why do 30 cans of tuna = one Fucking item?

The new Aflac duck sucks! Bring back Gilbert Gottfried.

Note to skinny ladies: If your butt cheeks never touch, you just might be anorexic!

Free estimate? When or why would anyone pay for an estimate?
 
Went to AC and hit it big! One lucky machine hit every time I played the same 4 numbers! Go to Borgata and look for the machine marked ATM.

If a tree falls in the forest and lands on your ass, would you hear it?
 
In a fight between a sadist and a masochist, who would win?

Does playing footsie with someone make you solemates?

I went to apply for a job that said "must be honest" but I couldn't lie!   

I think if we gave every woman in the world a crown and a beauty pageant title we would have world peace!
 
I hate it when I stub my toe and have no one to blame!

To the nimrod that opened his door into my parked jeep; yup my FN key slipped...a LOT!!
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Follow on twitter @JoeHagyauthor 

I WAS ALMOST THE WORST FATHER EVER!!

I WAS ALMOST THE WORST FATHER EVER!!

Friday was my last full day of a two week vacation at Lavallette, N.J. on the Jersey Shore.  I may have been a bit crankier than usual these past two weeks.  Our apartment was twenty yards from the beach, but it was small.  Visiting were five grandchildren, three children (Oldest son Mike is in Colorado recovering from an operation) a daughter-in-law and two step children. 

I love going to the beach, reading, sleeping and taking an occasional dip in the ocean.  I hate going to the water-park and the boardwalk.  The three nicest beach days of the vacation I spent at the water-park and the boardwalk.  I may have been cranky. 

The last night of the vacation I took Mrs. Cranky out to eat at one of the nicer Lavallette restaurants.  One steamed Maine Lobster, two vodka gimlets and a glass of wine later and I was feeling very calm and relaxed.   We had to leave our apartment today by two o’clock; plenty of time to sleep late, pack, and head home.

Returning to the apartment after dinner Spencer surprised me with a request.  A friend called him and invited him at the last minute to go to today’s Yankee baseball game against Tampa Bay.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am not good at last minute plans.  My immediate response was no.  Actually it was NO FUCKING WAY! 

“We have to leave the shore by at least ten o’clock to get to the game in time.”
“Actually Dad they want to get to the game early and tailgate.  We need to leave by eight.”

“NO FUCKING WAY!!”

Enter Mrs. Cranky.

“Joe he really wants to go.  We can pack tonight, get up early, you can take him to his friends and I’ll clean up with Peter and Casey.”

“But..”

“Joe!!”

“OK….SHIT!”

We were up today at 6:30, packed the car, left the shore at 8:00 and I dropped Spencer off at his friend’s house at 9:30.

The first inning of today’s game Derek Jeter, Spencer’s favorite Yankee, singled between third and short.  It was his 2999^th career hit.  No Yankee has ever had 3000 hits in his career.  In the third inning, at 2 o’clock, number 2, the Yankee Captain, Derek Jeter, drilled a ball into the left field stands for a homerun.  His 3000 career hit!!  A freaking HOMERUN!! Jeter became the 28^th player in history to collect 3000 hits and the first New York Yankee to do it.

I almost did not let Spencer go to this game.

Thank you Mrs. Cranky for not letting me become THE WORST FATHER EVER!!

For more stuff but "Maybe It's Just Me!" @rosedogbooks.com, or Amazon http://adf.ly/1MJqD

Follow on twitter @JoeHagyauthor    

SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE JUST NICE

SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE JUST NICE

I am stealing this story from my wife’s Aunt Catherine who is my landlady for two weeks at the Jersey Shore and is fast becoming one of my favorite ladies.

We were discussing how we hate new technology when she admitted that sometimes a cell phone can be handy.  That led to the following story.

In the late sixties when Aunt Catherine was a younger woman she worked at a bakery.  Actually she and her husband, my wife’s uncle Vinnie, owned and ran a very successful bakery in central New Jersey.  The bakery business starts very early in the morning, and it was often open until nine PM.  Uncle Vinnie apparently opened early in the morning, Aunt Catherine often closed up in the evening.

One evening Aunt Catherine closed up around 9:30 and left for her home in Elizabeth N.J.  Several miles from home her car broke down.  Probably a broken belt to the generator as the car just stopped and the starter would not crank a single crank.  Aunt Catherine said this was a time when a cell phone would have come in very handy.

Stalled out after dark in an undesirable section of Elizabeth with a shoebox full of that day’s receipts (apparently a considerable sum) Aunt Catherine was more than a little nervous.

As she left the car to seek help she was approached by two young black men.  “Need some help?”  They asked.  Aunt Catherine admits that it was politically incorrect to be nervous.  A young Italian girl with a shoebox of cash being approached by two black youths in the undesirable side of town should not make a person nervous.  Aunt Catherine admits to being not nervous, but very scared. 

She explained her car problem, and the young men tried to push her car to jump start the engine.  That did not work.  They then used their car to give her an accelerated push start.  That also did not work.  Finally they asked, “Where do you live, we’ll give you a ride home.”

In the sixties race relations in this country were very tenuous at best.  Black Panthers were a growing racist group.  The KKK clan was still active.  Martin Luther King had been assassinated.  There had been riots in nearby Newark and Plainfield where shops were looted and burned to the ground.  A young Italian girl being driven home by two young black strangers was unheard of.  Aunt Catherine was now really nervous, but she related, “What was I going to do?” 

The young men gave her a ride home.  Aunt Catherine clutched the shoebox full of cash and thanked them for the ride.  She did not want to let on that she owned a bakery and was loaded with that day’s receipts, so she told them, “I have no money to offer you, but I work at the bakery in Clark.  Any time you want, just drop on by and I will fix you up with some free goods.”

“Oh that’s OK” they responded, “Just tell your men friends that if they see a young black girl on the side of the road having car problems to help her out!”

Aunt Catherine never saw these young men again.

For more stuff buy "Maybe It's Just Me!" @rosedogbooks.com or Amazon http://adf.ly/1MJqD

Follow on Twitter @JoeHagyauthor