HOUSE WARS

HOUSE WARS

Every relationship goes through battles over silly shit.  Sometimes these battles get out of hand and relationships are destroyed.  Most times a hard and fast rule is established or a compromise is reached.  The following are the most common causes of HOUSE WARS!!

Do knives go pointy side up or pointy side down in the dishwasher?

Pro – Pointy side up assures the business end is thoroughly cleaned.

Con – Pointy side up can cause the dish unloader to stab him/her self.

Answer – Pointy side up!

Should the toilet seat be left up or down?

Pro – Leave the seat up.  If left down there may be pee on the seat when beer drinkers cannot see in the middle-of-the-night.

Con – Put the seat down, otherwise wine sippers might fall in the bowl because they cannot see in the middle-of-the-night!  

Answer – Put the seat down.  Even in a bachelor pad, put the seat down.  Women feel very strongly about this one!

Should toilet paper be loaded over the top, or under the bottom?

Pro – Over the top assures no germs from the wall are on the toilet paper.

Con – Who the fuck cares!

Answer – Over the top.  Women care!

Roll socks up into a ball, or just put them away paired off?

Pro – They never get lost rolled up.

Con – Rolling up into a ball stretches them out.

Answer – Roll up the men’s, pair off the women’s.  This one calls for a compromise.

Can you put Tupperware in the dishwasher?

Pro – Of course you can

Con – The dishwasher ruins the whoosh!

Answer – Yes, if your wife is not looking; otherwise definitely not!

Should the BRBQ be covered when not in use?

Pro – The cover keeps the rain out and it looks neat.

Con – The cover keeps moisture inside the BRBQ and rusts out the insides.

Answer – Do not cover the grill.

Should dishes be hand dried or can you just let them air dry?

Pro – They will dry just fine, do not waste time hand drying.

Con – Hand drying assures there will be no spotting.

Answer – Women are allowed to let dishes air dry.  Men must always hand dry the dishes. (I don’t know why…just fucking do it!!)

Should your wife be allowed to sleep with other men?

Pro – She may want to.

Con – I don’t think so!

Answer – I still say no, but I am 0 for 2 on this one!

Should the man be allowed to hold the remote control?

Pro – Men will flip through all channels so you never see a commercial.

Con – Men will flip through all channels so you will never see all of a show.

Answer – Give him the remote.  Without the controller his whining will not allow you to see all of a show anyway.

Can you leave a bedroom window slightly open in the winter?

Pro – Leaving the window open a crack allows fresh air in and keeps you from getting migraine headaches.

Con – Leaving the window open a crack lets out warm air and causes more expensive heating bills.

Answer – Let her sleep with another man, open the fucking window and get rid of all of your headaches!

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EDITING

EDITING

To my readers; I know my spelling and punctuation is not up to par.  My editor, sister-in-law Judy, is not responsible.  She edited my book “Maybe It’s Just Me!” and my not-yet-released “I Used to Be Stupid,” but the blogs go out without benefit of her expertise. 

Judy learned grammar, spelling and punctuation from an old fashioned school marm, Miss Mundt, who also taught Judy’s Dad.  Miss Mundt must have been a great teacher because Judy got an 800 on her Verbal SATs. 

Two years ago I sent Judy some of my writing to get her opinion on content.  She said she liked what I had to say, but she could not contain her red pen and her inner Miss Mundt.  What she returned to me looked like a Jackson Pollock painting, red being the predominant color.  She has been my editor ever since.

I still do not know when to use a comma and when to use a semi-colon.  I never know when to start a new paragraph, and I just guess when it comes to using quotation marks.  My spelling is horrible and even spell-check does not always catch my goofs.  My editor takes care of all this stuff and this allows me to just concentrate on what I write.

The following is just a small sampling of my edited goofs, and Judy’s corrections often with what I suspect are Miss Mundt like comments. 

Thamks Judy, your a realy big helf!!           

Know body                             nobody

PC’s                                         don’t need the apostrophe for plurals

Parent’s                                  parents’ (2 parents thus the apostrophe    after the s)

Generations passed               past

, god                                                   God (I missed this 100 times)

Structure less                         structure^less

Slide stepped                         side stepped

Yea,                                         Yeah (I missed this about 100 times)

It was 5 foot wide                  that should be feet – plural.

Jumped of the building         off

Wait till                                  ‘til (missed this about 100 times)

Do as your told                      you’re

Shit”.                                                .” the period goes inside the quotation mark

Baloney                                  Bologna (like in the Oscar Meyer ad!)

                                                (Boloney is in the dictionary and acceptable,

but since the origin of the sandwich meat is Bologna, Italy,        I defer to Judy.)

Worrying over                      Worrying about

IS THAT SO FREEKING HARD YOU DUMB PRICK!!

                                                FREAKING and it’s a question??

Off peak                                  Off-peak

In to                                        In^to

Two pastimes                         passtimes (ha, finally, I’m right on this one.   Check the dictionary!)

Hear’s to your health          Here’s (duh)

Hooked up to the apt. antenna

                                               It was hooked up (need to do that or else YOU are hooked up!)

Declaired                              declared

Where ever                            where^ever

He smelt smoke                     smelled

The car was cheep                 Huh? Are you a bird? How about cheap??

When done being…               finished (“done” is for the Thanksgiving turkey)

Give me a brake                    break

The car’s breaks                     brakes (Sheesh)

Mid-evil plow                         medieval

Three isles away                    aisles it’s a store, not an ocean!

34 and windy                         Thirty-four…at the beginning of a sentence write it out!  (Yes Miss Mundt)

Damn its great                       it’s (means it is)

Sometimes the editor shows signs of exasperation:

Either capitalize it or don’t, but be consistent!

Periods and commas ALWAYS go inside the quotation marks!!

Yes Miss Mundt!

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GRANDCHILDREN ARE HARDER

GRANDCHILDREN ARE HARDER

I read a lot of blogs written by stay at home, and some working Moms (Mums across the ocean).  One consistent theme seems to be how difficult it is raising their children.  Mind you there is no bellyaching and most of these posts are funny as blazes.  They bring back memories hidden behind my left cerebellum where I expected to lose them.

These blogs do get me to thinking.  I have been visited this week (on my vacation) by all five of my grandchildren. Three are up from North Carolina.  There is Tommy, nine, a future lawyer, Halley, six, a future ballerina, and Graham, three,  a future politician.  Coming from Pennsylvania are Cole, two, a future violin player and Connor, one, and a future…hmmm we don’t know yet.  The Cranky Old Man, sixty-five and a future Wal-Mart greeter, is claiming that Grandchildren are harder than children.

I worry a lot more about my Grandchildren than I did about my children.  I grant you, if I misplaced one of my own children I would have been upset, but I would have only had my wife to deal with.  If you misplace a grandchild you have your wife, a DAUGHTER or SON, and a slew of in-laws to whom you owe some explaining.  I am pretty sure all these people would be really pissed off!  I would rather eat glass.  The pressure is much greater than when I had to watch my own. I watch these five as if they were paper money in a room full of Gypsies (that just cost me a follower, sorry Lola from Transylvania.)  

Children are easy to discipline.  It is your duty to spoil grandchildren; how can you discipline them?  Furthermore it is impossible to watch your daughter or son discipline the grandchildren.  They live hours away; I don’t get to see them that often.  When they are on time-out, I am on time-out.  I hate being on time-out.  (In my day time-out was time hiding out from the old man and his belt!  I loved my old man; his belt…not so much.)

My son and daughter have strange rules that I have to follow.  No soda, only give them organic food, no spanking, no duct taping their mouths shut, no whiskey to sooth teething.  They have to sleep on their back their first year, they must ride in car seats, and they wear helmets for riding anything on wheels.  These kids all have to wear shoes outside, they can’t play in the street and you can’t watch them if you are not sober.  So many rules, how can you remember them all?

Parents are immune to their children’s cuteness.  As a grandfather I am affected by giant grins, big hugs, tickling, teasing, jumping and skipping.   Crocodile tears kill me.  I know what these kids are doing, but I can’t help myself; I have to wave the white flag whenever I see these tears. 

Tommy is way too smart, Halley is a clone of her Mother, and Graham is a two year old little man.  Graham speaks a secret language which only Tommy and Halley can interpret.  Cole is a little sneak, but he is sooo cute, and Connor just started to walk.  These five are a delight, but they are way more difficult to watch and care for as a grandparent. 

It is hard enough worrying about my grandchildren, but I also have to worry about my son and daughter.  After all, they are not even forty.  What the Hell do they know about raising children?

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