Package Rage

 

Package Rage

 Did they ever catch the son of a bitch that poisoned Tylenol bottles a zillion years ago?  That prick belongs just below Hitler, Pol Pot, Jack the Ripper, and Barney the annoying Sesame Street Dinosaur in the list of world villains!

Maybe he didn’t murder millions of people, he did not force a neighborhood to live in fear, and he did not make billions of parents want to blow their “I love You” brains out, but he did create “Package Rage.”

Before this asshat made us distrust the safety of all packages, the only problem the world had with packages was removing the cotton from an aspirin bottle.  After this despicable turd tried to kill people so he could sue J and J or whatever his reason was, nothing package opening related is safe.

The other day I needed something for a headache.  I had a choice of Aspirin or Tylenol.  I chose aspirin, I still don’t trust Tylenol.

All pill bottles are now covered with a plastic that can only be removed with the business end of a steak knife.  Fingernails will not work, they break before the plastic.  A fork will not do, it does not get under the plastic at the correct angle.  Teeth?  Forget about it, rock break scissors, plastic pill bottle protectors crack teeth.

Once getting by the plastic barrier, one has to figure out the child protector code.  Oh sure, it is written on the bottle.  It is written in print that only a child can see.  Most of the child proof bottles require manual dexterity and un-arthritic fingers to follow the unreadable directions.  In short, only a child can figure out how to open a childproof bottle.

Once I get my neighborhood six year old to open the bottle for me, I now have to tackle that friggin cotton ball blocking the pills I need.  

“Kare!  Do we have a tweezer so I can get this damn cotton out of the bottle?”

“Just bought a new one, it is in the medicine drawer.”

Great, the tweezers are wrapped in that damn plastic even thicker than the bottle plastic.  Of course I cut myself with the steak knife trying to open the tweezer protecting plastic. 

I need a Band-Aid. 

Ever try and open a Band-Aid box with a bleeding thumb? 

Then the Band-Aids themselves are covered in a wax paper that requires teeth, I’m not trusting the steak knife again.

Finally, with a bandaged bleeding thumb and a chipped tooth I am able to get at the aspirin I wanted for my headache. 

Wait!  Aspirin is not good if you are bleeding, maybe I should use Tylenol instead.

Screw it, I still don’t trust that stuff, I’ll just suffer the headache.

If they caught that Tylenol bastard, I hope they locked him up and threw away the key…Or even better, gave him the key wrapped tight in sealed plastic!